Members GoldenRose Posted March 1, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 1, 2022 Hello everyone! Hope everyone is having as good a day as they can. Im wondering if anyone has any experience in dating after losing a spouse or partner. What are pros and cons you noticed? Has anyone on this site remarried or even considered it? I will be honest- I am nowhere near ready for this. I lost my amazing husband one month ago. But I simply cannot accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life, that is such a painful fact for me. I had so many wonderful plans with my husband, he was the person I wanted to do everything with. Now that’s he’s gone however, I find that while I don’t have any motivation for those plans at the moment, I’d like to think someday I still will. And dinner in a nice restaurant is much more enjoyable with a partner. I’d rather fly across the world with someone to take selfies with. Laughing hysterically at something very dumb is better with someone you love also laughing. Does anyone have similar thoughts? I am 25 years old, so know maybe I’m just young and naive, but even though I would give anything to have my husband back, I know it doesn’t work that way. So is it bad to hope one day I have another husband? Thanks in advance everyone! 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members PLin Posted March 2, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2022 I would think at 25 years-old it is very realistic to think you would want another relationship. You will need time to grieve what you have lost but you'll know when the time is right. I am in my sixties and lost my husband a month ago. I am not thinking of another relationship and doubt I would actively look for another. You are a much younger woman, you have your whole life ahead of you. You may even want to have a family one day. Who knows what your future holds. Your husband would want you to live your best life whatever form that takes. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KG21 Posted March 2, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2022 I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words to take away that pain. I just recently lost my love as well. Although not married yet, we were planning on it soon. I am 34 and he had just turned 40, so marriage and kids were in our near future. We had only been together five months, but he was my person. He had actually just asked my parents, and my two sisters, two days before his passing if he could ask me to marry him. We were heading on vacation the following weekend, and he had planned to propose. We weren’t together long, but we instantly connected and fell in love. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I lost not only him but the future we had planned as well. Being 34, I know I want kids, but it feels like I have a timeline to grieve and be able to achieve the dream of having a family as well. I feel so sad and not sure how to move on. I don’t think move on is the right words. I can’t fathom finding anyone who makes me so happy and brings out the best in me like he could. It feels lonely. I think I’m rambling at this point, but I want you to know I understand you. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jen H Posted March 2, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2022 GoldenRose, you still have so much life to live that the probability of you finding love again is high. Many people don't even find their first true love at your age. But please don't rush it for the wrong reasons. I've met people who found love again at all different ages from either having a divorce or loss. Don't think that finding love again replaces that other person or that you have to forget them. That people will be in your heart and a part of you forever. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted March 2, 2022 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted March 2, 2022 17 hours ago, GoldenRose said: What are pros and cons you noticed? PLEASE, I beg of you, give yourself time to grieve, to process it, maybe three years at least, to even consider it...for this reason, when they die, we're in shock, we're in grief fog for the longest time, our brains are likened to brain trauma, having to relearn the simplest thing! We are lonely, scared, anxious, afraid of the future, how we're going to do the whole "rest of our lives!" We are vulnerable! Some sniff this out and can take advantage, at the very least we don't yet have clarity to make such impacting decisions. It's important to learn who YOU are, your identity as you alone, to be comfortable living alone before you bring all of the above into a relationship! If and when you do begin to date, take it very slow, get to know different people as friends first, it takes much time to get to know someone on all levels before we're in a position to make any lasting decision. Please, this wisdom came to me from a great cost: After George died ALL of our friends disappeared...overnight. Every single one of them. They were in their 40s, most of them, I guess grief is uncomfortable to people, they view it as contagious, it makes them see their own mortality, how if this could happen to me, it could happen to them! So they avoided me. Another trauma/shock. I would not have expected that of them. A few days after George's funeral, I got a call from someone purporting to be his friend. He was easy to talk to, going through the breakup of a long term relationship (never married her but they had grown kids together), we could relate about so many things even though we were markedly different...him from Portland, me in the country. I say purporting because I rather doubt he was any friend of George's, but that's another story. He was a con, and a good one. I call him Con John (that was his name). He married me under false pretenses, never lived with me, lived a double life, used my credit for $57,000 and then quit his job and went into hiding with his GF...I filed a missing person's report and they found him living with his GF in our newly acquired motorhome, I never got to use it but I got stuck paying for it, his car, you name it. I'm still paying on it. If the market doesn't quit dropping my IRA I'll be paying on this until I'm nearly 80, I was hoping to pay it off at 75...that's another 5 1/2 years. It was too late to file for annulment so I had the humiliation of a divorce from a