Feeling empty keep replaying seeing my mom in hospital

[AlanMichael]

Having a hard time today. Keep thinking about her being in the hospital and seeing her body….such a difference one day alive and communicating and then quick decline speech impairments and gone. I just hope she is in a better place

[janetan]

I’m sorry to hear that you had bad moments today. I am having hard time almost every day. Sometimes it last longer and I had to cry it out. I also keep replaying the last few hours before my mom passed on. Let’s be stronger every day. 

[ADM925]

8 hours ago, AlanMichael said:

Keep thinking about her being in the hospital and seeing her body…

 

1 hour ago, janetan said:

I also keep replaying the last few hours before my mom passed on.

Very heartbreaking to hear what both of you are going through.  I can truly feel your anguish.

I am reliving the surreal nightmare of the funeral home people coming to our home to take my mother away after she passed while I was trying to care for her.  They asked me to leave the room but I couldn't.  It seemed to be happening in slow motion.  One of the 2 friends who came by to try to comfort me has since passed also.  I have no recollection of what happened after they all left other than locking the door.

Mom was all I had, my whole life and world.  I am old, very tired, and can't sleep in the empty house.  Everyone I know has family.  I would fly off the earth to be with mine again.  

[Ben82]

Hi, my mum died 2am this morning and I’m the same, all I can see is her in the hospice. I’m struggling to remember her from before. My mind is so clouded! I’m new to this so I hope I haven’t put this in the wrong place! 

[Traz]

Why do our brains continually revisit the  awful imagery and memories of our loved one's struggle in their last days? Is that a form of PTSD or is it just trying to make sense of the event until our brain can finally file it away in some dark corner? 

My mom's suffering comes to me in flashes. I tried to take care of her in my home, but she was too ill. I don't know how people can do it day in and out, maybe they are made of better stuff than me... I did try my best though. Despite this, my mom ended up back in the hospital when the pain was too much and she passed there. 

Memories:

The one where she was crying and saying "What's to become of me?"

The one where I didn't hear her in the night because of my cpap's noise and she was in distress. The guilt is horrible over that one.

The one of her sitting at my kitchen table looking so utterly lost.

The one of her in the ER clutching my hand and begging me to take care of my health. 

There are many more, but you get the picture because you all have been there. Its not such a great club we're in, is it? 

Years ago I saw a counselor for some personal issues and he told me that death is in many ways, like birth. There is much pain and a labour involved as well. It's a process that has been going on for millenia, but we as a society are still death phobic. I wish there was some way for us to not be as traumatized as we are over the death of our parent. (s) 

I wasnt brought up in a religious home, so I'd say finding my belief system has come over the years from lots of soul searching, reading and by having a profound experience myself. I believe we don't just stop. I've delved into near death experiences and have read books by scholars who believe consciousness is a completely separate thing from the body. Dr. Bruce Greyson has really helped me in this journey of grief and he's not a crack pot - he's studied NDE's for many years and is a neuropsychologist.

The most difficult and life changing thing, is learning how to live without your loved one while you're still here in this existence.

I am friends with a woman who has had many losses but the worst was her 24 year old son in 2018. He was her only child and that boy was her world in every sense. About a year after his death she decided to see a medium. She did her research and went to someone she felt comfortable with and who was highly recommended. I'm not saying rush out and see a medium, but I can tell you what this person said to her blew her mind. There was no way he could have known these minute details of her son's life, the way he died, his unusual nickname... It brought her so much comfort and got her through some pretty dark days. 

I have considered it myself. When you are desperate to have any type of connection with the person you love, you feel like you'd do anything. I am very aware that there are charlatans out there who prey on the bereaved, so I would be very careful in who I chose.

Sorry for going off topic and that this was so long. I hope you all find some wonderful memories tonight of your parent to hold on to.  

 

[AlanMichael]

I’ve been dealing with some guilt as well. My mother was so strong. She had cancer for about 7 years but what’s crazy is it wasn’t cancer that killed her it was meningitis. She helped me so much with my move and getting my new apartment set up while I was out of state that I feel she could have caught a bacteria or something doing things for me. I feel it was possible I could have done that to her. And I’ve been living with guilt. I feel at fault at times i know i shouldn’t blame myself or it’s possible it had nothing to do with me but I feel like it’s a big possibility as she mentioned around that time she started to feel sick……I feel horrible…..guilty.  

[ESM]

5 hours ago, AlanMichael said:

I’ve been dealing with some guilt as well. My mother was so strong. She had cancer for about 7 years but what’s crazy is it wasn’t cancer that killed her it was meningitis

Sounds very similar to me. About nine years ago my mom ws diagnised with cancer for the first time, it was colon cancer. Amazingly, things went pretty smoothly. She had the surgery, she was in the hospital for about a week but didn't require any chemo or any radiation treatment at all and things went pretty well and she recovered fine. Then seven years later she was diagnosed with uterine cancer and had a hysterectomy. That also went reasonably well. She had the surgery was home the next day and while she did require some chemo it was only one treatment every month and a half, the side effects were minimal and she recovered fine.

