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No Closure


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Nearly 4 years ago I was charged with a Federal Crime. Prosecution actually said, on record, twice, that I wasn't guilty. Once was at sentencing. It cost me my daughter, my wife, my friends, and my entire life. I am struggling with my wife and life the most, but it's all related, so I am going to start at the beginning.

For her 18th birthday, I adopted my daughter. I met her a few years before and she was in an abusive home. My girlfriend and I took care of her as best we could. 3 years ago I adopted her, because I love her like she was my own. Like many people abused as a child, she ended up with an abusive man. I suspect he was deleting my texts to her. He isolated her. One day my mother and i sent texts that were not answered, then stopped by to invite her to lunch. He answered the door screaming and yelling and punching the door and walls. I stayed calm. My mother called the cops. That was a Friday, and Monday I was served with a restraining order. I have since learned that getting a restraining order is a common tactic of an abuser seeking to isolate their victim.

The order was filled with lies and stuff I just couldn't see my daughter saying. I told my lawyer that I didn't think she read it, and she clearly hadn't when we went to court, because her lawyer went through every allegation, and asked if I had done it, and she said "No" to every question. My lawyer asked her if I had ever hurt her, or forced her to do anything at all against her will. Still, "No". Then he asked 2 questions that caused all the problems I am facing now. He asked if I had ever threatened her, and if I had ever threatened anyone. The answer still "No". The order was denied, because it's not illegal to invite your kid to lunch, but I have not seen her since. I miss her every day.

Prosecution got wind of the hearing and decided to use it. They went and interviewed my daughter and her boyfriend together. A statement was made that I threatened her into testifying in an official statement. It never happened, but she had testified under oath that I never threatened anyone ever. My judge has a reputation of sentencing anyone who commits perjury to a year in prison on the spot. The conflicting statements means any answer to a question about if I threatened her would be conflicting with a prior statement and perjury. My lawyer was a former prosecutor of 23 years. She told me she basically wasn't going to defend me, and then she told me that if I didn't take the plea, she would make sure my kid got that year in prison.
 

I took the plea for a range of 6-12 months, but at sentencing they tried to give me 18 at first. Prosecution objected to the higher time based on, of all things, the fact I wasn't guilty. The judge gave me 7 months, and I was supposed to serve 53 days.
 
While waiting the 3 years for my hearing, I met someone. We will call her R. R was fantastic, and supportive, and she spent a very long time convincing me I should date her, and that she would wait for me if I went to prison. We built a life. Got a house, adopted 2 cats, planned a future. We painted our wedding vows on the walls.
 
I got R into a doctor and dentist for the first time in years, taught her how to drive, tried to get her to make new friends. While preparing for prison, I used gmail to schedule emails 1-2 times a week and wrote real substantial emails so she would always know I was there and we could be connected. She took my money and we prepaid the bills for the entire 7 month sentence, even though I was supposed to be out in 53 days. That way she had nothing to worry about. I arranged for people to check on her a few times a week. I did so much more to make sure she was taken care of and would have to worry about nothing.
 
The night before I left to self surrender, we went out to a fire show with a "friend". At 6 hours before we left, R met a guy we will call A. Now I am poly and open. R has a history of picking abusive people, so we set some rules so she could have her needs taken care of, but not get involved with anyone. She could have random hookups with any person twice. Those people were not going to be friends. If she found someone she really liked, well I am only gone 53 days, she can hold off until I am back. There were other rules like no overnights, such. Breaking rules is cheating. She helped design the rules and agreed to them.
 
According to her timeline, she started cheating on me and breaking all the rules on day 14, on our wedding anniversary, under the wedding vows painted on the walls. I was in quarantine in The Hole for the first 16 days. I started writing home... They were denying me a medical device I needed to walk. R was my power of Attorney and Medical Power of Attorney. I wrote home for help. Instead of making a single call to fix it, she stopped opening my mail and started cheating. She didn't tell ANYONE, and she knew from my letter that if it wasn't fixed, I would have to stay 7 months instead of 53 days. Once my mother knew, it took 24 hours for me to get my device. However the damage was done. I had received a disciplinary write up for "faking" my medical condition and refusing to go to the compound, because I couldn't physically walk there without assistance. The write up made me ineligible for the early release.
 