man who never was a husband to me. Yes, these things happen. You don't have to go online to get scammed. I feel really stupid but I know Dr. Phil would tell me that I'm not, that I think like a normal person, someone who trusts, believes, is nice (not as naive now though!) and we don't think like cons, so we fail to recognize them as such...to be quite honest, it's hard to know because he was very very convincing. I think had he put as much effort into earning $57,000 in two years from a job, it would have been easier, but I think they must get some kind of thrill out of pulling something off! His first GF was a member of the EK, she sicked them on me (white supremacy group), for the first time in my life I bought a gun...a magazine but it was hard for my hands to load so I got a revolver, easier. He stole the first one, guess he didn't want the revolver, it was a Pink Lady, magenta, no self-respecting guy would want one of those! This was very hard to go through, hard on my young adult kids too. You think it can't happen to you? It happens to normal everyday people, far too often. ESPECIALLY grievers! I hate sharing this story, it's totally embarrassing, but I will share if it saves one person going through what I did. 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 2, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted March 2, 2022 15 hours ago, KG21 said: it feels like I have a timeline to grieve and be able to achieve the dream of having a family as well. Yes. My daughter has been married since 2009, a few years ago she was so happy to announce her pregnancy at Christmas...the next month it was gone, for the second time. Her husband left her. They filed for divorce over two years ago and the courts have yet to process it, seems no one does anything anymore because of Covid. So she's stuck in limbo, always wanted to be a mom, she says she'll take a child however it comes, whether she ever meets anyone and realizes her dream, or gets stepchildren. I want that for her so much. You are definitely still young enough to have kids and I like that you're giving yourself the time to grieve beforehand. My daughter is 39 so not likely to realize her dreams, but who knows. 11 hours ago, Jen H said: GoldenRose, you still have so much life to live that the probability of you finding love again is high. Many people don't even find their first true love at your age. But please don't rush it for the wrong reasons. I've met people who found love again at all different ages from either having a divorce or loss. Don't think that finding love again replaces that other person or that you have to forget them. That people will be in your heart and a part of you forever. Great advice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jen H Posted March 2, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2022 I also wanted to add that when you do get into a relationship, if that person can't accept that your past love will always be in your heart then they're not worth having a relationship with. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tami M Posted March 2, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 2, 2022 I too have been thinking about my future. I don't see myself as single as a Pringle (as my daughter and her friends would say) for the rest of my life. I knew when I got divorced before I met I am really missing the companionship lately. I just need to find friendship right now. That can come in a gal pal or a guy (gal pay is saver :P) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post William M Posted March 2, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted March 2, 2022 At 25 I would think it would be unthinkable that you would not find love again. For me it might be different, I'm 56 and have done the family/ children thing. I could possible see dating or even some kind of of relationship sometime from now. I just can NOT see remarriage for me. I spent over 36 year with my darling and feel I need to be buried with her one day. Already ordered a "companion" headstone for us both... She will have to be my one and only wife. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members GoldenRose Posted March 3, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted March 3, 2022 Thanks everyone for all your answers, I know I need time. My husband was very amazing and I find it difficult to think I’ll ever meet someone who I can view as great as him. I just don’t think I could bear to be alone forever, the loneliness has never felt so heavy. I also feel I am less likely to find someone now that I’m a widow. I feel it comes with “baggage” and some men might not want to deal with it. Anyone have thoughts on that? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SSC Posted March 3, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 3, 2022 The only problem I feel other men might have with you being a widow is how high up on a pedestal you put your husband and if they feel threatened by him. When you do start dating again I’m sure you will look at the relationship a little differently. You will want to know the character of this man, whether he has the depth of love and compassion to try and understand what you have gone through and be patient. The right man for you will do this and please don’t accept anything less. You are so young! Your whole life is ahead of you! Take the time to properly grieve for your husband but know that you will be okay. It will take some time but eventually you will find happiness again, I promise. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 3, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted March 3, 2022 17 hours ago, Jen H said: I also wanted to add that when you do get into a relationship, if that person can't accept that your past love will always be in your heart then they're not worth having a relationship with. Amen to that! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 3, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted March 3, 2022 13 hours ago, William M said: I spent over 36 year with my darling and feel I need to be buried with her one day. Already ordered a "companion" headstone for us both... There are women who feel the same and want buried with their first husband...it doesn't have to mean marriage/companionship is off the table for you both, when we get older, these things need talked about and arrangements need to be made to suit the two of you, not always the traditional way we once thought of. Be innovative and open if/when the time comes. For instance, it might be easier to keep finances separate and mutual bills agreed upon, makes it easier to leave things to children, etc. