Recently lost my partner of 29 years

[Laura Vence]

I am new to this group and I'm not sure how everything works. I filled out my profile information and not sure how that is shared, so I am making it my first post. As you know, it is already hard enough to write once about losing one's family members: 

 

I lost my husband in October 2021 after long illness of heart disease, which accelerated with liver disease the last six months of his life. He died at our home under Hospice and my care in Woodstock, NY. He was still a French citizen, and we have maintained small homes in the south of France, so I have come to this small studio in France, that my husband many years ago inherited from family, and gave us such joy to share together. Working as professors in New York City, we maintained his rent-stabilized apartment there--I am still trying to get the lease--although Woodstock is what we came to consider "real home," and that we put so much love and work into for over two decades together. 

So while my permanent address is in NYC and Woodstock, and I am an American citizen, I have taken time off work to grieve and am spending the winter and early spring here in Vence, France. (Hence, my name here as Laura "Vence.")  

I've been looking for a support group via Zoom, but Hospice of Hudson Valley turned me away because I am currently outside the U.S.  I am very lonely, without read friends here (my husband's French friends and family do not really reach out, although I have tried with them.) I share all the concerns and episodes I am reading about in these posts on the loss of a partner. I look forward to being part of this healing-grief group on line.

I do have a weekly therapist (by phone from the States). But I also need group support. I feel very lonely and traumatized by everything that happened to me this past year, including taking care of my husband through the US medical system with little or no help, although one of his adult sons did "try" (but I was put down by that family in the process). I felt during this time in which I had to be such a "hero" that there was very little compassion offered me as "caretaker." I do not think this is untypical. I did my bests to protect myself during this awful time, when he was in and out of hospitals, nursing home rehab, back home only for me to have to call the EMS over and start the cycle again. His medical care, per the US system, was so exhausting and time consuming, I found had to give up my own creative work as a writer during this period. While I longed to do my creative work,  I now have very little motivation to create or do anything. I often feel lost, although I keep trying to "be" in the world, and just take care of myself. 

 

11 years ago, I also lost my only child, my deeply beloved and close adult son, at 32 in his sleep (also due to heart disease, undiagnosed, although he wasn't blood related to my husband, who he adored as if a father). I wrote a book about my husband's death (poetry with dance), and I have processed so much grief. This time, with this loss, so far, I just feel "dead" inside. My husband helped me through this period, and grieved along with me the death of my (our) son, especially as we took many spiritual journeys together to "sacred sites," mostly during our times together in Europe. Now I have no one. I wasn't perfect. He had a major heart attack 18 years ago and then a major stroke 12 years ago (just before my son suddenly died--just one year later). The husband I married 20+ years ago had undergone many physical and mental changes. However, I knew he loved me--what others talk about here--that one and only person who really knew and greatly loved me for who I am.

So I think the loss of my husband is compounded by the loss of BOTH men I called "my family."  My family of origin is not there for me in the slightest. There is something wrong with them, in their hearts.  my friends are "many" and yet not "there" in significant ways either. I feel alone and bereft.  I am a very brave woman, travel and do many things alone always. But right now I feel quite spent and even sometimes fearful. Thank you for reading. 

[KMkm]

I am sorry that you have had to endure such loss.  I lost my wife last December and it has been tough.  I find a lot of comfort through her friends.  I hope you can find a support group or system.  Seek out grief groups or people to talk to.  Posting and reading on here helps.  Things will be tough for a while but you just have to take one day at a time.  Try to keep busy throughout the day but don't forget to grieve cause you can't push it aside all the time.  It will get easier if you find amal things to enjoy about life.  Post questions and seek answers.  I hope that you can find happiness again.

[Sparky1]

@Laura Vence I want to offer you my deepest sympathies on the loss of your son and husband. I lost my wife almost 16 months ago and it has been a tough journey to navigate, especially like you say with little support from family and friends. I do talk to my sister every evening, and that helps a bit. We console each other as she's going through a lot of turmoil with her husband. People that my wife and I knew very well just seemed to crawl back in their own cracks. Posting here will help you let out some emotions, we all understand and don't judge because our circumstances are different yet have a similarity as well.

[KayC]

Laura, I am so sorry for both of your losses, any of which is a lot to deal with alone, but together, wow.    It can be difficult to find grief support overseas.  I'm glad you have a therapist that does phone visits and very glad you found this site.  Family/friends may care but may not understand, not suffering the exact same loss, even though same person, to you, your husband was in your everyday life and you were close to your son, so both losses are huge and affect you tremendously.

It helps to be here where others get it and understand, it's like a family of sorts, brought together by grief, from all over the world.  We share our innermost thoughts/feelings we don't usually with others.  In my situation, all our friends (and his family) disappeared overnight, some not even bothering to attend his funeral!  My husband was the most caring man I ever met, always there for others, it's just hard for me to comprehend how people can be like this when I know I wouldn't ditch someone who suffered such a loss.  But then I've been through a lot in my life and thus can appreciate much.  Your reading/posting helps process your grief, so I hope you'll continue to come here.

