Extreme Sleep Disruptions

[ADM925]

I lost my beloved Mother on 7/17/21.  She was all I had, my entire life, world, and sole refuge, and the anguish gets worse every day.  I am not a young man, and caring for Mom was my life for the last 21 years.  We didn't like being apart and weren't allowed to see each other for 3 months.  

I dread going to sleep because it leads to nightmares and to facing another day alone.  Lately I've been getting a sudden shock or wave of despair which will occur right after I can no longer keep my eyes open and jolt me fully awake.  It's sort of a horrible flashback to the moment Mom left me, and it can happen over and over, as many as 15 - 20 times in a row.  It will also wake me suddenly from dreams in which my family is back together and everything is alright again.  Either way, the onset of terror, dread, heartbreak, and hopelessness which follows is so bad it feels like it could be fatal,  I wonder if anyone else is familiar with something like this.

Is is very very oppressive and part of what feels like an endless, inescapable living Hell, which is why I reluctantly share it.  I don't expect it to end anytime soon, if ever.     

[Waves13]

Hi, I am sorry for your loss. Losing a parent at any age is tough. I understand the feeling. I lost my parents 10 years ago. Within a span of 1 and half years I lost my dad, only sibling my brother and mother. I was petrified as every 6 months I lost a family member. And I had lost my birth family. I was around 44. And at the age of 26, I had lost my husband in an air crash. Coping with so many losses and not allowing myself to grieve has taken a toll on my physical and mental health. 

Yes, sleep is what was affected in a big way. And I still do wake up every few hours. I am actually going through a grieving period now with the help of counsellor and healer. 

It is very natural to feel this fear and dread. Also expecting the worst to happen. Please do seek counselling help to articulate the fears and be able to work on them. I have learnt this now at the age of 54, that we need to speak out our fears and ask for help. 

Several emotions play a role when we are caregivers too. I went through guilt, remorse too. Have made my peace with that. But feeling helpless and alone is very much there.

Please do share whatever you feel here. I believe we are mutually healing here.

Take care 

[ESM]

1 hour ago, ADM925 said:

She was all I had, my entire life, world, and sole refuge, and the anguish gets worse every day.  I am not a young man, and caring for Mom was my life for the last 21 years. 

Same here. I continue to feel in a constant free fall. As odd as it may sound, I don't think me and my mother were ever a part for a single day in my entire life. That's not to say I didn't go out and have friends, but I never went away to college, I never moved out after college, or even went away for a weekend or a day or two. My mother and myself were an inseparable team for my entire life.

Just like you she was all I had. My only brother died of pancreatic cancer back in 1997, my father left when I was four and I never knew him, although I hear he died about fifteen years ago. I have no significant other nor any children. And for whatever reason I lost contact with the last of my friends back in the 2006 so I really haven't had any friends for 15 years either.

So for all practical purposes the last 15 years truly was just me and my mom. Each day seems to be imbued with progressively more and more hopelessness and fear. Like yourself, I don't see any end in the site. I only hope somehow it gets better for you, myself and everyone on this board. Try to be well.

[ADM925]

1 hour ago, Waves13 said:

Within a span of 1 and half years I lost my dad, only sibling my brother and mother. I was petrified as every 6 months I lost a family member. And I had lost my birth family. I was around 44. And at the age of 26, I had lost my husband in an air crash.

I am very sorry to hear of the many grievous losses you have suffered, so many in such an appallingly short time, and I truly appreciate the kind words, encouragement, and sound advice.  I have begun looking into help and will continue to do so.  It does make me uneasy but your experience gives me hope that I too can find the right counselor.  Thank you again for your kindness and understanding, and I will continue to share.

1 hour ago, ESM said:

I never went away to college, I never moved out after college, or even went away for a weekend or a day or two. My mother and myself were an inseparable team for my entire life.

The same for me, and it has gotten me to thinking back to the only time we were separated for more than a matter of hours.  It was back in 1990 when my parents went on a 3-week cruise, and I can vividly recall the incipient dread brought on by the silent, empty house after about a week.  It would return with a vengeance 30 years later with Mom's first hospitalization - again 3 weeks, with no visiting permitted - but at least we spoke by phone almost every day.  The horror of the next nearly 3 months' separation, with very limited contact for 27 days and then no visiting or communication at all, will never cease to haunt me and give nightmares.

1 hour ago, ESM said:

Each day seems to be imbued with progressively more and more hopelessness and fear. Like yourself, I don't see any end in the site.

We had mutual friends but were always with them together.  It is very frightening and paralyzing for me now because the world has moved on while I go deeper into despair and disbelief by the hour.  I see with panic that it's almost 7 AM and another day alone has begun.  Again I wonder how long this can go on.