Then about three months ago, almost 3 years after the uterine cancer, she was diagnosed with acute leukemia. I kept saying to myself you've got to be kidding me. She beat colon cancer and uterine cancer and now she gets leukemia. But amazingly after the first round of chemo the doctors were actually pleased and said that the cancer had regressed quite a bit. At the time of the diagnosis she wasn't showing any symptoms. She was 86 but acted and looked like she was maybe 60 something. 

Ultimately she contracted some kind of an infection at some point which led to Cardiac Arrest. It wasn't the cancer that killed her. And to this day I partially blame myself for that. The day she was scheduled to go into the hospital for her second round of chemo the ambulette which was supposed to transport her to the hospital never came. The hospital screwed up. So, I suggested to my mom thinking every day was critical and not wanting to be even a single day late with the chemo, why don't you call 911 and go into the hospital via an ambulance. I didn't realize that if you call 911 even if it's not necessary you automatically get put into the emergency room. So my mom, immunocompromised and under chemo was unnecessarily in the emergency room for almost 16 hours, for nothing. I suspect that might be where she picked up a bug that led to the infection. And she did it under my suggestion.

Moreover, I can't stop thinking about her last day in the hospital. She was really struggling breathing and was only somewhat responsive when two doctors came down to see me at 1 in the afternoon did tell me she was fighting off an infection and they would be sending down the Infectious Disease team with new antibiotics I could possibly fight the infection. They also said we would know within 24 hours worth of the antibiotics would work properly or not.

From that point at 1 p.m. When she passed away that evening at 7:30 p.m. not a single doctor came to see her. The Infectious Disease team with a new medications never came. And even with me running into the hallway every half hour pleading with the nurses to send someone down to see her no one ever came. She was just left by herself with me,for almost until she passed away.

I even tried to contact a law firm to see if I could file a malpractice suit but they basically gave me the run around telling me it's really difficult to prove such things and unless you get all the actual medical documents and go through it yourself and find something very specific it would be very difficult to prove.

Anyway, I've rambled enough. Today was yet another awful day, and I suspect tomorrow be equally awful if not worse. Here's to hoping everyone feels a little bit better soon. Try to have a good night and be well.

 

 

[unluckydaughter]

I feel all of your pain. It’s been 10 months since I lost my dear Dad. He was in hospital due to covid. We were not allowed to meet him at the facility. The day before he passed he messaged us to get him discharged and said he was doing great. In few hours we got a call from the hospital that his oxygen levels dipped below 50% and was put on a vent. And out of everything he suffered a cardiac arrest. We never got to see him. To this day I cannot believe he’s gone. But every now and then I cannot stop thinking how he would have been waiting anxiously for us to bring him home. What he must have gone through all alone without any family beside him. My brain freezes when these thoughts comes to my mind and I feel lost. Not sure if this would get any better. This is where I come to share my feelings coz I don’t think there’s any better place to do so.

[Lost now]

On 2/19/2022 at 4:56 PM, Traz said:

Why do our brains continually revisit the  awful imagery and memories of our loved one's struggle in their last days? Is that a form of PTSD or is it just trying to make sense of the event until our brain can finally file it away in some dark corner? 

My mom's suffering comes to me in flashes. I tried to take care of her in my home, but she was too ill. I don't know how people can do it day in and out, maybe they are made of better stuff than me... I did try my best though. Despite this, my mom ended up back in the hospital when the pain was too much and she passed there. 

Memories:

The one where she was crying and saying "What's to become of me?"

The one where I didn't hear her in the night because of my cpap's noise and she was in distress. The guilt is horrible over that one.

The one of her sitting at my kitchen table looking so utterly lost.

The one of her in the ER clutching my hand and begging me to take care of my health. 

There are many more, but you get the picture because you all have been there. Its not such a great club we're in, is it? 

Years ago I saw a counselor for some personal issues and he told me that death is in many ways, like birth. There is much pain and a labour involved as well. It's a process that has been going on for millenia, but we as a society are still death phobic. I wish there was some way for us to not be as traumatized as we are over the death of our parent. (s) 

I wasnt brought up in a religious home, so I'd say finding my belief system has come over the years from lots of soul searching, reading and by having a profound experience myself. I believe we don't just stop. I've delved into near death experiences and have read books by scholars who believe consciousness is a completely separate thing from the body. Dr. Bruce Greyson has really helped me in this journey of grief and he's not a crack pot - he's studied NDE's for many years and is a neuropsychologist.

