Advice on how to handle others also grieving

[DMB]

Hi.  Been a little while.  I've been doing OK.  It's been about 21 months since losing my husband.  I've gotten used to some things, like having less laundry, dishes, chores, and having the bed all to myself.  I just recently started sleeping in there after the kids bought me a new mattress for Christmas.  I suppose getting rid of some things and/or replacing them made it easier for me to go back in the bedroom.

Anyway, I have a good friend who lost her spouse to covid 2 days before Thanksgiving.  Needless to say, she is almost inconsolable.  I remember what it feels like in the beginning and while I want to be there for her, I do not wish to propel myself back into that level of grief.  When I see or talk to her it sometimes puts me there.  I have found myself sobbing and crying afterwards.  We have dinner plans (with others) on Friday and I am hoping I can catch a little break from her afterwards.  Once a week or every other day is a little much for me. I don't feel right setting a boundary on something like this.   How do I be a good friend and take care of myself at the same time?

 

[Tami M]

I have no advice.  I just understand.  I have a hard hard time with setting a boundary with anything.  I would just say take care of yourself first.. but I can't do that either.

[KMkm]

I don't have advice but for me I ask people if they want to know what I am going through and I honestly tell them about every aspect.  I haven't had to deal with anyone other than my wife's family.  I listen and relate but my grief is very overwhelming to sink any further.  When your friend talks about how hard it is csn you share your experience on how you dealt with it and maybe instead of reliving the time just think about how far you have come.  I don't want to say that you should try but just think about your state of mind now versus the early days.  I hope in my case I can use my experience to help others.  Grief is the worst feeling I have ever experienced and being able to share with others that have gone through it has helped.  I can only give you an example that I tell people.  I lost my wife and when I did it felt like a huge weight was put on my back but when I tell people honestly how sad I am it's like I take off some weight and give it to them to carry for a while til they can put it down somewhere.  And when someone else has grief and tells me how they are then they give me some weight to put back on.  But for me the weight they try to give me and the weight I try to give them somehow cancel out and we drop it on the ground together.  It might be different for others but that's how I feel.  Does crying make you feel better after?  I crouch on the ground to cry a lot and after a while I get back up and continue on but with a sense of relief.  I hope I didn't say anything to offend as it was never my intention.  Hopefully you get some great advice that helps.  I pray that we all make it through to the next day.  

[foreverhis]

On 2/17/2022 at 10:23 AM, DMB said:

I don't feel right setting a boundary on something like this.   How do I be a good friend and take care of myself at the same time?

While I haven't been in your situation yet, I'm sure I will down the road.  IMO, honesty is the only way to be a good friend.  Explain to her exactly what you explained here, using the kindest, most caring words possible.  You won't be able to be there for her if you don't take care of yourself.  There's only so much emotional (and physical) energy we have to give. 

Perhaps you could tell her that you want to be there fully for her when you spend time together, which is why you must set aside time for yourself.  Then when you are with her, you may be stronger and able to prevent yourself from falling and returning to the beginning so often.  I think I would probably feel that way too.  I've come too far to go backwards over and over.

Only you can decide how much you have to give while you are still grieving yourself.  IMO again, it's important to prioritize your own well being.  Being set back like that is not a good thing for you.  Be supportive when and as you can without putting your own health at risk.

[DMB]

Thank you for the responses.  I woke up feeling mighty selfish, but yet better since this is a space I could let out this feeling.  I am looking forward to dinner tonight and then making plans for our next get together, catching that break in between to re-charge to be there for her.  Last week we found each other in the cemetery at the same time! I had a little heart I put on husbands grave and seems she has been visiting her husband frequently as well.  I have shared with her how it helped to keep busy and to be around family and friends as much as possible.  She does have many which is good.  She was one of my bridesmaids.  I think maybe I was just overly emotional since we just had Valentine's.  I am sure as more time passes for her it hopefully starts to get a little better.  Thanks again.  Should I get overwhelmed with grief I will be honest.

[KayC]

Honestly, I don't think in the 16 1/2 years since losing my husband I've heard this question before, but it's a very legitimate question!!!  Your number one priority is to yourself and your own grief, to be quite honest.  If that feels selfish, well it's important to first look after yourself.  As Robin McGraw says, it's important to FIRST take care of ourselves or we're no good to anyone else..  I have to agree.  I learned that lesson when I was 23.  It still seems legitimate advice.  

I know it's hard for her, it's hard for you also.  Perhaps she can reach out some of the time to someone who is attentive but isn't in as fresh grief as yourself.  Two years is still very fresh.  

I just went back and read other's response...yes.  

[Jeffh]

I just want people to treat me like a normal human being. I am emotional enough. A little bit of normalcy has been very helpful. I hope I helped a little