mom and dad Heroin and Alcohol Killed my Parents

[mariah.juliette]

Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts on the death of my parents. I will give you the dates of their deaths and the causes.

Veronica Marie Osburn (mom)- July 28, 1975 - October 23, 2021, heroin overdose.

George Harrison Talley (dad) - October 5, 1976 - December 20, 2021, organ failure caused by excessive drinking. 

To start, I would like to state that I am their only child together. My parents met in their youth. My dad was a present father then and my mom had not yet become an addict. My mother suffered the loss of her father at the age of 23. She began to cope with the use of drugs. My father was born into drinking, his father drown in a puddle while drunk.

The day my mom died I was at work. My grandma came in, I used to daydream about my family coming in to surprise me and see me. This was not one of the good surprises. I knew something was wrong immediately. I asked, “is someone dead?” She said, “yes, go ask to leave.” Anxiety. 
I asked, “my mom?” She just responded with “how did you know?”. It was a gut feeling. I was feeling down the whole day without reason, this was my reason. She died alone in a house that wasn’t hers because someone sold her heroin laced with fentanyl. Nasty drug.

i talked to my dad for the last time on the day my mom died. He cried to me for an hour and was telling me many things about her and their love story. (Spoiler: he knew he was dying and had not told anyone in the family, including myself.)

I didn’t really wanna hear him crying, I wanted my dad to let me cry. I see now that he was processing his death as well as hers and how he was leaving me without either of them. He must have felt guilt. It’s understandable.

the day I found out he died (two months later than her) my uncle called me. He said, “are you sitting down?” I said, “did my dad die?” He said, “how did you do that?” I just thought to myself that I felt the same on the day my mom died. I felt gloomy and sad. 

my mother was the most supportive and accepting person I ever met. My father was an asshole who was loveable and Very hardworking. They talked to each other all the time even though they had not been together since I was a toddler. (I’m 22 now. My birthday is February 7,  Making 21 at the time of their deaths.) 

I want to say more but my brain is working too fast for my fingers to type. There’s too much

that’s that. They’re both dead now.

 

thanks again. 
 

I’m struggling to cope and need advice that is not cliche.

 

[Traz]

Dear mariah.juliette

I can't imagine losing my parents at such a young age and to the circumstances that you spoke of. My heart goes out to you. Addiction and substance abuse has been a feature in my family as well and I have seen it's devastating effects up close and personal. 

When that addiction ends up robbing a young person of their parents, that is absolutely tragic. My daughter's boyfriend lost his only parent (father took off when he was born) to alcoholism. He had a rough life and he and his mom were homeless at points. He described their relationship to me and the love between them was apparent. She was his mom, despite the addiction and bad choices along the way. It took him a long time to process and come to terms with her death, but he is doing okay. He graduated University and wants to help people with addictions. 

 I realize that your circumstances are different and that you lost both parents within such a short time. I'm so sorry, but the next part is cliched, when I tell you that it will take time to come to terms with your loss. There are so many things you might go through at once, anger, fear, profound sadness with the memories, depression. 

You express yourself very well and I wonder if you journal? My journals have been integral to my grief process. I write one specifically to my mom. Like I'm writing her a letter. It has helped me process some anger and things that we never got to discuss. Maybe this could be a step toward learning how to cope with your grief. 

There are lots of people going through what you have experienced and are a good support system. 

Also, do you have any step-siblings or other family connections that would help you feel not so alone? 

I hope you find some measure of comfort soon. Grieving is so hard.

[Kylie Dene]

Mariah Juliette,

I am really sorry for your loss. Two parents… in such a short amount of time… I can’t imagine.

I don’t have any advice for you. Because grief is different for everyone. All I have is my experience of losing my mom to addiction, which I hope will give you some strength and hope.

My mom was so amazing. A real hands on and adventurous parent. She didn’t start drinking until I was 14. I am so grateful for those years I had with her when she was present and sound of mind. Once she started drinking I started the grief process, without even realizing it. Anger, denial, guilt, shame, sadness, acceptance… these were all emotions that I would cycle through. I never stayed in a place of acceptance about her drinking, I only got small opportunities to breath that fresh air.

Fast forward and I am 35 years old. My mom has died from alcoholic ketoacidosis. I have known for years that this was coming, but the anticipation of her death did nothing to dull the pain. The worst part is, someone seen how sick she was and offered to take her to the hospital. If she went to the hospital she would have survived. But she was so afraid of being separated from alcohol, afraid of being judged, and afraid of everything at that point that she stayed in her dingy trailer to suffer alone until death took her. 

So what got me through one of the darkest periods of my life? A complicated web of support, coping tools, and willingness to accept where I was at. 
 

Meditation. In the earliest days guided meditation helped me. For that short period of time it took me out of my head. I was able to focus on the moment. I was able to practice acceptance of my pain and my sadness, rather than try to change it. I was where I needed to be at that exact moment.

Gratitude lists. Someone suggested this to me. I thought it was dumb, but I did it anyways. Everyday I wrote down 3 things I was grateful for. Over time, I had a huge list of things that made my life beautiful despite the huge loss. This helped me keep perspective on how life is beautiful no matter  what. 

Strong connections. In my grief the last thing I wanted to do was be around people. When I hurt I want to isolate. I always have. But certain people in my life would check in on me no matter what. When I could I would spend time with them and talk with them. As my favourite author Neil Gaiman once said “a pain shared, my brother, is pain not doubled, but halved.”  As we mutually shared our grief it became less of a burden to carry. I can’t describe how this process worked except that was almost like magic.

Unconventional things. I did what others would think weird, because it helped me. I wore some of my moms ashes around my neck for a year before placing her ashes in her ashes in her favourite lake. I spoke to her regularly, both out loud and in my head. I looked for signs of her presence. I didn’t share these things with everyone, because not everyone is entitled to my story and I knew some people would judge. But my grief was my journey. It was a road I walked alone.

Asking and receiving help. From friends, from family, from your doctor, from support groups. I needed many things during that time of my life, I needed a wide and varied group of people that were able to give me what I needed. The doctor was there for medication support. The friends for emotional support. The family for emotional and practical support as I planned her celebration of life and took care of her affairs. Support groups for finding connections with people in a similar place as me. 

 

I really hope my experience can help you in some way. I thank you for sharing your grief. I know you will navigate your journey with grief the best way for you.  Trust in the process as the pain is temporary but necessary. Sending you lots of love and healing.