Members Popular Post Zip Posted February 13, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 13, 2022 I was looking for some way to connect with others that are going through what I am and I found this group. I am feeling very lost and alone. I lost my husband of 49 years on January 13th of this year and I am trying to find my way. I'm really not sure how I make a life for myself or what kind of life that would even be. We had so many plans, he had just retired and we were so happy and looking forward to all that we were going to do and then suddenly here I am alone. I have no friends and family have already moved on and here I am not knowing what to do and so scared. I never realized how many calls there would be to make to get things out of his name and into mine and each call I make makes me cry. It is exceptionally hard for me because in 2007 I had a brain aneurysm rupture and of course the part of the brain that was damaged was what controls emotions. How do you go on from here? I miss him so much. 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tami M Posted February 13, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 13, 2022 I am sorry for your loss. Do you go to a church? That would be a good place to find some support and friends. If not maybe find a church and give it a try. I am missing our old life. I am trying to write my new chapter but it is so hard. Maybe you can volunteer at a school or a animal shelter. Anything to get out and be with others. Sign up for a paint and sip night if you enjoy crafts. Take a cooking class or some activity you enjoy. Maybe you will find a friend that way. Many hugs 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jen H Posted February 13, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 13, 2022 It's been just over 4 months for me and the initial shock, anxiety, and nonstop tears has subsided but the loneliness and depression is what's left and I don't seem to know how it will ever go away. I also have no close friends and no family. It was just him and a big part of me and my life is gone now. I surely understand how you feel. Everyone here understands and will support you. The only advice I really have is just take each day as they come and try not to think too much into the future. Your loss is still so fresh so just getting up and doing one positive thing a day is an achievement. Also what I've learned is you never really move on from such a tremendous loss, you just learn to live with it somehow, someway. I'm still trying to figure how to do this myself. There's a long unknown journey ahead of us. You can come here whenever you want and say whatever you feel you need to let out. These people here get it more than anyone else can. We are all here for you. This place has helped me out tremendously. Best wishes to you. 5 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members tnd Posted February 13, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 13, 2022 5 hours ago, Zip said: I never realized how many calls there would be to make to get things out of his name and into mine and each call I make makes me cry. Zip: I am very sorry for your loss and for all the tears that come because of it. When I had to make all those necessary calls, I don't think I even tried not to cry. If I had to cry, I cried. I actually was given more condolences over the phone from customer service reps than I did from my own family. I can also relate to the feeling of being alone and scared. There was no getting around that. It hurt. It's been nearly 8 months now and, in some ways, I am still alone and scared. That's why I am thinking of doing something in honor of my husband. I don't know exactly what yet, but I think it will include letting people that I can personally visit or tell that they are not alone. I might do it through small gestures. I am glad you found this site....you aren't so alone now. Take care. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 13, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted February 13, 2022 13 hours ago, Zip said: How do you go on from here? I am so sorry for your loss...mine has been gone 16 1/2 years and now I'm growing old alone. My sister lost her husband of 50 years just 1 1/2 years ago, she's disabled with dementia and I'm all she has here. I'm glad you're here and want to welcome you to our group. It was a site like this that saved me when I went through early grief and beyond. We want to be here for you if you want us to. It really does help to read/post, helps us with our processing, can also help us emotionally to know that someone else gets it. Grief Process This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MaryB Posted February 15, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 15, 2022 Hi Zip... I'm so sorry about your husband. I lost mine two and a half years ago after 45 years of marriage. Your loss is so devastating and I'm glad you found this forum for support. I wish I would have found it sooner. You're in the right place. Everyone here completely understands what you're going through and there is no judgement. Just move at your own pace and do the best you can. Even on the days that you can't seem to do anything. There is so much to take care of in the early months and it's pretty overwhelming. Please remember to take care of yourself and come back here every time you need to. We are here for you. I see that KayC posted her tips. When I joined she posted them for me and I printed them and keep them on the fridge to read every day. They work. Sending you hugs... 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jeffh Posted February 16, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 16, 2022 I lost my wife on Dec 4th of 21. I didn't have many friends as we did everything together. My kids are older and out of the house. I feel so alone. The only reason I'm still here is she would want me to carry on. My dogs give me some comfort. I'm trying to go back to church but it is to emotional. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MaryB Posted February 16, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 16, 2022 Hi Jeffh, You're in the right place. We all understand how tough this is and we're here for you. I'm glad you found this place...wish I found it sooner. My dog and cat helped me get through losing my husband. I didn't realize at the time just how important it was to have these two pets to take care of. Maybe in time you'll feel the same way. Please come back and share as you feel the need. There's no easy way to deal with losing a spouse but on this forum you are not alone. So sorry you have to be here. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 16, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted February 16, 2022 12 hours ago, Jeffh said: I lost my wife on Dec 4th of 21. I didn't have many friends as we did everything together. My kids are older and out of the house. I feel so alone. The only reason I'm still here is she would want me to carry on. My dogs give me some comfort. I'm trying to go back to church but it is to emotional. I am so glad you are here, it can be very beneficial to read/post and you have plenty here that get it and understand. I am so sorry for your loss...I understand, the first time back at church was really hard. I'm on the platform and look out over the congregation as I help lead the worship in song...George was always my biggest fan, rooting for me from the back pew...and that spot was empty...even worse was when someone else filled it. I switched to the opposite side in the front just to get away from the reminder of his absence. I've heard others have a hard time with this as well. This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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