The most difficult and life changing thing, is learning how to live without your loved one while you're still here in this existence.

I am friends with a woman who has had many losses but the worst was her 24 year old son in 2018. He was her only child and that boy was her world in every sense. About a year after his death she decided to see a medium. She did her research and went to someone she felt comfortable with and who was highly recommended. I'm not saying rush out and see a medium, but I can tell you what this person said to her blew her mind. There was no way he could have known these minute details of her son's life, the way he died, his unusual nickname... It brought her so much comfort and got her through some pretty dark days. 

I have considered it myself. When you are desperate to have any type of connection with the person you love, you feel like you'd do anything. I am very aware that there are charlatans out there who prey on the bereaved, so I would be very careful in who I chose.

Sorry for going off topic and that this was so long. I hope you all find some wonderful memories tonight of your parent to hold on to.  

 

Sorry for your loss and how you feel. I lost my mom recently and thinking about going to the medium. Do you know if there is a time period I should wait after the death? I watch Matt Fraser videos and he said to wait 1 year but some other people saying there is no need to wait.

[Traz]

Hi Lost Now,

I think it depends on each individual person and where they are at in their grief journey. I haven't been to one yet but I'm not ruling it out, as there are days when I feel so lost without my mom.  

The only thing I would really suggest is doing a lot of research before selecting the person. Unfortunately there are some scammers out there who prey on the bereaved. Maybe find someone through close friends or someone who has very good reviews and has been doing it a long time. 

I wish you all the best in finding a way to connect with your mom. ♡

[AlanMichael]

Hope everyone is doing ok. I’m not. Having bad days the guilt is eating at me. I just feel I had my mother doing a lot to help me with my move back to my home state and I was the cause of her death and possibly getting this infection. She was just so strong it was hard seeing her getting so sick like she did. She had cancer but never really showed it and then got this infection I believe because of me. I feel devastated I feel I caused her death and if I just handled everything myself she would still be here. 

[ADM925]

9 hours ago, AlanMichael said:

I feel devastated I feel I caused her death and if I just handled everything myself she would still be here. 

I also will never forgive myself for not calling the EMTs right away when Mom had confusion because even though it cleared up for a week the clot that caused the cardiac arrest could have been discovered and treated during that week if she had been in the hospital instead of at home.  Mom beat cellulitis, her wounds were all healed, heart and lungs were very good and she had no other major illness, only bad knees.  The clot could have been found and treated along with the early UTI.  8 1/2 months of hell avoided and Mom still with me.  Now I have nightmares all night and panic alone every day.  Being with people telling me to 'get over it already' is very oppressive because Mom was all I had and the guilt and regret will never end.

[ADM925]

On 3/3/2022 at 5:05 PM, unluckydaughter said:

To this day I cannot believe he’s gone. But every now and then I cannot stop thinking how he would have been waiting anxiously for us to bring him home. What he must have gone through all alone without any family beside him. My brain freezes when these thoughts comes to my mind and I feel lost. Not sure if this would get any better.

I can relate to this unspeakable horror because my Mom  had 3 months on the ventilator in hospital / nursing home / another hospital, with no visiting after the first 27 days.  Each move she must have been thinking "I'm going home" but instead ended up in another horrible place to continue suffering alone.  Our only 'contact' was Skype where I saw her being yelled at and roughed up by the nursing home nurses, crossing herself with the mittens she was forced to wear (Mom was very claustrophobic), and bursting into tears and flailing her fists at her attendants as they poked toys and tubes at her (I guess to try to distract her from the ventilator, which she hated).  Watching this I thought I was going to die right then and leave her permanently alone, and the nightmare terror of it comes at me day and night awake or asleep ever since.  How much longer this can go on I don't know because only my Mom herself could stop this kind of anguish.       .

[Traz]

On 3/4/2022 at 11:28 PM, AlanMichael said:

Hope everyone is doing ok. I’m not. Having bad days the guilt is eating at me. I just feel I had my mother doing a lot to help me with my move back to my home state and I was the cause of her death and possibly getting this infection. She was just so strong it was hard seeing her getting so sick like she did. She had cancer but never really showed it and then got this infection I believe because of me. I feel devastated I feel I caused her death and if I just handled everything myself she would still be here. 

Oh AlanMichael... 

