How I've been

[Perro J]

I haven't posted in a while. It's coming up on 19 months since I lost mi amor de alma.

The past two months have been chaotic. The bullet point summary would go something like this:

• An hour before leaving work for a week off from Christmas to New Years, I got into a shouting match with the GM, was threatened with insubordination, and turned in my written resignation before leaving. I was asked to reconsider.
• Celebrated Christmas with my Mom.
• Reconsidered the resignation and resubmitted it upon my return after the New Year.
• Was then offered the management position I had interviewed for three months prior.
• Accepted the position because I didn't have another job lined up.
• Promptly contracted COVID.
• Learned of the death of a good friend (more than three decades) in January and traveled to Florida for the memorial with only three days advance notice.
• Have been monitoring the health of another friend who has been fighting lung cancer for over two years now and he had to spend some time in assisted care.

My grief, as it was explained to me here, has evolved. It is different than it was when I first lost my love. It is not as crushing and uncontrollable. I can laugh at a joke now. Enjoy a dinner with friends. Most of my time is still spent home alone though. I try to communicate with others sometimes through gaming online. It is something, but it is not really a replacement as compared to what I lost. The thing I like is that I can occasionally think about her, perhaps a pleasant memory returns, and for a moment I can smile. The thing I don't like about that is that I have to keep the thought short. If I continue to think of her, soon the not so nice memories invade and I am sad again. It feels like I have to compartmentalize her - and that feels dishonorable to me. Like I am taking only the good and not the bad. The better, not the worse. Then I worry if I continue to think this way, in only allowing short visits to her memory, she will begin to fade in my memory and I don't want that. I imagine this is some sort of coping mechanism, something I am maybe doing in a semi-subconscious way in order to protect my emotional state. I don't know.

I want to remember everything about her. The good times and the bad. Despite the evolution of my grief, some advancement in engaging in life again, taking better care of myself than I was at the start of my grief story, this life still is nowhere near as good as it was when she was here with me.

I still love her. We belong together.

[Sparky1]

Nice to see your post Perro. I'm glad you've still got a job, sometimes we have to fight for what we believe is right and be adamant about it. For me it has gotten a little easier but I do catch myself feeling guilty about feeling a little better. I also miss my wife more than anything and definitely it will not be the same without her. I miss hearing her voice, her touch, the kisses, the ' I love you', her presence. I tell her that I lover her, will always love her, and will not stop loving her. Just like Phil Collins says in one of his songs we loved so much.

[Jemiga70]

@Perro J   Thank you for the update. I'm at 9 months and some days are absolutely backbreaking, when I lose all hope of pretty much everything (job... and soon maybe have to get a new job, purpose, my sanity..... my brain feels damaged at times by the trauma of watching my wife cross over)  and life seems pointless.  But maybe there is hope, though I cant see it now. All our journeys are different. I guess thats the only sure bet.

[LMR]

@Perro J       Glad to get your update. I am in a similar stage as you. Almost at 18 months. I too compartmentalize. I have been able to laugh snd enjoy the company of my family, but it is a shadow life. I am no longer me because I have this constant aching for him. I have said here before that I have something like a firewall that shuts down my thoughts. It doesn't always work but mostly it gets me through the day. I too worry about my memories fading so I am writing down all the funny things I think of but I don't think we do forget. His touch is seared on my brain. It is as you said just another coping mechanism.

Good luck with your new job.

[KayC]

It's good to hear from you, Perro.  You've had a LOT to deal with in two months!!  I'm glad the job worked out for the better!  I am sorry you lost a longtime friends, that's so hard, I lost mine a few years ago, I'd so hoped we could spend some time together again in retirement, but she never got to retire.   And Covid on top of it?!  Wow!  I'm glad that's behind you now.  You're reaching where I've been for a long time, getting good moments which I have learned to embrace and appreciate, but of course it's not the same as the utter happiness we shared together when he was alive.  I'll take whatever good there is though, no matter how small or fleeting.  For me it can even come in the form of respite from shoveling snow.

I hope things continue to get better for you!  And good luck with your new position!

[steveb]

Good to hear from you Perro. Like you and LMR, I’m at that same stage in time in my grief journey.  Work has been a good distraction for me thus far.  As LMR stated, a constant ache is always there.  Life without my beautiful Chong is simply not the same.

God bless, Steve 

[tnd]

On 2/11/2022 at 4:51 PM, Perro J said:

My grief, as it was explained to me here, has evolved. It is different than it was when I first lost my love. It is not as crushing and uncontrollable. I can laugh at a joke now. Enjoy a dinner with friends. Most of my time is still spent home alone though.

Perro J:  Thank you for sharing your update with us. You maybe feel alone at home but give yourself some credit for being able to laugh and get out a little with friends. Since our partners can't be with us, try letting yourself know that it's alright if it's just you at home. Nothing or no one can replace our loved ones so I think we have to look for activities we can do when we are at home by ourselves. And there shouldn't be any guilt about it because it really is alright to be home with no one else there. It can be both sad or good. Some people have pets, others do crafts and some people, like yourself, engage in online activities with people. I've been making a sort of list of things I want to try doing. Things I haven't done before but usually done by one's self. Hang in there, keep going!