Introduction

[Tami M]

I have sat down to do this several times, but I just get upset.  I was Married to my husband for 14 years.  We have a beautiful 12 year old daughter.  We were all fighting Covid and woke up one morning and found him on the couch gone from us.  After 911 and cpr and coroner I decided I needed to have my vitals checked by a friend who is an EMT.  But by the end of the day just asked her to  take me to the ER.  I was admitted my daughter came with me and stayed in my room.  (We were all still quarantining and I couldn't imagine how hard it would have been for us to be seperated at this point)  My Oxygen level was low, I needed fluids and nutrition, I was diagnosed that night with diabetes.  5 days later I was released. 

We have traveled this road now for 3 months.  My daughter is in counseling (the trauma from that day was horrific.  She jumped in when I couldn't go any longer with chest compressions)  If anyone has younger children she would probably benefit from someone to talk to.  I am working hard to get healthy.  I am exercising and watching my carbs.  I am horribly overweight so working to get in better health that way.  I think I have made it through most of the estate type stuff.  We have a auction coming up to get rid of my husband's tools (he was a mechanic).  I am blessed that my husband had a decent amount of life insurance.  But still worry that my wage and his social security for my daughter will cover us so the Life insurance money will last for security.  Our house was a disaster.  I have made significant progress  on cleaning, but have so much more to do.  I have a hard time when it comes to an area that has alot of his stuff.  I so wish I was ready to get rid of things as that would make it easier, but I just put in something to put away for now.

We are just moving forward trying to keep things positive.  Having my daughter home with me sure does help on this road.  We are keeping busy with all her activities.  Keeps us distracted.  I do need to try to find things that will help me find some joy.  I feel like I am doing everything for her to help her, but I am just going through the motions. 

Posting is my first step in doing something for me.  

[Conpie]

Tami,

I am sorry for your loss, pain and the heart ache your daughter is experiencing.  Although the situations are different, the outcome is the same.  I found my son dead of an overdose on 1/27/22. I started cpr, my 17yo son helped and my husband also made it before the paramedics and did cpr.  He was beyond cpr helping but my mom brain didn't see that.  I will admit I have done cpr many times(registered nurse)  but doing it on your own family member is a horrifying experience for anyone.  I also feel guilt for letting my son help do cpr.  

  Then came the paramedics, police, fire department , coroner and funeral home.  We are all having flashbacks.  My 17yo son doesn't want to leave my side because he is worried about me.  He can see I am just going through the motions of life like a robot--auto pilot.  We are starting counseling and he is seeing a psychiatrist.  One minute at a time is all I can say.  

Cheryl

[Sparky1]

Tami and Cheryl, I'd like to offer both of you my deepest sympathies on your losses. It's a very tough journey for us that are here, and we can all relate to each other's grieving. I hope you can find some comfort in reading the experiences of others as it definitely is a tough road.

[KMkm]

Getting through the day like a robot it seems is common.  I have been without my wife for just over two months and I act like I'm human and take care of my two kids but I'm not Ok and i act like a robot.  I don't want to be here but my kids help with realizing that I need to be here.  I can't imagine the trauma your family has suffered and I am sorry.  A lot of people will post and hopefully you find comfort in knowing you aren't alone.  I have found that I come back to read and post numerous times a day.  I have noticed that the unbearable grief isn't overwhelming but it will take time. You will get stronger.  Ask as many questions as you want and talk honestly about how you feel.  No one will judge we are all on here to hopefully help.  

[KayC]

@Tami M  I am so sorry that you and your daughter are going through this horrible loss, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and unexpected sudden loss can leave you in shock, grief fog...and then the shock of learning you have Diabetes, on top of it all, that's a LOT to take on at once!  I help run a diabetic group if you're interested, we can help you with getting it under control w/o Rxs.  My husband died of diabetic complications, doing what the doctors told him to do...after he died, I was diagnosed and over the years got on maximum doses of medicines and still my numbers kept climbing...I'd tried everything and a friend from my grief site told me about this group and the rest is history.  I'm off the meds and my diabetes is reversed, as are so many other medical issues now!  https://www.facebook.com/groups/2249357341987919/?hoisted_section_header_type=recently_seen&multi_permalinks=3165445977045713

Was yours brought on by the Covid, or do you know?

Pretty much everything we experienced is normal in grief. Right now you probably feel the world whirling around you while your head is in a daze.  It would help to get some grief counseling and find a grief group (can contact griefshare for a location near you, could also contact hospice for one).  It'd be great if they had one for teens!  It helps to read/post and have a place you can come to where you feel understood and cared about!
I hope you'll keep this link to refer to later...Articles-Marty's

Grief Process

 

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

21 hours ago, Tami M said:

Posting is my first step in doing something for me.  