Grief Process
Multiple Losses

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Laura Vence]

Thanks to everyone who commented after my post. I appreciate your support and thoughts. It is a very hard time for me. This quote from KayC rings true for me, as I do have suicidal thoughts, infrequently though and I've noticed these are when I am very tired: but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. 

I just don't want to wake up every day. I actually sleep mostly OK (taking natural meds and an anti-depressant I've been on for decades now, which helps me sleep.) I actually just want to STAY asleep, because when I wake up I feel so unmotivated, discouraged, and depressed. Yesterday I went swimming at a spa I used to go to years ago and loved it. But it was filled with little kids--more than I remembered--and I just felt lethargic and annoyed at the kids playing. 

It's so hard not to feel any joy or happiness! I am in a beautiful place, avoiding the usual NE winter--but it doesn't trigger those feelings inside I want to feel again. Whatever I do feels forced. 

I am usually a very self-motivated creative person so this feeling of utter destitution is very hard. 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Laura Vence said:

but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. 

It was an aha moment for me as I knew I needed to press through and give myself ample time to adjust to all these changes and see what I'm left with.  If I hadn't, I wouldn't have known my grandchildren or my favorite dogs of all time or cats..  I wouldn't have known all these neighbors in this amazing community here.  Yes I'd have missed some struggles and pain over the years, growing old, but I'd have missed a lot of good moments too.  And I've learned so much SO MUCH over the years!  It's been a worthwhile journey.  And yet there's not a one of us who wouldn't trade it all for five minutes alone with them again.  We're human and that human part of us MISSES THEM so much!

I believe there will come a day when you feel some joy, some creativity, some purpose.  Until then, I hope you continue to push through, I know it's hard meanwhile.  I still have those times, esp. when this life is so hard.

[PLin]

Laura,

 

I am new here too. My husband died in late-January. I am Canadian but my husband died in the US. Dealing with the US medical system and insurance was difficult and compounded the stress of dealing with his illness. I cannot imagine the stress and heartache of also losing a child. 

My heart goes out to you. It is so difficult. Sending you love.

 

Lin

[KayC]

@PLin Don't make the mistake I did....I remortgaged my home to pay the hospital bills, still paying on it 16 1/2 years later.  They were hounding me with usury interest rates!  Years later I discovered in my state (Oregon) I would not have been responsible as I hadn't signed anything!  Of course, they didn't tell me that.  I had no $ when he died, it would have paid me to see a lawyer first...

[PLin]

Oh Kay, 

I am so sorry to hear that. How hard to have to grieve and also be burdened with medical debt. Thanks for the advice. 

[Leslie Ann]

Laura I understand.

Im usually energetic and I have lost my motivation also. I have lost so many in my life starting at 23 when my sister and nephew were murdered. Then my dad died 10 months later.

My

mom died in 1999. Then I got divorced which was devastating after 24.5 years.

I remarried and now my husband died.

it’s just that we can only take so much loss and grief. My brain is tired. I understand how you feel. I get up and just plug forward. It’s not easy but just talk about it and you can always email me.. I’d love the conversation and I listen well. A lot of people don’t understand they are busy with their own lives. It feel isolating but you never know what lies ahead.

No one knows so just go forward.

im here❤️

 

 

 

[KayC]

@Leslie Ann I am so sorry for your loss, I understand, I too have suffered so much loss in my life, beginning when I was 14, my 3 year old nephew, my nearly two year old niece born w/o a brain, my dad, my husband, my mom (dementia), my sister and now my other sister is disabled, depends on me and has dementia.  The hardest was my husband George and my dog Arlie.  I've lost countless pets and friends but those two losses were life altering and hit me hard, they are the ones who were my companions, my best friends, my everything.  There is no getting over it, only learning to live with it.  I didn't see how I could do one week w/o George and now it's been nearly 17 years.  I didn't meet him until my mid 40s but how we related, understood each other, could communicate!  He was my soulmate.  After he died and I lost my animals, I got Arlie, and he became everything to me...then I lost him to cancer.  Now I have Kodie, and he keeps me company, opposite of Arlie, but very much my companion.

Learning to process my grief, carry it, find purpose and build a life I could live was the most challenging thing I've ever done...then Covid came and set me back as far as having a life I could do, but I've made it thus far and will do it again if need be.  I've learned more on my grief journey than in the rest of my life put together, which says a lot because I''ve been through a lot in my life.

Like you, I was married to my kids' dad 23 years but never felt loved and it wasn't a good marriage.  I worked at it but only so much one person can do.  George was my only reciprocal love and we loved to the fullest...6 1/2 years after meeting him he was gone, just five days past his 51st birthday, on Father's Day.  I still love and miss him each and every day. 

I'm glad you found your way here, although sorry for the reason we all find ourselves here.  I hope you will continue to read and post, it helps to know there are others that get it and understand..  We want to be here for you.

Multiple Losses

 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.