Lost My Soulmate

[Mo_09]

I met my ex about three years ago. I loved him very much and he meant the world to me. When we decided to try to have kids we were both so scared we wouldn’t be able to but we went for it. After a few months we gave up trying, but that’s when it happened! I got pregnant and I was so happy but something in him had shifted. Throughout the pregnancy he didn’t seem the same. He was sad, and mean, and was never around. After the baby was born, I started noticing his drinking and he was still not ok. He didn’t seem happy or even interested in our son. He barely helped around the house or with the baby and I needed help. I asked him about it and he said he wasn’t ok mentally. I knew that was true. I told him we needed to get him help. He had severe ptsd from the military and growing up in an abusive home. I figured an inpatient program would help. I found a bunch of places and showed him but after a long talk he says no and he would be ok. I loved him and wanted him better. I decided to leave because I wasn’t sure if me and my son would be safe and I thought it would force his hand. It didn’t work. He got mad. He filed for custody with the courts. I wanted so badly for him to stop. I wanted him to just get help. He would FaceTime with our son every week. One week he didn’t text or email for a FaceTime. Then another week went by. I thought it was strange but talking to him had gotten so difficult I didn’t want to reach out. After two weeks, I emailed him and I received no response. I googled his name and obituaries popped up. He died and no one told me. I got in touch with his family and they were so mean. They told me I was not allowed at the funeral. They later told me that he had gotten a dui earlier that day and because he felt I would use it against him in court he killed himself. They all blame me for his death. I blame myself too to be honest. I left him alone thinking it would help but I should’ve done more and I shouldn’t have left. I feel angry at his family for not telling me and for treating him badly but the truth is they’re probably right. I loved him and I should’ve done more to show him that. 

[tnd]

I am very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine being in your shoes with a new baby and then to have this happen. Wish you could ignore his family but I know from experience that is easier said than done. Please don't blame yourself for any of it. Many on here have experienced something similar to your experience and feel the same way. But deep down, you have to know that it wasn't your fault. You are not responsible for another's actions, only your own.   

[Mo_09]

Thank you. I appreciate that. I just don’t really know how to process it all and I feel so anxious now because of it, like anything can happen at any moment. It’s almost easier to blame myself because it gives me some sense of control. 

[tnd]

2 minutes ago, Mo_09 said:

It’s almost easier to blame myself because it gives me some sense of control. 

Mo_09:   Of course, it's easier to blame yourself because you have not really been given a valid reason as to why he did what he did. I think without an answer your mind starts to fill in the blanks and blaming you because you tell it "if only I did this or if I had done that or said this...etc".  Only he knew and maybe even then he might not have understood his own feelings and thoughts. But I'm afraid it could be harmful blaming yourself, especially since you aren't to blame. You offered him what you could; to help him get help. You also had a baby to think of. You did nothing wrong. And really, neither did he. He was "injured". Just not in a way that people can "see". PTSD is not exactly a visible injury. But you did do what you could. Please don't beat yourself up over anything. I think initially a lot of us do that only to realize later on that we couldn't have done anything or any more that would have changed the outcome. Nothing will bring back our beloveds. You've got to focus now on yourself and your own mental health. You need to get through the grief process. We don't need permission or to place blame on ourselves in order to grieve. Be easy on yourself. You are going through what might be the most difficult time of your life. We are here for you. 

[KayC]

OMG, I am so sorry!  I read your story and I'm stunned they could blame YOU!  Please don't blame yourself!  I hope, I pray, you get some help with this, see a grief counselor, get a therapist, please!  This is too much to carry, to lay on yourself.  I also hope tremendously that you have good familial support around you.  He had problems, pure and simple, it does no good to blame him either, his demons were inner and hard for him to live with.  I hope you'll continue to come here, to read and post, we get it, we understand, we care.  We want to be here for you.

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.
 

Grief Process
Grief specialist

Spouse's Suicide
Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss
Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide