Valentine's Day

[KayC]

Thoughts on Valentine’s Day Grief

GENERAL / GENERAL : ELEANOR HALEY

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Look at me thinking I should write about love. When countless poets and writers, eons better at describing it, have already said more than enough. But, you know, it’s almost Valentine’s Day, ‘loves’ national holiday, so it’s top of the mind. And I’ve been thinking about Valentine’s Day Grief and the space our readers, who are, for the most part, grieving people, might claim on the day. 

Many grieving people feel alienated by Valentine’s Day, either because they’ve lost someone they love or because celebrating the day is a tonal switch their hearts can’t maneuver. It’s somewhat ironic, though, because most grieving people are loving as hard, if not harder than they’ve ever loved before; it just so happens that the object of their love is gone in some way, shape, or form.

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Remember, Grief is Love

We keep trying to convince people that, although it feels wretched, grief is an expression of love. I realize this is hard to wrap one’s head around because love feels desirable, and grief is a hot potato no one wants. But this is looking at both love and grief in a one-dimensional way. 

Though love has a favorable reputation, the experience doesn’t exist only on the positive end of the emotional spectrum. You can quickly fall into love and, for a moment, it feels only good. But over time, it becomes a complex and messy thing filled with a wide range of pleasant and painful experiences.

Loving someone is a mixed bag because, as the founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Steven Hayes, said, “You hurt where you care, and you care where you hurt.” And though I personally work hard most day not to admit it, loss, which is the ultimate hurt, is inherent to the experience of love.

When we lose someone we deeply care about; we experience an anguished side of love that we express through grief. And just like love, grief comes on fast and intense before leveling off and settling into the fabric of your day-to-day. Also, just like love, grief feels all one way at first (bad) before becoming more nuanced and complex over time.

Grief is obviously a source of great pain for those who experience it. And even years after the loss, the tiniest little ripple – a small stone carelessly thrown into a still pond – can churn up a tsunami of grief. Yet, painful as it may be, it’s difficult to imagine wanting to live without grief because of the love parts of it—the connections, comforting memories, and yearning you will always feel as long as you love someone who’s gone. 

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What to do about Valentine’s Day Grief

What should grieving people do about Valentine’s Day? The answer depends. If you can’t or don’t want to ignore the day, but struggle to face the hearts and happiness of it all, that’s okay. You don’t have to buck up or see the bright side if you don’t want to because love isn’t all bright side. Grieving your loved one, and feeling sad that you can’t physically show them love on Valentine’s Day, is an expression of love. 

On the other hand, you don’t have to give up the things you used to love about Valentine’s Day simply because your loved one died. You don’t have to stop doing the mushy stuff or outwardly showing love for the person you’re grieving. Obviously, it has to take a new form, but if you want to buy them a Valentine or post about them on social media or write them a letter, you can and should do all those things.  

We’ve written a some practical and creative articles about Valentine’s Day Grief. For further support, try the following articles:

• Grief is Love
• Grief and Valentine’s Day
• Valentine’s Day, You Make Me Feel Like a Box of Old Love Letters
• Grief (In Six Words) on Valentine’s Day

You may also wish to visit Grief in Six words to read 6-word stories, both about Valentine’s Day grief and regular old grief.
https://whatsyourgrief.com/thoughts-on-valentines-day-grief/?inf_contact_key=174e3daeee1a507712a37cb71a940156680f8914173f9191b1c0223e68310bb1

[William M]

Thnx Kay. Tomorrow will probably be a rough day for many here, and another dreaded 1st for some including me. As posted earlier I plan to visit the cemetery and make up for those missed valentines days.  I have taken an hour early off work tomorrow, and will bring a custom artificial arrangement I had ordered and also a big helium heart balloon. I've even considered taking a small box of chocolates for me to munch on as I sit and visit with her, but I would probably have trouble eating them while crying, and I'm on a diet!

 

Here's the flowers that arrived 2 days ago.

 

 

[Darlene13]

@William M. That's beautiful.