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 3, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted March 3, 2022 7 hours ago, SSC said: The only problem I feel other men might have with you being a widow is how high up on a pedestal you put your husband and if they feel threatened by him I don't think I have my husband up on a pedestal...I see him for who he is, admire his wonderful qualities, forgive the mistakes, we understood each other! But we did have an amazing relationship and I agree, that'd be a tough act to follow. I cannot expect anyone to be like him. If any of us ever goes into a new relationship, it'll be important to not expect the same from them as they will bring new things to the table...a new adventure. Give good long thought to deal-breakers, what's important to you, what you can be flexible on. For instance, to me, values, beliefs, mutual respect, must love dogs! Great sense of humor. Emotional connection/supportiveness. THOSE would be the qualities I'd look for! For someone else your list might be totally different. But don't compromise on the important things and "settle" for lesser than. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members GoldenRose Posted March 7, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted March 7, 2022 Does anyone have any thoughts on falling out of love with your deceased partner? Not only did I love my husband very much, but I was also completely in love with him when he died. I feel I am still there, and that’s fine for as long as I feel it, but will I at some point be able to move into a “not currently in love” state with him? I’ll have love for him always, but the pain of being actively in love with someone who is completely gone adds a layer to the never ending pain of grief! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members PLin Posted March 7, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 7, 2022 Since our spouses died at the same time I'm probably not one to answer this question Golden, but I would think as time goes on the loving feelings will be different. You will always love your husband but there will be room to move forward with your life. Don't forget, you husband would want this for you too. I am sure there is room in your heart for the old love and the new love when you find it. I would give yourself time. The future (your future) will unfold. Try not to feel the need to question what this future may look like while your grief is so fresh. It will fall into place in time. Loving and honoring yourself through this grieving process is what is required right now. I understand that the pain is so raw it feels like filling the void would help. We all feel that missing piece. First, we have to fill ourselves up. I think, otherwise, we risk making a less than healthy choice about what will fill our heart and soul. Hugs to you. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members GoldenRose Posted March 7, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted March 7, 2022 1 hour ago, PLin said: I would give yourself time. The future (your future) will unfold. Try not to feel the need to question what this future may look like while your grief is so fresh. It will fall into place in time. One day at a time right? I read that everywhere and say it so often, but when it comes to applying it, I struggle. Thank you so much @PLin. I appreciate the kind and wise words. So hard to carry on without my husband, I feel as though I am quite lost in every aspect of life. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jen H Posted March 7, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 7, 2022 I don't think I will ever fall out of love with him. I accept he is never coming back and I have to live without him but he will forever have a part of my heart no matter what happens in my future. I fear I will never find another mate or any person period who can fulfill my life like he did. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tami M Posted March 8, 2022 Members Report Share Posted March 8, 2022 I don't know if you lose your in love or not. A Halloween movie my daughter loves say love in infinite. You can always make more. Same as when you add another child to your family. It doesn't diminish the love you have for your other children it adds to you heart. Hugs 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members GoldenRose Posted March 8, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted March 8, 2022 15 hours ago, Tami M said: love in infinite. You can always make more. Beautiful thought, thank you for sharing! @Tami M 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 8, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted March 8, 2022 23 hours ago, GoldenRose said: Does anyone have any thoughts on falling out of love with your deceased partner? It doesn't happen, not even if you remarry...your heart can expand to embrace another but never do you stop loving/missing the one you've lost. It's different for those who weren't happy with their partner. 21 hours ago, PLin said: but I would think as time goes on the loving feelings will be different. Continuing Bonds - WYG Continuing Relationships 19 hours ago, GoldenRose said: One day at a time right? I read that everywhere and say it so often, but when it comes to applying it, I struggle. I've found it takes reminding myself to get back into today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 8, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted March 8, 2022 17 hours ago, Jen H said: I don't think I will ever fall out of love with him. I accept he is never coming back and I have to live without him but he will forever have a part of my heart no matter what happens in my future. I fear I will never find another mate or any person period who can fulfill my life like he did. I feel exactly the same. I'm not looking, so it'd take a miracle. 15 hours ago, Tami M said: Same as when you add another child to your family. It doesn't diminish the love you have for your other children it adds to you heart. Exactly! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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