Can't move on

[Ivan]

Hi, I'm looking for something to help me move on with what life i have. I lost my wife of 10 years to depression. No matter what i do, i feel that I never done enough to help her. I feel like I let the one person that was the best part of me down and it's tearing me apart. I keep thinking of my kids and it helps but alot of the time it's to much. The feeling comes out of nowhere and I can't hold it back, no matter where I am i break down. I'm running out of options and I can't keep this up. I'm not suicidal, but i can't see my body taking alot more of this before my heart literally breaks. I need help. 

[KMkm]

It's tough to deal with and I'm sorry you have to go through this.  My advice is just think minutes or hours ahead.  My chest and brain feel like they are about to give up.  That's all I feel like doing.  Don't regret anything cause if you do it will destroy your ability to keep going.  You did whatever you could and just believe in yourself.  Finding what works for you will take some trial and error.  It has been three months and I feel things changing with regards to getting through the day.  I'm not going to lie and say it's easy but we owe it to our loved ones to try and find our way through the grief and learn to smile and enjoy what we have.  I have broke down in the grocery store, waiting in line to pick up my kids from school, the bank.  I don't even care about where I am anymore.  You will get through this, trust me. Grief and loss go hand in hand with loving someone deeply and then saying goodbye.  I believe I'm here for a reason and I'll never know what it is but please just keep moving forward.  Don't let grief take you down, we are strong and can let grief run its course and we will come out the other side stronger.  Hopefully youn find someone's words inspiring and helpful.

[Loriii]

I'm sorry, Ivan that you are going through this. It doesn't help that you didn't think or expect her to leave that way. First thing that you're going to think about is you haven't done enough but really, you did more than enough to help her just by letting her feel that she is genuinely loved. I may not understand exactly how you're feeling right now, but know that I understand that feeling when you lose someone, when you lose the best part of you, as I've been feeling exactly the same. It is hard. It is even hard to describe that feeling when you like you're running out options, running out of purpose to live. Just think of something or someone that will motivate you to move forward, gradually, one step at a time, and that is your kids. I'm sure at this point, they need you more than anything, more than anyone. Please continue to live for them. I know you're gonna say "I need my wife. It's only her that matters now. I cannot do this without her. It's hard to live life, to live everyday without seeing her face, hearing her voice and feeling her touch". The good, happy and unforgettable memories will kill you whenever you remember them. Every thing and every where you look, you will think about her. You're going to carry that sadness, that feeling of being incomplete as if a part of you has died. Like I said, please just take it one day at a time. Feel free to post here if you feel like you want to say something. Try to have an outlet when you need to let it all the feelings out. Try to reach out and talk to people, if you can everyday. Don't try to suppress that feeling. Take care of yourself and most importantly, your kids. We're here for you.

[widower2]

4 hours ago, Ivan said:

Hi, I'm looking for something to help me move on with what life i have. I lost my wife of 10 years to depression. No matter what i do, i feel that I never done enough to help her. I feel like I let the one person that was the best part of me down and it's tearing me apart. I keep thinking of my kids and it helps but alot of the time it's to much. The feeling comes out of nowhere and I can't hold it back, no matter where I am i break down. I'm running out of options and I can't keep this up. I'm not suicidal, but i can't see my body taking alot more of this before my heart literally breaks. I need help. 

Ivan I'm so sorry. Guilt and grief are old friends; no matter what we did, we feel like it wasn't enough...but with a loss like yours I suspect even more so. But here's the thing: we're only human. We can always say we didn't do enough, because it's impossible to have done EVERYTHING we could have. I repeat: impossible. So I know it's easier said than done, but please try not to beat yourself up because you're human, and give yourself credit for what you DID do. Again, you're a human being; you're not perfect and not a miracle worker. That's not a crime. That you couldn't just wave your hand and make everything OK is not something you deserve to beat yourself up about. 

As for help, beyond whatever help we can try to offer, please consider a grief counselor. I did it because I had no one I could really talk to about this and it helped to unload a lot of what I was feeling. Sometimes your local or state government might have services they offer, and local charities sometimes do too...church groups, whatever. I think it's worth a try...what do you have to lose? 

