I lost 16 people before my 19th birthday

[pompom64]

I would like to stay annonymous but I know that my story is so unique and specific if anyone who knows me reads it I will be immediately recognized. 

I learned at a very young age that death is the only promised thing in life. By the time I was ten, I already had lost my uncle and my great grandmother. In middle school went another three uncles and a classmate of mine. By my junior year of high school a beloved teacher also joined the list. Then all hell broke loose in 2020. My aunt was first and was a total surprise. Then my moms step-mom, who I didn't know very well. and then her actual mom, followed by my dad's mom only three days later. And that seemed to be the last of it after two months went by with no news. However then another classmate along with my grandfather and cousin both passed before the end of the year. Finally, just a few weeks ago, I lost another aunt. 

Honestly most of the people I had little connection to and would not have been affected if it were an isolated incident, but when 7 people who's only connection with each other is you die in the span of 8 months, it takes a toll. You feel targeted. I never had faith in any god; but if I ever did I sure as s*** would have lost it by now. As I look back I realize I was never given the time to grieve any one of them properly. And each time there is a new death, even someone I've never met, it brings back every single other death as well as feelings of grief for people who are still in my life. 

I've always had an anxiety disorder and I have always been afraid of the people close to me dying suddenly and unexpectedly, but now I feel like I've been given a promise that that is exactly what is going to happen and I will always be the last one to know. (oh yeah forgot to mention I learned about my grandfather's death on facebook a week after the fact and was the last one to know about everyone else dying). I am constantly worried about who will be next. I am scared to love someone too much or wish that they will stay in my life because I fear I will jinx it and they'll be dead the next day. If I forget to say I love you or think about hugging someone then deciding not to I immediately feel regret as if that would have been my last chance to see them again. And when you lose so many people that your grief councilor is taken aback, its hard to combat that fear. 

I am happy to have found this website so I can share my thoughts about each and every person without overwhelming my listener or taking over the conversation in a group. I will definitely be posting more in the future about my individual loved ones. 

 

[Mjj]

4 hours ago, pompom64 said:

I would like to stay annonymous but I know that my story is so unique and specific if anyone who knows me reads it I will be immediately recognized. 

I learned at a very young age that death is the only promised thing in life. By the time I was ten, I already had lost my uncle and my great grandmother. In middle school went another three uncles and a classmate of mine. By my junior year of high school a beloved teacher also joined the list. Then all hell broke loose in 2020. My aunt was first and was a total surprise. Then my moms step-mom, who I didn't know very well. and then her actual mom, followed by my dad's mom only three days later. And that seemed to be the last of it after two months went by with no news. However then another classmate along with my grandfather and cousin both passed before the end of the year. Finally, just a few weeks ago, I lost another aunt. 

Honestly most of the people I had little connection to and would not have been affected if it were an isolated incident, but when 7 people who's only connection with each other is you die in the span of 8 months, it takes a toll. You feel targeted. I never had faith in any god; but if I ever did I sure as s*** would have lost it by now. As I look back I realize I was never given the time to grieve any one of them properly. And each time there is a new death, even someone I've never met, it brings back every single other death as well as feelings of grief for people who are still in my life. 

I've always had an anxiety disorder and I have always been afraid of the people close to me dying suddenly and unexpectedly, but now I feel like I've been given a promise that that is exactly what is going to happen and I will always be the last one to know. (oh yeah forgot to mention I learned about my grandfather's death on facebook a week after the fact and was the last one to know about everyone else dying). I am constantly worried about who will be next. I am scared to love someone too much or wish that they will stay in my life because I fear I will jinx it and they'll be dead the next day. If I forget to say I love you or think about hugging someone then deciding not to I immediately feel regret as if that would have been my last chance to see them again. And when you lose so many people that your grief councilor is taken aback, its hard to combat that fear. 

I am happy to have found this website so I can share my thoughts about each and every person without overwhelming my listener or taking over the conversation in a group. I will definitely be posting more in the future about my individual loved ones. 

 

Hi Pompom,

 

I relate to what you said.  Specifically having so many losses it's hard to know where to start.  Feeling like death is stalking you personally.  Fear of who might be next.  Small grief left unattended pops up with each new grief making the mountain grow.  I'm sorry you have had so many losses.  I have no wise words as I'm feeling a bit lost myself.  I just wanted to say I read and understood the words you wrote.  I also hope to find some relief while not overwhelming anyone with the amount of people lost.  I guess my goal is to be able to process what I have so as people continue to die, since that is a part of life, I'm not continually feeling traumatized.  

[Luminescense]

I'm sorry to hear that you've had so many losses in such a short amount of time. It's never an easy thing and it takes a lot of time to grieve each time. In life, some of us seem to have a lot more losses than others. Why that is, I cannot say. It doesn't usually feel fair. Take it a day at a time, keep yourself taken care of, and it's okay to take baby steps to get from one day to the next and allowing yourself some grace.