[KayC]

That is beautiful.  I won't hear from anyone today, will try to treat it as a day like any other, it's so different from the Valentine's days spent with my George.  We were very romantic, very in love, always shared flowers and special meals, holding hands...I miss that.  I cleaned off his memorial stone and Arlie's and the others too.  Will give Kodie a special treat today.  Wondering about all of you...
Wherever they are...wherever you are...sending you this:

[annie123]

Thanks Kay.  I brought flowers to the grave and will make dinner for my son and dil.  I will spend the day with my dear grandson.  He is such a blessing and a joy in my life.  I thank God for him.  He was born 7 months after my hubby passed away.  Before he passed, he knew that we were expecting our first grandchild.  I wish they could have met.   Valentine's day will be different, my hubby always made a special dinner for us.  In my card, he would list the menu and it was always delicious.  He was an awesome cook.  There were  flowers and candy and hugs!!!  I miss him so much.  I will hug my grandson and tell him about his wonderful grandfather!!

[Sparky1]

Unfortunately I had a 'regular' day. My wife was my Valentine and I always got her chocolates, flowers, a teddy bear, and a card. We always went out for dinner and our last Valentine's dinner was in February of 2020. I got a card for the plaque on her crypt, telling her how much I miss and love her. It's been a rough day for me emotionally.

[Tami M]

I amazingly did ok today.  I really expected to have a doozy.  I really had an emotional day on my birthday back in December and New Years ever was hard.  Today I had an early doctors appointment and then work.  Then I got to go watch my daughter in the scholastic bowl meet where I was too bored to cry :P.  Got home and worked on homework with my daughter.  All in all it was an uneventful day.  

Thought to myself this morning after the dr's appointment that I was giving dear husband the best valentine's gift by taking care of my health so I am here to take care of our dear daughter.  

I hope everyone survived the day ok.  

[William M]

I made my visit, with the balloons and flowers. Overall a pretty sad and depressing experience. It's hard to believe my tear ducts aren't damaged at this point.......  The good news is I've taken a 3 day weekend next week, and my only son is coming in town to stay with me during that time.  Finally a good weekend to look forward to. I'm so tired of being alone, and doing nothing but cleaning, and organizing every weekend.  I love my 2 little dogs, but it would be better if they could talk.

[Tami M]

I understand the looking forward to the weekend importance.  I need to work on making plans to do things that I can look forward to.  That is goal I am going to set for myself.  To have one activity planned for my week or weekend that I can look forward to.  

Last week I was so down because there was just nothing to look forward to.  Don't get me wrong I had stuff to do that my daughter was looking forward to.. just not me.

Good news is we all survived the day.  Congratulations everyone we made it through. Hugs!

[KayC]

Yesterday was a day like any other, didn't hear from anyone beyond someone who wanted something as usual...so I decided to take Kodie to see my sister Peggy and we got take out, at least if nothing else I could brighten someone else's day.

 

[foreverhis]

Yesterday, I went to the farmers market and grocery. I got Valentines texts from a few friends and a hug from my baking partner. It wasn’t one of our usual days, but I asked for a short visit with Raleigh, which was granted without hesitation. We went for a walk and then had a little play time in the house and a short snuggle. That 12 lb bundle gives me unconditional love, which always helps.

After our first few years, John and I didn’t do big things for Valentines. He believed that real love and romance are in the small things we do for each other every day. The gestures that show we know and care about each other “just because” of love. I realized that it was right for us.

My baking partner and his wife are my good friends and Raleigh’s parents, so I had asked what their plans were. He said he had ordered them special pizzas from a small local bakery and they were going to stay in and watch a movie. The pizzas are a treat, have to be ordered in advance, only available on Mondays, and $$ comparatively, so that was a really romantic gesture. I chuckled and said, “You two are so much like John and me that way!” And they are. They show their love every day in small, meaningful ways.

My first year, his wife stopped by in the afternoon with a little gift of local honey she had helped gather and prepare. Really local, as in the apiary belongs to her friend and is just up the hills behind us. She didn’t mention what day it was, but said she “just had to” drop it off and have a short visit before going home (which is literally across the street and down one house).

A couple of days later, it clicked for me and I asked her if she “just had to” because she was afraid she would find me in a puddle of tears on the floor. She smiled and said, “Well…yes.” I told her it meant a lot to me and I appreciated how thoughtful she was.

The 2 years with COVID before vaccines, she and Raleigh left little gifts for me on the doorstep with cards asking me to “be Raleigh’s Valentine.” She is really kind that way, not making a big fuss, but simply making the day better.

So those are my Valentine stories since I lost my one true Valentine.