But again feel free to unload here in whatever way it helps. This is a great group of people here. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, that's very hard, I am glad you found your way here though, it helps and we get it.  I hope you will continue to come here to read and post.  

Depression vs symptomatic depression in grief

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[GoldenRose]

18 hours ago, Ivan said:

No matter what i do, i feel that I never done enough to help her. I feel like I let the one person that was the best part of me down and it's tearing me apart.

Hi @Ivan, my husband also lost his battle with depression one month ago. I understand. I feel that as his wife, I should have been able to prevent it, I should have been able to save him and I should have been able to make him want to stay. The reality is, the only person responsible for their own actions and decisions was them. We cannot control everything, we can only control ourselves. Therapy has helped me understand that, and even though the guilt continues to wear me down, I think I am slowly learning to view the situation with logic, not emotion. What happened does not mean you were a bad husband, nor that you did not love her enough. It does not speak to you, your relationship with her, or your kids. Depression is just a very complicated mental illness that does not let good things in, or bad things out. I used to always say my husband was "the best part of me." But now, as difficult as it is, we have to figure out what we have to offer the world, and how we can be whole individually again. 

 

18 hours ago, Ivan said:

I'm not suicidal, but i can't see my body taking alot more of this before my heart literally breaks. I need help. 

I too feel this, not suicidal, but on the edge of death every minute. It feels as though the pain is crushing me. Yet minute after minute, hour after hour, I am still here, and my heart is still beating. You can do this, you are not alone, and it is not your fault. No matter what, you did not do this. You are strong and we are here for you!

[Ivan]

Thanks for being here and what you said i understand. But the grief is unbearable at times. I can't hold it in, and I cry until I'm about to almost pass out. It's been over 4 months and the pain hasn't gotten any easier to deal with. The only good thing is i can keep my mind concentrated on work in the daytime. But even then if i have a moment for myself, my mind goes right back to her and it starts all over again. I really am trying. Then there's my kids that are living with their aunt and I think, How are they really dealing with this if i can't even keep it together. They are seeing a therapist to help deal with it, but I'm always away working and only get to talk on the phone. I'm just so lost.

[KMkm]

I don't know about what would help you but I booked a sitting with a medium.  Two of my late wifes friends are spiritual and told me that she came to them and asked them to tell me to stop internalizing my grief.  To remember that life is about love, laughter and experiencing all emotions.  I know how grief can strip away all meaning and the desire to want anything.  In three months I have lost 30lbs and went from not wanting to be here every waking moment to eating small amounts and feeling like I want to try.  I never thought I would feel any relief from this but I only think about only a few hours ahead and when I feel like crying then I let it out.  I am scared about the future and also raising my two young kids.  I was told something from a friend recently and maybe it will help or not.  He said we are here for a short time and when we are gone we won't be back for a really really long time so experience the grief but also try to enjoy small amounts of time each day so when we pass we won't look back and regret not trying to enjoy more.  I know that my grief is hard to deal with and it's not the same as what you are feeling but please just try to think that grief sucks but we have the ability to overcome it and this new life will take us on a path.  I hope what I wrote and others write help you in some way.  Don't think that you won't be happy again.  I hope for the best..

[RN-Nix]

@Ivan hey there, when the love of my life passed away 2 and a half months ago I physically felt as if I was going to die and not by my own hands. I was so overcome with the horrible sting of grief that I was loosing my mind. I would go to work and cry my eye out if someone spoke to me. He and I had a patten. We would speak in the mornings before I went to work and text in between lunch then speak at lunch . So now that he is gone when I got to the area my job was in I would go to the park and cry my eyes out before work. I would go to work and cry in the bathroom at lunch I was soooo LOST I could not wait until lunch to go outside and find a place to cry my eyes out ...it was NON STOP. This heartache is unbearable. What worked for me was having 2 friends who act I allctually lived out of state and I could call them anytime and they listened while I cried my eyes out ....I did this for a while and I felt myself getting stronger. I also started to see signs of him that he was with me ESP when I was breaking down. This is the one forum where I can say I empathize and sympathize with you . It's hard.  Take things 1 hour at a time I would would use my hour to just cry. Are you able to speak with someone? Your kids need you and that's what I heard a lot . Even if you have to take breaks to go in the bathroom and cry. They need your presence. Please hang in there and come back and vent to us as you like . We are all going through and understand. 

