Visiting Gravesite - How often are you supposed to visit?

[peachglitter]

My mother died in January and I feel extremely guilty for only visiting her grave a handful of times since then. At her funeral, I felt an immense amount of guilt for choosing, maybe, the wrong casket color or not having enough flowers or not giving her the send off I really wanted to. She died unexpectedly and I had four days to put together a funeral. It felt so fast. I don't know how to feel. I think I should visit her often, or where she is physically is, because I want to believe that spiritually, she is in a better place.

I hear of people saying they visit their loved ones weekly. I feel like this is what I should be doing. I am in so much pain, I haven't even purchased an individual marker yet. My mother is buried in a family plot which has a family grave marker. But I am determined to get her an individual marker as she was, her own person and deserving of that, in my eyes. On her freshly dug grave, there is a bed of flowers that have since been withered, dried, and blown away by the wind. Whenever I do visit the cemetery, there is a sick, uneasy feeling that washes over me. I don't know why it is so hard for me, but it is. It is hard for me to think of her in that lonely cemetery that we had drove past millions of times before, together. I never thought that one day, she would be one of the graves I would see from the street as I drove past. She died young, she was supposed to be here, I just can't understand.

I don't know why I made this post. I just wanted to know if I am wrong for not visiting her grave as much as I think I should. Although, what would this solve? It just goes hand-in-hand with the guilt I feel for her passing. Does anyone else have this issue or has dealt with it in the past?

[reader]

Dear peach glitter:

Please don’t be hard on yourself about how often you are visiting the grave site.  We all grieve differently and there is no right way or wrong way. I know the first year after my father passed away, I went once a week sometimes twice a week. I was so tearful and emotional and feeling so guilty about the last year of his life. 

Now five years later, I tried to go on all the major holidays and Father’s Day.

 Like you I just couldn’t believe that my father was in a casket in the ground. I thought about how lonely he must be. It’s hard to come to terms with. 

Everything you have expressed is something that we all struggle with. Please know we are with you.

[MomsLovingSon]

I don't really think that there's a right or wrong amount that you should go. There are so many factors. My mom is being buried tomorrow afternoon so this is certainly on my mind. I think that personally I'll probably make the trip a couple of times per year as the cemetery is a couple of hours away from where her and I live. We have a double plot so we're going to have lots of time together when all is said and done anyway, if you an appreciate that dumb joke. My mom's birthday is pretty late in the year (and we're in Canada so you can imagine the weather) so it's more likely that in future years I'll go visit around Mother's Day and at the end of the summer/start of the fall when things are more comfortable and the weather is a bit more predictable.

 

As I said, so many factors play into something like this. Who knows, maybe in my case I'll end up living a lot closer down the line and I'll see her monthly or bi-monthly. Maybe I'll have issues with money where driving and paying for gas/taking off work isn't something I can do too often (as of writing this it would definitely be a factor for me). Same goes for you or anyone else, it's all different.