Broken

[Wired]

I lost the girl I fell head over heels in love with about a month ago. She was married but they were basically just room mates in the same house. They hadn't been on a date or celebrated an anniversary in 15 years, they were barely ever intimate. He was controlling, angry and manipulative and believed that she didn't even need friends. We were friends for a long time but over the past two years I've fallen so madly in love with her. I was in a toxic relationship for 15 years myself but left a little over a year ago. Since leaving, her and I began getting closer and became intimate both physically and emotionally. A week before her passing he asked her about us and she confirmed it. I was helping her to make plans to get out but none of them were immediate plans, unfortunately she didn't get out before he murdered her.

I'm struggling with a lot of regret and guilt in that I didn't tell her to just leave sooner. There were signs that morning that he was having a psychotic break and I just said to please get her and the kids out if she felt scared. Instead of what I was actually thinking which was to get the hell out of the house and call 911. I'm having a real hard time letting this go since I had originally typed this message up and deleted it.

I can't even be happy about having my own divorce papers to sign right now for a marriage I desperately needed to get out of myself. Food is bland because its something we talked about and would try new things of all the time.

I hate that I can't even be open about what I really lost in this because even though she wasn’t with him emotionally she was with him legally and in most everyone outsides eyes. I feel like talking about her is tarnishing her image and a lot of people just don’t understand so I have to publicly mourn as her friend instead of as someone that felt like they had a future with. I'm struggling to let go of the future hopes and dreams, I'm struggling to let go of my guilt and regret, hell I never even told her I loved her. I know she knew I loved her, but I never used the words. I was close several times but didn't let the words come out. I have images of what happened to her constantly in my head, trying to come up with scenarios where she gets out of the house. I keep going back to all of the things I should of done to help her with a better plan, I should of helped her that morning, I wasn't there the way she needed me to be there that morning.

I feel like I have a giant void in my chest every day and I can't be as open about it as I would like, I have a couple people I can talk to but don't want to overshare with them since they are also mutual friends with my ex. It's exhausting having to pick and choose what feelings to talk about with what person. I miss her so much, I crave the cuddling, I crave the hand holding, I crave seeing the smile.

I'm doing what I can to remember all of the good times, but its just too much at times.

I'm annoyed when people tell me there is nothing I could of done to help her, that I couldn't possibly know something was going to happen. I'm annoyed when people tell me it may not of changed the outcome if I would of trusted my instincts. 

[Roxeanne]

Dear Wired i'm terrified of what happened to your love and you...it's a tragedy!

I know you are desperate and with all the reasons...it's so unfair that you and your girlfriend after such sufferences in your life, had been denied the happiness of live together 

I'm so so sorry and i have no words...be gentle with yourself, take care 

A warm hug

[Wired]

45 minutes ago, Roxeanne said:

Dear Wired i'm terrified of what happened to your love and you...it's a tragedy!

I know you are desperate and with all the reasons...it's so unfair that you and your girlfriend after such sufferences in your life, had been denied the happiness of live together 

I'm so so sorry and i have no words...be gentle with yourself, take care 

A warm hug

I wish I could bring myself to even call her my girlfriend, its part of my struggle for why I can't even be happy about having my divorce papers to sign. I told myself when I got them I would try to ask her to be something more formal. I struggle with how to talk about her with people for this and many other reasons. I feel like giving her a label she didn't consent to is not properly honoring her but at the same time how to let people know what she was to me. Especially in the future when I do start trying to find someone even close to what I felt for her. 

Thank you for the warm hug

[Tami M]

I am sorry for your loss.  One step at a time is my only advice. Thoughts and prayers.

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, Wired said:

I wish I could bring myself to even call her my girlfriend, its part of my struggle for why I can't even be happy about having my divorce papers to sign. I told myself when I got them I would try to ask her to be something more formal. I struggle with how to talk about her with people for this and many other reasons.

What you are experiencing is disenfranchised grief.  It's pretty much as the name implies.  You are unable to grieve publicly in the way that you feel because the world doesn't know the full story.  As I understand it, this adds another layer of difficulty to deep grief because you feel you must hold it inside and don't have the ability to fully express it to others.  Mind you, I'm not a therapist or any sort of medical professional, it's just that we've had other members experiencing similar situations and many have talked about it.

I want to address one other thing and maybe ease your mind for when you are here.  We do not care so much about titles, legal documents, or the like.  Yes, we do talk about our own relationships and naturally, those things do come up in conversation.  But--and I really mean this 100%--for us, what matters most is the relationship itself.  You found the love of your life; circumstances for both of you were very difficult; you did not have a chance to live a life together.  What happened is beyond tragic. 