I wish I could magically rid you of the needless guilt you feel. Spiritually and/or karma speaking, everything comes down to intent. Our intent behind our actions is what matters. Did you deliberately set out to cause your Mom's pain and suffering? Was it your intent to cause her eventual death? The answer is of course not! Her illness was the cause of her death and you didn't outright cause it, nor are you responsible for any type of infection that she got. She could have picked that up anywhere, anytime. I really believe when it is your time, there is no stopping it. As much as we hate it, we aren't in control. All that matters is that you loved your Mom. She also had free will and made choices regarding the move. If it was too much, she could have said so. Each human is responsible for every choice and every decision they make.  I can tell you right now, as a Mom to two kids - your Mom would hate that you're putting yourself through this. She loves you and there's nothing to ask forgiveness for. I would really suggest if this continues, to maybe look at a bit of therapy to help you through. Guilt is such a destructive emotion and it gets in the way of our grief process. Be kind to yourself. You're a good person ♡

[AlanMichael]

Any tips to help with excessive thoughts? I keep thinking about her in the hospital and her getting emotional crying some a weeks before hospital when she was having moments of confusion. Just keeps playing over in my head her crying some 

[ADM925]

On 3/8/2022 at 7:22 PM, AlanMichael said:

Any tips to help with excessive thoughts? I keep thinking about her in the hospital and her getting emotional crying some a weeks before hospital when she was having moments of confusion. Just keeps playing over in my head her crying some 

I wish I could help

I keep reliving watching helplessly over the video device as my mother was shaken and yelled at by a nursing home nurse, and another time when she burst into tears and flailed at them when they were pushing toys or objects at her as a distraction.  I thought it would kill me right then and i can't stop seeing it day or night since.  Someone said "Don't think about it" but that does not work.

[MomsLovingSon]

I think about my mom's last hours in the hospital. I guess I'm (and most importantly, she was) pretty fortunate that considering the situation things went as smoothly as the could go. The nurses and staff were all very nice and caring, no one (including all the times I visited previously) did anything that I would consider inappropriate, etc. The last doctor could have perhaps had a better bedside manner, but he wasn't mean or rude or anything, maybe just not as overtly compassionate (as I personally needed I guess).

 

My mom had been on a ventilator four about 10 days before she passed away. She was heavily sedated and everything so once she was put on it I never got to hear her voice, see her eyes, feel her squeeze my hand or anything. At most there was the occasional coughing fit which I didn't like to look at even though it wasn't terribly violent. My mom, who until about a month prior to her death, really didn't have anything major going on in terms of health. At 70 years old she was certainly overweight and she was on medication for high blood pressure, but she never had anything extremely concerning in her life like cancer. She ended up passing away from blood clots in her lungs and a severe bout of pneumonia that seemed to refuse to be positively affected by various antibiotics.

 

She'd been put on blood thinners to treat the clots but had to be taken off of them 3-4 days before she passed because she developed a bleed in her gut while at the hospital and they obviously didn't want to exacerbate that. On her last full day of life (April 7th) the bleed had cleared up so they were starting her back up on a low dose of the thinners to see how she could handle it. In the afternoon I had gone in to visit her and the reports I got made me think there was hope around the corner. When I left after my ~90 minute visit, however, her blood pressure had dropped quite a bit and staff were dealing with it. I figured it was just a normal thing and left feeling okay. Around 5:30 in the evening they called me back saying I should return to the hospital ASAP; things had just kept getting worse for her since I had left.

 

When I was able to return at around 6pm they told me things were basically a foregone conclusion. I won't get into details (nothing crazy really) as I'll probably just tell the whole story in a dedicated thread to her. For the last few hours of her life I sat there beside her, got up frequently to speak to her, hold her hand and give her small kisses on the forehead. Aside from that I took about half an hour to sit outside for some fresh air and to just have a break from the stress with my cousin who was with us. My mom died at 1:41am on April 8th; during the last hour or two I played her three videos from Youtube on my phone close to her right ear, two of them just being songs I knew she loved. I won't say what they were since that can be just one last little secret between us.

 

Mom couldn't talk to me or hold me. When the ventilator was shut off she did her best to breathe on her own. She lasted maybe half an hour. It seemed like it took both only a few minutes and hours for it to reach its conclusion. For the last few minutes or more I was talking to her nonstop in her ear telling her everything from how much I loved her, how proud of her I am, how I didn't want her to be scared and that I'd be with her until the end even if she couldn't hear me, and how her knees would never cause her pain anymore. I held her without trying to put much pressure on her and I had my head gently on her chest and I heard that last breath. I think at that moment I just went kind of numb. I felt happy that she wasn't suffering, relieved that the waiting was over, but heartbroken that she was officially gone. In about a span of 10 hours I went from leaving the hospital feeling optimistic that when I would visit her again in about a day and a half and have good news, to standing there looking down at mom knowing that from now on I'm never going to have her in my life and that I'm on my own. All I can hope for looking back in regards to those last moments is that she knew I didn't leave her and that I kept my promise to stay with her until the very end just as she'd have done for me if I was on that bed.

 

Sorry if it's such a long read. Every time I go in thinking I might write something short (like 250 words) it always seems to turn into a less eloquent War and Peace.