Can't cope

[Lost now]

I am struggling so much. I don't want to live without my mom. But i can't end my life. It will break my dad again. I am going to grief counseling and also on anti depressants but i am still struggling majority of the day. Nights are the only escape. I wake up every day between 2-4 am but I'm at peace at that time. It feels like nothing is wrong. But when i am up in the mornings, afternoon and evening i am struggling. I am unable to distract myself. The same thought of why did this happen keeps coming to me. She was only 58. This is so wrong. Who do i blame? Who do i get revenge from? I am struggling so much. I just need my mom. I need my mom. I don't know how long i can keep living like this. This pain is unbearable. 

 

[reader]

Dear Lost now,

I'm so sorry. I know it's deeply painful without your mom. I feel the same too. How unfair it is and why did this happen to me? Why can't my dad still be here? It is hard to cope and we all feel so lost during this very sad time.

It sounds like you are doing everything you can to get through each day. Please try to keep taking it moment by moment. And know that we are here to listen and support you in anyway we can. 

Keep writing and talking and know that we are here with you. x 

[Lost now]

1 hour ago, reader said:

Dear Lost now,

I'm so sorry. I know it's deeply painful without your mom. I feel the same too. How unfair it is and why did this happen to me? Why can't my dad still be here? It is hard to cope and we all feel so lost during this very sad time.

It sounds like you are doing everything you can to get through each day. Please try to keep taking it moment by moment. And know that we are here to listen and support you in anyway we can. 

Keep writing and talking and know that we are here with you. x 

Thanks @reader. Yes, I feel better after talking about it. This is so difficult for me. I don't know how long I can keep going. I have no motivation to live this life. But have to for my dad.  

[reader]

The first two years of grief are raw. I know there were days I felt there was no light. I felt as you and I had to carry on for my mom and my nephew. I know it doesn't feel like it now but little by little it will get better. The grief will be less intense. 5 years later there still days I cry over my dad. Cry for what he has missed. Wishing so much he could be here and thinking about what I could have done differently. 

Please know you are not alone. Keep talking it out with us and know you're doing everything you can. x 

[Lost now]

2 hours ago, reader said:

The first two years of grief are raw. I know there were days I felt there was no light. I felt as you and I had to carry on for my mom and my nephew. I know it doesn't feel like it now but little by little it will get better. The grief will be less intense. 5 years later there still days I cry over my dad. Cry for what he has missed. Wishing so much he could be here and thinking about what I could have done differently. 

Please know you are not alone. Keep talking it out with us and know you're doing everything you can. x 

Thanks reader. Somehow my brain is telling me that it if gets better with time then I am ok with this loss. I have accepted it. But I will never accept it and so I should never be ok. My brain keeps playing games with me. There is a constant battle going on and im mentally exhausted.

[reader]

I think that’s how our brain behaves during grief. It takes us in many directions that we do not want to go. I feel like there will always be a little hole in my heart for my dad. I understand that he’s never coming back but it doesn’t mean that it won’t hurt for the rest of my life. And coming to terms with those feelings is very difficult. 

I tend to be obsessive and ruminate a lot. And you’re so right it does make a person mentally exhausted.

Keep taking care of yourself the best you can. I know it’s not easy. x

[Broken Blackbird]

Hello Lost now and reader,

  I am new to this platform however I have been struggling with the death of my father for the last six years. I am feeling as lost as you Lost now. Every day I struggle to stay motivated with my life and daily tasks. I don't want to live this way but must stay strong for my mother. There are times where I think "if only mom were gone, then I could go too." I would never do anything, but I'm tired of this emptiness. 

[Lucy_]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my mum 11 months ago very unexpectedly and suddenly, she was 49. I know exactly how you feel, everyday is a constant struggle and it is mentally exhausting. But we have to remember that we have to keep going, for our family and for the loved ones we have lost. I get so upset and angry that my mum is missing out on all these special moments, it's almost unfair because you see parents who don't want to be apart of their kids lives but I know my mum would do anything to be here right now. But we have no choice but to keep going, it's what they would have wanted. It is going to get better, eventually.