They gave me the write up on day 16 and didn't let me out until day 31. No calls while you are in solitary confinement. When I could call home on day 32, my wife lied about the affair, but in a voice I have only ever heard once from her, when she was lying. She told me not to call her back for 5 days because she had plans with A, and couldn't spare the 15min for me. A couple days later she was at the home of someone else I called, and we talked a bit more. She admitted the affair, and I asked her to stop. She told me she would only stop cheating for now, if when I got home she got to go back to it, and that meanwhile she get to have unrestricted alone time with the guy. I told her that was playing with fire, and I was not OK with it. However, she gave me no choice. She would cheat and/or leave me, or I could agree.
 
Poly or not, I don't know anyone who would be OK with your partner continuing on with someone they cheated with. I didn't have a choice though, so I reached out to A with a letter. The letter is sitting here unopened still. I asked R to just tell me what happened. Why was this guy so important. Just help me understand. I never got a single answer. It was always being written for a letter.
 
At one point she asked me if we could have a break from our marriage. I wasn't ok with that for a lot of reasons. She told me she didn't want to feel like she was cheating all the time.I said that if she leaves me at my lowest point, then I will always worry she is going to leave me any time something bad happens, so if she left me now, we couldn't get back together. She asked me if she left me could we still be friends and live together. I said I didn't think I could handle seeing her with the guy she left me for and having to be around them, and hearing them having sex in the next room, so no, we couldn't be friends. She asked if we could still be roommates. I said no. Turned out, she just cared about not losing the house. She stayed that day so she didn't lose the house.
 
Every conversation was about A and how she needed him so badly, and how I HAD to accept that, but that she loved me and was never leaving me. We renew our vows yearly, and 2 days before she left, she told my mother she was never leaving me and would marry me a hundred times again.
 
On day 38 she told me she would do anything to get me home sooner and would welcome me home with open arms. On day 39 she told me she didn't love me anymore and never wanted to see me again. While every conversation until this point was "I have to be with A", today she said it was her choice and had nothing to do with anyone, not even A. She wanted to be alone. Of course she started dating A right away and is living with him now, so that obviously wasn't true.
 
I only have 2 close friends in the city. Both girls who were interested in R. Turns out, R went to them for advice, and both of them told R to leave me. Both of them thought they would be getting R to join them in their relationships as a third. One of these girls I considered a sister. When it didn't work out with my sister, because R was with A, my sister decided she wanted to be friends with me again. I am declining. The other girl told me she felt too conflicted about everything and stopped contact.
 
This was not just a loss of friends, but they had stood with me through 3 years of court. They were my support network for my time in prison. They were what was keeping my sanity. They were who I called and wrote letters and emails to so I was connected to the outside world. Suddenly I was alone. I had my mother for financial support and my first wife from a different city still used me for mental support, so we talked on occasion, but my wife and friends were gone. Our future plans were gone. All the prep work I had put in was useless. All of R's family who supported me also cut contact of course.
 
When you are in prison, and lose a part of your life, it can't be replaced while you are sitting in prison. It's just a hole. You can't replace a future. You can't replace your support network. There is nothing but waiting, so you sit with your racing thoughts for as long as you are in there. Every night I had 4-12 dreams about R leaving me, and that continues to this day. The rest are nightmares. Every night you go to sleep with the loss the last thing on your mind and wake with it still there.
 
Because I no longer qualified to get out at 53 days I had to put in for Halfway House, and with Covid, the rules are changing. You often get to check in, then go directly to home confinement if you have an approved home. I put in my paperwork on day 38 to get 90 days off. I would have spent 4 months inside rather than 53 days, but at least I would be home with R on Dec 15th. Since I applied on day 38, I listed R as someone I was living with. R left the day after on day 39. Dec 1st it came back, but since R wasn't living with me anymore, the paperwork was invalid, and had to be resubmitted. It was 15 days from my Halfway House date, and it took 9 weeks to get the first reply. I wasn't going home any time soon.
 
