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[KG21]

I had only been dating my boyfriend for 5 months, but he was found dead last week, and I’m finding it impossible to do anything. It seems almost impossible to put into words. It’s almost hard to believe. I’ve never lost someone so close. We did everything together, and he showed me what love should be like.  It was so sudden, and I fell to my knees when I got the call. I know we were only dating a short time, but we had plans to get married and live a beautiful life together. He had even called my family just days before to ask if he could marry me. We were leaving on vacation in just three days. I just am feeling so helpless and hopeless. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat and everything reminds me of him. I just feel so heartbroken and robbed of a beautiful life together. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry!  Wow.  Any idea of what happened?  My heart goes out to you, you must be in shock.  I welcome you here and hope you'll continue to read and post, it helps to know others understand and get it and this is a very caring site.  

Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream
 

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

 

[Gail 8588]

@KG21 I am so sorry for your loss.  When you find your soulmate, time doesn't really matter, you belong together. Your hearts know it.  To lose that person is devastating.

I am so sorry for your loss.  You should have had a lifetime together.  Friends and family may have trouble understanding the depth of your grief.  We get it here, our lives have been shattered too. 

I hope you will come here to post or read whenever you feel the need.  It helps to know you are not alone on this terrible journey.  

Gail

[KG21]

Thank you so much! <3

@KayC Unfortunately, no. An autopsy is being done, but they said we probably won’t know for 4-8 weeks. Thank you for all the great information. 

[Tami M]

So sorry for your loss.  I pray you get better autopsy results than we did.  We waited 12 weeks and all they told us was my husband died of Covid (which we already knew)  Just don't get your hopes up for answers.  I was beyond frustrated.  

This site is wonderful and really does help thorough an unbearable situation.  We are all here for each other.  Someone will post and you can recognize yourself in the post.  Relate to others and know your not alone.  

Sending lots of hugs your way.

[Bill V]

@KG21 I’m so sorry for your loss, when it is so sudden it has be much worse on you I remember those days after my loss I though I was going to die. This is a great forum don’t be afraid to post anything you want you won’t be judged here. Also read other posts that helped me a lot knowing others have felt the same as me.