Very angry at my dad for dying... Can anyone help me?

[KittyKatt]

Hello there, maybe y'all could give me some advice... I know it's 3 years later but I'm still very angry and would like to share my story and maybe find some help or closure...

My dad died November 11,2018... I was 16 years old and didn't have a care in the world until that day... my life changed forever that day... 

My life changed forever that day and everyday after that.... a few weeks after my dad's death my aunt and uncle drained my dad's bank accounts that were spouse to go to me and my sister. (my dad had money) nobody knew they were doing this until they called my mother asking where the 10k went that was in my dad's safety deposit box, my mother explained that my dad took it out to buy me a car before he had passed. My mother was confused as my sister had the key to the box and why they would be trying to take out that much money without my permission as it went to both me and my sister. My aunt and uncle took my sister to a lawyer and tricked my sister to sign over the apartment building to them...  they told the lawyer that I didn't exist and that my sister was an only child. My mother then hired a lawyer to get me and my sister apartment building back and the judge gave everything to my mother until I was 18. I forgave my sister, we cut contact with our dad side of the family. Fast forward a year when I was 17 i was very angry that my dad left me, I started acting out stealing my moms car and spending thousands of dollars, I also was having sexual relationships with random guys because I thought it could fill the empty void inside of me or make me happy, I knew something wasn't right with me, I knew it started when my dad died.... I told my mom that I wasn't okay and she had me evaluated by my doctor. That is when I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, I have schizophrenia on both sides of my family, but I was told that mine was most likely triggered by my dad's traumatic death. After my dad's death I stopped chatting and hanging out with my friends, I just left everyone and became a loner.... like to this day I have no friends nor do I go out of the house much, I just like to sleep in my room and hate my life mostly. I have had very bad depression where I sleep for days and don't come out of my room. currently I don't work nor go to school. I just sit home and I became angrier every day where I have massive explosions from throwing things to fighting, I just stopped caring and being happy after he died I lost myself and all I know is this anger inside of me I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried to get help plenty of time, I cannot afford help because I've got my self and my family into debit, my Insurance will cover some of it, but the places I've called are all full or can't help due to covid... I've tried to also get counsling but nobody is accepting patiences so I'm super lost right now...

I also have some other issue to deal with like abuse, can't be loved or love someone else, no social life... if you can't help with this but can help with one of these let me know! I'm open to anything.

[reader]

Dear KittyKatt,

I’m so sorry for your loss and for the deep pain and sorrow that you are still feeling about your father. It was horrible what your aunt and uncle did regarding the money. Instead of being greedy they should’ve looked out for you and your sister properly.

At 16 years old you’re extremely vulnerable and already going through so much as a teenager. I know it’s difficult sometimes to know what to do and how to feel better.

I know I also felt extremely angry after my father passed away and even five years on I still struggle with what happened. Please know there’s no right way or wrong way to grieve. I found the most support online at this website and at others.

Grief in common

Grief healing blog

What’s your grief

Grief share

Please know there are good and kind people out there that truly want to help you. Maybe try giving grief counselling another try or joining a support group in the community or through church. There are also some Facebook groups that might be helpful.

Keep taking it day by day. Even doing the little things like getting up and having a hot shower and going for a walk can be helpful. Writing in a journal. 

I hope you can find the support and understanding and love that you deserve.

[Traz]

Dear Kittykat,

I am truly sorry about everything you're experiencing and for the loss of your Dad.  I think there's a more affordable therapy option online called Better Help, but a psychiatrist might be the best option, if it is at all possible. They are experts regarding schizophrenia and other complex mental health issues. YouTube is also another resource - there are many people out there who have channels about Living Well with Schizophrenia. They might even discuss how they handle grief in their own lives.

Keep talking with your mom and keep the lines of communication going. You are hurting. 

Thinking of you xo

[s.love7]

 

I'm not much older than you and I lost my dad fall of 2020. My ex/ best friend passed July of last year. He was really my only friend and I still hadn't healed from my dad passing. I'm not in school or working and have basically no friends. It's weird and shitty and hard to crawl out of. I do plan on starting off with a part time job. I've forced myself to eat a little healthier. One thing that's happened is I usually feel better after I sleep. Idk if my head heals itself or its the lack of awareness when I wake. Maybe not much help but to know u aren't the only one hopefully helps