Overwhelmed by loss.

[Mjj]

I'm not sure why I'm here posting except I feel stuck and I'm not sure what to do.  I considering going to a support group but I'm not even sure what I would say and I'm afraid I couldnt handle the weight of an entire groups grief on top of my own.  But the weight of what i have feels too much.  These are the main losses, the ones i call the stuck ones.  I've been thinking of trying EMDR therapy as I'm not sure what else to do.

My father died tragically of cancer at age 25.  I was almost 3 my brother was almost 2.  The chemo was so aggressive, I've seen some pics, I'm pretty sure the treatment killed him. My mother really doesnt speak of it.  That happened about 40 years ago.

My brother was killed in a motorcycle crash.  That was 15 years ago.

My best friend lost her battle with cancer.  That was 2 years ago. 

I've been told you can grieve things that arent death too.  Like the loss of your church community (this year), your only co-worker quitting so you work alone now (last year), and your daughter growing up and pushing herself away from you and into the arms of someone new.  I pray for them that they will treat each other well but it maked me worry and I miss her (current).

Thanks for reading.  Maybe some dialogue will help.  Hopefully. 

[KMkm]

I am sorry that tragedy and grief has been a part of your life for so long.  Talking to others helps on here or whoever will sit down and listen.  You might try a group cause I find grief in others helps cause they know what grief feels like.  I cry a lot which helps relieve emotional stress.  Don't try and hold it in cause it can sometimes make things worse.  I hope that you find something that helps, you have experienced a lot and you are stronger because of it.  I lost my wife to cancer about 2 months ago and I am struggling to get through each day.  I try to find something to look forward to like a certain food, activity, or even a movie.  I have two kids under 10 which helps but it also scares me to think about raising them alone and what to expect.  I read your post and I can't imagine what it must feel like to raise kids and have them push you away.  I'm sorry that you have to deal with that too. But you raised her right and she is independently trying to find her way.  I was like that and pushed away everyone who loved me and cared.  I was 26 when I came around after meeting my wife and she taught me that I should embrace my family and live life cause you never know what will happen.  Please post and read as much as you need.  Hopefully something I said or someone says will help you.  

[Mjj]

Hi Kmkm,

Thank you for your kind reply.  I'm terribly sorry for your loss.  Crying does help and I'm learning to embrace that aspect of grieving. Also trying to unlearn the habit of holding it in. I like what you said about trying to find something to look forward to each day.  I pray somehow you will find the strength you need to raise those little ones.  It can be a help to have someone who needs you to push thru on harder days.  

Sending support to you.

 

[KMkm]

I won't lie my day is spent  between missing my wife and wanting to be with her.  I hate almost every second of the day.  People tell me that at least the kids go to school so you can have a break.  Or ask for help.  I keep telling people that the kids give me someone to talk to and keep my mind busy sometimes.  Having no one in the house and the silence is awful.  Believe that if you can only get through the day then you find yourself embracing tomorrow.  Then you will have beaten time.  Time is always the deciding factor of how you will succeed.  It heals and it leads us to the other side.  If you have a favorite drink, show, food, snack, movie...anything.  Just give yourself a treat everyday that can help you get through some tough days.  Don't get me wrong I have a really tough time finding anything cause grief has numbed my brain which I don't feel happiness or joy.  But find anything that you want to live for and hold on cause this journey is a long one and you need to live it til the end.  There are no shortcuts and you have to sometimes endure grief, loss, sadness, and loneliness.  When it's your turn to enter the other side you can ask your loved ones " How did I do?"  And tell them that you never gave up no matter how hard it was.  I will love life again for myself and for my wife and kids.  I hope I can help by just posting things.

[Mjj]

You are showing great strength of character by the ideas you post.  It is very encouraging to read.  Right now my depression is pretty difficult to reach for those things.  I'm clinging just to hang on but I'm sure the sun will come back shining again hopefully soon.  I feel like a walking zombie sometimes.  Doing without feeling.  Because I should not not because I want to.

[Luminescense]

I'm sorry to hear of your losses - it's never easy to lose someone or something.

You sound like you have great ideas of joining a group and therapies to pursue. For some people, this offers a great deal of relief. Being in a support group, I can understand your concern, about feeling the weight of other's on top of your own - especially if you're an empathetic individual. Although, some groups perhaps might feel more comforting than others - depending how the group is run, how interactive it is, etc. I do hope that you can find one that will help you greatly. It can help a lot to have someone to talk to that is going through similar losses because they totally get it.

Hoping that you find a great support group and therapies that help you =)

[DaniKay]

Hi Mjj. . .I wanted to first express my condolences for your losses.  I too lost my mother to cancer when I was 27, my father in the 9/11 terrorist attack when I was 17, and my brother recently to addiction 2 years ago.  I can't saying healing is easy or that sadness goes away, it doesn't but how we cope with it changes as we heal.  I'm currently a graduate student in mental health (almost done!) and I also have been attending therapy for over a year now.  It took a lot of internal work and I had to really soul search but my therapist is truly an angel when it comes to severe trauma.  I do IFS work (Internal family systems) which is about the connection to our true selves and healing the "parts" of us that need love and assurance.  There is a great book if you are interested called "The Body Keeps the Score." It is great for anyone who experienced trauma or has PTSD.  I was diagnosed with PTSD as well.  I also encourage though its not for all, psychedelic therapy tools.  MDMA therapy is something to look into for healing PTSD and is well worth it.  I'm to a believer in Pharma (unless needed) as a bandaid to our problems.  I want you to know that I support you in your healing and of you need someone to talk to there are aa bunch of people here who can relate!  Please don't feel alone and know your are a survivor.  Believe in yourself and the guidance you receive from whatever you believe in.  Facing the trauma again is what ultimately will heal yet some traumas are so ingrained and so buried it takes a lot of therapy, meditation, journaling, and possibly a psychedelic experience that takes you deep into your unconscious.Please be well. 😃