And that is so important!  One of the things my grief journey has taught me is to be kind and understanding of myself, to value myself, as the one who was my protector, advocate and best friend is gone and now it's up to ME to do it!  I've learned to be my own best friend.

[Tami M]

Thank you everyone.  I am so sorry everyone has a reason to be here. 

@Conpie My daughter does anything she can to ease my pain.  She masks her hurt so much.  I am hoping the counselor will help her open up so she can go forward.  We are working on the motto going forward as positive as we can.  One step each day.  I am extremely thankful that we have each other.  I understand the guilt.  I feel so bad that my daughter had to go through everything that day.  I also deep down know that it isn't my fault.  Just like you must know it wasn't yours.  Hugs.

@Sparky1 Thank you for your kind words.  I do think it will help to be able to read other's words.  Although just reading makes me tear up.  But it is because I recognize their pain in myself.  I think that in itself is healing.

@KMkm I am glad your kids got you here.  Sometimes our children can be wise beyond their years.  I am changing my life for the better.  All to be better for my daughter.  I have caught up on dr's appointments, set up a will, setting up our finances.  I have to stay healthy to be here for her.  I am using that as my strength right now.  But the our new life and new roles together are certainly difficult.  My husband did most of the discipline.  I am working on boundaries and consequences with her.  

@KayC I have been stalking around here for a bit.  I had read that and found it useful.  I will have to check out the diabetes group.  I don't know if the covid was the cause of the diabetes.  My A1C was 13.5 so I am guessing it had been going on for a while.  My numbers are not yet perfect, but they are much better.  My highest number is in the morning but generally under 160.  When I came home from the hospital it was more like 220 or higher.  I am on 500 mg of metformin twice a day currently.  

I found a griefshare locally and planned on going.  But then I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I just figured I was not ready yet.  I think starting here will help go forward.  

My daughter is with a friend today and then all of us parents are taking several of them and their boyfriends for a 1st dinner date for valentine's day at a local restaurant.  This should be interesting. But today is the first non work day I have been alone all day.  I went to get taxes done and find out where I can estimate I will be next year for taxes.  Then I actually went on my own and purchased a new couch and chair for the house.  I generally can't make a decision to save my life but I went in the had no problem making my choice.  I call that a big victory.  And I have managed to keep my sanity all alone.  

I look forward to being able to support others and continue reading everyone's posts. 

 

 

[foreverhis]

On 2/11/2022 at 9:13 AM, Tami M said:

  I have made significant progress  on cleaning, but have so much more to do.  I have a hard time when it comes to an area that has alot of his stuff.  I so wish I was ready to get rid of things as that would make it easier, but I just put in something to put away for now.

Welcome.  I'm so sorry you and your daughter have lost your beloved husband and father.  I can only imagine how much harder it has been with your own health complications.  If you can, it would likely be a good idea for your daughter to have some one-on-one therapy with a child grief/trauma specialist.  If it's not covered by insurance, perhaps a local hospice or hospital will help.  Many have resources for group or individual counseling on a sliding scale.  Of course talking with other children who have lost a parent can be helpful too, as long as your daughter feels comfortable with it.  I wonder if there might be forums online like this one, but geared toward grieving children?

In any case, I want to address what I quoted above.  You didn't ask for advice and yet I find myself (for the second time in as many weeks) offering a little anyway.  Please, I urge you to take your time going through everything.  Handle only as much as you can and then take a break from it to do something like walk with your daughter, listen to music/read a book/watch a movie, or just rest. 

At this point, I'd be shocked if you felt ready to get rid of your husband's things.  For me, it felt like I was abandoning him or tossing him away.  It took many months for me to really go through and decide.  In the meantime, I did exactly what you mentioned and simply boxed up or put away the things I wasn't ready to handle.  I did that in part because of advice I received here that something that might cause extreme pain at that time could be something I would cherish later and I'd regret giving/throwing it away.  That advice was spot on as there have been things that I have now, but that I had considered getting rid of early on.

Some things I will keep forever, even though those who haven't been where we are might think it odd.  His backpack and favorite hat hang by the back door (used to be the front door), a few of his items of clothing are in the closet and I wear two of his big, old flannel shirts on cold mornings.  Those flannels are getting a might ragged, but I don't care.  I have his hairbrush tucked away in a drawer because some of his beautiful hair is in it.  I have yet to go through all of his workshop.  One of his avocations was woodworking and over five decades, he had quite a nice collection of tools (including some of my dad's and his uncle's).  Obviously it makes sense for you to have an auction because your husband was a professional mechanic and the sale will bring you a little more financial security, plus the tools will be used by people who can appreciate their true value.