[Tami M]

I am so sorry you are here going through this.  I think working through grief is work.  It is a job all it's own.  Occasionally my mind tries to go to that guilt place back on the day before my husband died.  I could have done xyz...  I force myself out of those feelings.  I work to change my thought process.  Intellectually I know I couldn't have changed the outcome.  There is nothing in that guilt that is helpful.  I force myself to focus on something that takes brainpower to do.  Stop my mind from wandering.  I accept the grief and sadness but not the guilt about how it happened. 

I don't know how to help.  I just know I want to keep as positive as I can be.  Keep going forward. 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Ivan said:

It's been over 4 months and the pain hasn't gotten any easier to deal with.

No, it takes much longer for most of us, it took me about 3+ years just to process my grief...we don't get over it, we only learn to adjust to the changes it means for our lives as we hone our coping skills, it takes much time.  Reminds me of a Bible verse "Faint not, for in due time..."  Wasn't written for this but the same principle applies.    I just wish I knew what to do in the meanwhile, taking one day (hour/minute) at a time helped me a lot.  I had to go back to work after two weeks, coming in day 5 to do payroll!  I broke down at work many times but everyone was understanding, and I think it was a godsend in a way because I had everyone's supportiveness there and it was also distracting...WHEN I could focus on my work!  It was a very hard time, but losing my job in a few months was way worse (start of recession, nothing to do with me/loss).

3 hours ago, RN-Nix said:

I physically felt as if I was going to die

There's good reason for this, very common in early grief...

Physical Grief Symptoms Whats your Grief
Physical Reactions to Loss

[KayC]

35 minutes ago, Tami M said:

I think working through grief is work.  It is a job all it's own.

This is so true!  One reason I post "Grief Process" link for newcomers...it DOES take work/effort on our part to get through this!  I remember resenting that as I didn't ASK or WANT any of this!  Such is life (death), it doesn't ask us what we want.  But we benefit ourselves to read articles/books, come here, see a grief counselor, journal, let our tears flow, do things to honor them, talk it out with someone supportive, even taking walks helps our stress and gives our minds a chance to clear a bit, releases feel better hormones.

[Canadagirl81]

Hi Ivan....

This Ted Talk on Grief really really helped me.

https://youtu.be/khkJkR-ipfw

We don't ever move on, we move on WITH them. All of your feelings are completely valid. You are not alone. 

[widower2]

 

 

On 3/7/2022 at 5:53 PM, Ivan said:

Thanks for being here and what you said i understand. But the grief is unbearable at times. I can't hold it in, and I cry until I'm about to almost pass out. It's been over 4 months and the pain hasn't gotten any easier to deal with. The only good thing is i can keep my mind concentrated on work in the daytime. But even then if i have a moment for myself, my mind goes right back to her and it starts all over again. I really am trying. Then there's my kids that are living with their aunt and I think, How are they really dealing with this if i can't even keep it together. They are seeing a therapist to help deal with it, but I'm always away working and only get to talk on the phone. I'm just so lost.

The damned thing about this is the time it takes to wrestle with it to a point that's manageable...but keep in mind it varies and can vary quite a LOT...some people take much longer, some can regroup quicker...there is no "normal" and I think really no way to know, so don't compare yourself to others and how long it took them because it's pointless. And it has nothing to do with how much you loved them or how great they are or you are etc etc either...at one point I stupidly thought I was "supposed to" struggle a long time because it proved how much I loved her. This makes no sense at all. And this is a dumb cliche maybe but true: a day at a time. Try not to get wrapped up in "when will this be better" and just survive each day best you can. There will be days that are better and those that are worse...and it's not an even or predictable path.