I only talked to her once after she left. She was angry she lost her house. Not me, or us, or our future. Just the house.
 
During all of this time, I had been assaulted by staff, and had been through some things from the staff that I can't talk about yet. Not even to my therapist I see twice a week. I was being tortured when R decided not to help me and stopped opening my letters. She abandoned me to the hell. I didn't tell her what I went through, nor that the write up was what caused me to lose my out date of 53 days. I finally reported an assault by staff, and as punishment they put me on a medical hold so I couldn't get halfway house. I finally got out Jan 26th on The First Step Act, by some miracle, because I didn't qualify for it.
 
The neighbors seem to think she waited only 2 days before cheating, and had people over for loud parties the whole time she lived here. She moved her stuff out and told my mother she was gone, but used the place as her personal **** pad for 2 months. Her stuff was gone, so she was trashing my things, and the house.
 
Coming home is even more trauma. Every room or part of my home is a memory or bad thought. I came home to an empty house (I did get the cats back before I came home so they were here). I can't look at the cabinets in the kitchen, because R picked them out in the color and style she wanted, and they were part of our long term plans for this house.

Every space we used it's like ghost images. I look at my couch and see our spots, and where I would rub her feet every night. I also see her cheating on me on the same couch with images my head conjures up. R had a bedroom to herself for crafts and makeup, and I can't go in there. We used 2 different rooms as bedrooms, and I see our bed and us cuddling when I try and walk through them. I can't sleep on the bed, and I do know she was using it to cheat on me, A told me. He wouldn't answer any more questions so I could get closure, but he told me where he was cheating with my wife. Every room is a memory of our life together, and a plan for how we were going to do the house and build our future. I can't stand to be in them. I have a mat in the pantry and hooked up the computer in here. It's the only room that isn't totally tainted. I have to sell the house to get away from it. I don't know anyone in the city now that my friends did what they did. I am agoraphobic, so I can't go meet new people. I just sit here and cry probably 4-10 hours a day. I can't make myself cook in that kitchen, so I am living on chips and candy.
 
If I understood what happened, it would be easier. I could get closure. No answers will ever come though. After all the time she spent convincing me she loves me and would wait for me, and her starting to cheat in 2-14 days, I have trust issues. I had an ex once tell me that the only people who will ever be with me are using me, because I am not lovable, and this proves the point, so I won't trust someone again. I find it hard to hear my mother say "I love you" because it hurts, and I just think "lie" every time. I don't know how to move on without closure. I have been out for nearly a month now, and it's actually worse here, because I not only have the racing thoughts, but I have to be in this house triggering me. 2 nights ago, something happened and I had flashbacks to prison mixed with images of my wife cheating that I conjured, and my brain shut down and I blacked out.
 
I have been trying to figure out a future. I went looking for another kid to adopt. I also went looking for old friends I lost contact with years ago. I messaged one on Facebook and went to his home. Turned out he was close friends with A, and we were a block from A and R's house. I'm trying to get the $2200 R stole from me along with the other items she took that were not hers. I am also trying to give R's stuff back, but R has blocked me on social media and A is the one talking to me about it, and being hostile, while I am being as nice as I can be knowing that if I am not, it could end up in court and a violation of my release. I have to basically kiss this piece of **** vulture's ass to try and finish sorting out belongings. I can't go outside without a support person, and the closest person I know has no car and lives 3 hours away.
 
I don't understand what happened. I just don't understand. I am broken, and I don't think I can be fixed this time. I don't think I can trust anyone again. I would give my life to have another moment with her, and at the same time, I could never take her back because I can't trust her or believe anything she says. I can't reconcile the person who dropped me off a the door and this other person who has done so much bad to me. It doesn't make sense. I just don't understand.
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