Good for you for looking out for your health and working to improve it.  Truth be told, I'm still working on that myself.  My husband fought cancer for more than a year and my health became unimportant to me.  It didn't become unimportant to him though.  He noticed even the small things, such as when 2 weeks or so before he died, I was sitting next to him in the hospital (again) and he reached over to stroke my straggly hair (it was clean, but hadn't been cut or styled in a year), smiled sadly, and said, "You need a haircut."  I told him I knew but that it didn't matter just then.  But during those 14-15 months and then 6 months or so after, I did not take care of myself at all except to shower, put on clean clothes, and see my doctors and the dentist when I absolutely had to.  So I really admire that you are working on it now, especially because your daughter needs you and because she needs to see that you know that.  Definitely let Kay help guide you with your diabetes; she knows what she is talking about and has walked that journey herself.  She helped me realize that my health does matter, not just to our girls (one daughter, one granddaughter, and my much younger baby sister) and friends, but to me.  I care a lot more about that now than I did at first because time and support have helped me take steps forward into a life where I can carry my grief as part of the whole, rather than having it absolutely crush me as it did at first.

I so wish you didn't have a reason to be here, but I promise you that this is a really good place to be.  The members here helped me so much; I hope the same for you and your daughter too.

 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, Tami M said:

have been stalking around here for a bit.  I had read that and found it useful.  I will have to check out the diabetes group.  I don't know if the covid was the cause of the diabetes.  My A1C was 13.5 so I am guessing it had been going on for a while.  My numbers are not yet perfect, but they are much better.  My highest number is in the morning but generally under 160.  When I came home from the hospital it was more like 220 or higher.  I am on 500 mg of metformin twice a day currently.  

It can affect the pancreas so yes, it can cause diabetes.  With an A1C that high, which measures from three months prior, it's possible you had it before and Covid raised your blood sugar, that's pretty high.  But it depends on how long it was before you got tested for it.

https://www.health.harvard.edu/diseases-and-conditions/can-covid-cause-diabetes#:~:text=It's possible. Experts have,in three different ways.

This chart shows you higher than 200s...

17 hours ago, Tami M said:

My daughter is with a friend today and then all of us parents are taking several of them and their boyfriends for a 1st dinner date for valentine's day at a local restaurant. 

I hope it goes well and distracts you a bit.  I never knew how something was going to affect me in the early time of grief.  Only one way to find out...let us know how it goes, okay? 

 

[Tami M]

I was in day 10 of covid when the tested my blood sugar at the hospital.  I will be sure to let you know what the doctor has to say tomorrow.  The date went well.  The girls are all smitten (as are the boys)  I didn't see Jennah till I got the restaurant as she was with her friend.  I cried all the way to the restaurant,  I really couldn't identify the why for the tears... they were just happening.  But once I got there I was ok.  I was exhausted by the time the exuberant children were done eating and we went home.  

 

@foreverhis My daughter is in counseling at school and privately.  We have her 3rd session Friday.  We have just been bagging everything up and storing it for now.  That keeps us busy so far.  Then it isn't just me that wants to keep stuff.  My daughter is also wanting different things.  

 

Today we went to church and stopped to see my mother in law for a while.  I want to make sure my daughter still have a relationship with her dad's family.  So we take the time to make sure to go see Grandma.  We went for lunch and got groceries.  I am happy to be home for the day.  I am tired from the day.  Relaxation time.

[KayC]

I try to stay under 10-20 carbs/day but most do 30.  These charts are for you to download/print, I found them helpful.  

[Tami M]

I am not sure what the Glycemic index and load are.  

I just got done with my Dr. appointment.  My A1C went from 13.5 to 7.1.  Dr. is very happy.  He didn't make any changes.  He said he wants to see if I level off or keep going down.  I got back in 3 months.  Continue with 500 mg of metformin twice a day.  He said the metformin didn't not make all of the drastic change.  It was obvious I was doing my part.  

On another note I thought I might have a rough day with the holiday we are in, but so far it is going ok.  KMFC it continues.

[KayC]

Why Watching the Glycemic Index and Limiting Sugar Are Not Enough to Beat Diabetes! - YouTube

That is remarkable improvement!  To get in the normal range one needs to be below 5.6 preferrably w/o medications but it can take a while to achieve it.  The problem with Rxs is it's a bandaid, not getting to the root cause and can actually add insulin when you have insulin resistance, when what one needs to do is improve their insulin resistance and get their pancreas and liver working optimally through diet/healing.  Over time Rxs can become less effective and they increase it or the numbers climb..  It took me 11 years to realize this before I tackled it organically.