Shocked

[MissMolly]

This is my first post here, so please bear with me....

My father passed in the afternoon on March 6 of 2021.  Yeah, it's hours away from the anniversary of his death. My father got covid, wound up on a ventilator for 2m.  We were up and down with his health during that time, but in the final 24hrs he was failing.  I was the one that had to convince my mother, my siblings to let him go that last day, turn off the machines.  This is really hard and I haven't really dealt with it yet.  The only good thing I take away from it all was that we were all there to walk him out of this life...that's an amazing thing and I'm grateful for that. 

My siblings had me handle most of the viewing/funeral arrangements because they shut down.  

My husband and I have three kids.  Two are twins that were born 4m premature and one of the twins has cerebral palsy and is on a feeding tube (they're five now).  I had to give up my career because it's impossible to hold a job with the amount of care required.  My husband encouraged me giving up my career, but he's also angry he has to pay for everything.  He's also terrible about communication, bad with money, and just a bad, insensitive partner.  We separated informally about 3.5 years ago because I couldn't take his behavior any longer.  But I try really hard to co-parent. So our marriage didn't work, I don't see any reason we can't be friends and support each other.  But maybe I'm wrong.

My husband lost his dad about 23 years ago and has never gotten over it.  I am very sensitive to that, have always been.  I've talked to him about dealing with it, encouraged him to get help, tried to get him to see a therapist to deal with it.  But he's just been a jerk regarding the loss of my father.  My father helped us so much, was always kind to my husband.  But when my father passed, my husband acted like it was nothing.  He has barely recognized the loss.  

When my father passed and we had to go up for the viewing/funeral (6hrs north of where we live) I got an Airbnb for us to stay in for less than the cost of a hotel (and we saved money being able to bring one of our dogs).  I tried to make it fun for my kids so they would have a break from the sadness.

My brother and I had to work hard for an open casket for the viewing (Covid requires closed casket).  I remember walking into the parlor and seeing my dad for the first time since the hospital where he passed and I took a moment, took a deep breath.  i felt sick to my stomach.  Then my husband said 'It looks nothing like him'.  I was so numb, but also so angry at him.  Who would say such a thing to a daughter seeing their father in a casket? I said nothing at the time except to tell him to shut up.  We spent hours greeting people- it was amazing even during Covid how many people showed up for the viewing.  

That night back at the Airbnb, I told my husband how awful he was saying what he did.  He lamely apologized.  I stayed up until maybe 10pm, drank a couple glasses of wine, crying, upset, because the funeral was the next day and that was so final, so upsetting.  I asked my husband to stay up with me, but he said he was tired, he seemed annoyed, and left me alone.  I was so hurt.  If I had been there when his father passed, I'd stay with him as long as he needed me.

The next morning he was pretty much useless.  I was trying to get my kids ready and he didn't help much.

I had to do a reading at the funeral and I was really worried I messed up.  My husband said to me, no joke, 'Well, you did okay at first, but then you messed up at the end, but maybe no one noticed'.  I mean, wow- how crappy is he?  Who criticizes someone like that at their father's funeral?  Why couldn't he just be kind? 

We had the service and then had to drive to the cemetery.  In the parking lot, I was trying to get him to get our vehicle out of the way of the limo (my mother was in) and the hearse and he started getting angry with me.  

We got to the cemetery and he was already irritated and got more irritated over getting our daughter out and into her wheelchair.  Because he rarely sees the kids, he doesn't know how to get our daughter into her chair without fuss and without making her cry.  It was just so absurd he's doing this at my father's gravesite.  

When we eventually went back to the house we rented, he was just angry and tired and was short-tempered.  He didn't care that I needed support, he just went to bed.

So, here we are a year later.  I find out he's taken money from our savings, didn't communicate this or money issues, etc.  Yesterday, he started complaining about how much we spent on the trip for my father's funeral.  He says 'It was OVER 2k'.  He keeps saying this over and over, along with 'Do you KNOW how much we spent on that trip for your dad?'

WTF.  

His mother was just in the hospital for almost 2m.  She's been in a rehab facility for another month.  She finally got home.  She is 90, has Parkinsons, she is not doing well.  The time will likely come soon she will pass and I will certainly help my husband deal with it.  I will absolutely contribute however is necessary.  I will not berate him if we need to contribute money.  I will be kind and understanding that this is hard for him.  

But I just can't understand why he's been such a jerk about me losing my father.

I'm really having a hard time right now.  I have no friends, no relatives to turn to...I'm pretty much alone.  

[reader]

Dear Miss Molly,

I am so sorry for your loss. Please know you are not alone and there is support and help. I hope you'll consider reaching out to resources in the community or through church. These websites supported me when I left abandoned by my family and friends.

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

Grief Share

Grief Recovery Method