The thing is that whether we were together for decades, as my husband and I were lucky enough to have, or a very short time, as it is for you and others, the love, connection, and depth of feeling are the most important.  While I can't say my husband and I had "love at first sight" because we were friends first, we did have an immediate spark.  A couple of years on when we went on our first date that was it.  We just knew and we were never separated from that day forward until death took him from us.  I would have had a different experience had he died, say, 34 years before he did.  My life would have been "less" than it was, but my pain would have been the same.  Once we know we've found "the one," our true love, the thread of love binds us forever.

Please don't feel that the legal state of your relationships make us think your love was less than anyone else's.  You are welcome here, though I wish none of us had any reason to be here at all.

[KMkm]

Your grief is the evidence of the love you shared.  Likely others will say the same.  Maybe just talk to the people around you of how great a person she was.  Or how you really cared about her.  Talk to a counselor and share your feelings cause they won't judge you just like everyone on here won't.  All people care about is helping you with grieving cause it's a difficult process.  Say what you need to and be honest with yourself and try not to hold things back or your mind will keep contemplating the unknown.  I hope that you start to feel better.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  It sounds like your family/friends are aware, but even so, some won't be and it's hard to grieve openly when the OP was married, so I'm posting these links in case that might be the case.  I knew of another who went through this and couldn't attend the funeral because of it, she had a very hard time with it.  I hope you will continue to come here and read/post, it helps. 
Disenfranchised Grief: Hidden Sorrow
Disenfranchised Grief: 22 Examples, Signs, and Tips
Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning An Invisible Love
Disenfranchised Grief: When Grief and Grievers Are Unrecognized - SocialWorker.com
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/01/surviving-partners-homicide.html

 

his is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[KayC]

1 hour ago, KMkm said:

Your grief is the evidence of the love you shared. 

Exactly!  Try not to worry about what label you call/don't call it, you know in your heart what she was to you, go with that.   Likely she felt the same way.

[Wired]

i'm really struggling today with not being able to pick up my phone to message her and getting a response. I wish there was a way to go back in time and change it.

[KayC]

(((hugs)))  We understand....

[foreverhis]

On 3/3/2022 at 9:37 AM, Wired said:

i'm really struggling today with not being able to pick up my phone to message her and getting a response. I wish there was a way to go back in time and change it.

We truly do understand because we've all been there, some of us are there now.  We struggle with the reality in front of us and don't want to accept what we have lost. 

I'm sure it's all that much harder for you because you can't really grieve openly.  Please keep coming here to talk about it.  We are here for you.

[GoldenRose]

On 3/4/2022 at 6:34 PM, foreverhis said:

We struggle with the reality in front of us and don't want to accept what we have lost. 

You can say that again! I pick up my phone to text my husband or look over my shoulder to talk to him multiple times a day! Talk about a gut wrenching feeling when reality hits you! What I do is tell the people around me "If my husband was here, I would have told him this - " and then sometimes my friends and I take turns guessing what he would have responded. I like keeping him alive through conversations, helps me feel as though his memory lives on.

[Wired]

just realized I'm not going to have anyone next week for my work trip to let them know I made it and to share the little bits of day to day activities from the trip.. that's gonna be a harder couple days then I realized. I'm looking forward to the time away somewhere different but I'm definitely gonna feel alone.

[KG21]

@Wired Missing your person is the hardest thing. I go to text Ronnie a hundred times a day. Please reach out to us and tell us about your trip. We are all listening. 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Wired said:

just realized I'm not going to have anyone next week for my work trip to let them know I made it and to share the little bits of day to day activities from the trip

That hit me back in that early time too, no one to check on me, leave the garage light on, no one that basically cared, not like our spouse does.  Not in an interactive daily way.

In time I got more used to being alone, no longer expecting these things relieved some of the trigger for me, but never did I want this or expect this for my life...growing old alone.

[GoldenRose]

I have found that sometimes the small things hit the hardest.

[KayC]

It's weird how the ordinary unexpected triggers can slam us!  A year after George died, I took my auto in for servicing, and rode their shuttle back to work...I'm on a crowded van of people and it suddenly occurred to me that George had ridden this same van!  I started bawling, all the way across town to my job.  It got really quiet in there, I'm sure they thought me unhinged!

Getting groceries was also a huge trigger as we always did that together and I kept seeing things I wanted to make for him...and couldn't.