Starting to feel robotic

[William M]

I almost feel I'm posting too much, but there is just no other outlet that is available to me..........

 

My current thoughts - 

Moving well into 2 1/2 months and I'm starting to feel rather robotic at this point. It's groundhog day every day. I get up, get ready for work. then cry all the way there. I then work till lunch time, sit in my car, and cry during that. I then finish work and cry on the long drive home,  get home and take care of the dogs, fix a dinner,  watch some TV then fall asleep, all in silence.. The next day I repeat it all again, with no real joy, or purpose other than keeping my job, and keeping the dogs, and myself  alive. I feel so isolated right now. Not just because my wife isn't around, but because no one but me seems to really care that she's gone. I mean really. really care like me.  I just wish that there was someone that both 'got it" and also knew her that I could really talk to. But, that person is only me, and I can only talk to myself about it within my head.. 

[KayC]

This is normal to feel in early grief.  You're still in the shock and grief fog and have lost incentive/motivation/joy.  It's turned into something mechanical, survival mode.  It's so important to try to find something, anything, that can spark the least little amount of joy to you...what I call the little joys now that my big joy (George) is gone.  I find I have to keep my eyes peeled and LOOK for them to find them, don't discount anything as too miniscule.  Watching hummingbirds come feed, anything!  I know, seems like a stretch, but sometimes that's what it takes, reaching for a stretch...

I touched on this in my Tips article...it's helped me a lot.  Reach out to people.  Take your dogs for a walk.  Fix something good to eat, just for YOU, you are worth it!  Treat yourself.  Join something, a group where you can meet others.  I remember the first time I went out to eat alone or to church without George, it was hard, but I pushed through it...I've been alone over 16 1/2 years now.  I've had to learn to do alone.  But I've also had to push through and enter the land of the living sometimes, I need a balance of solitude (which I have too much of sometimes) and others.  I like to play Scrabble with a couple of friends once every month or two.  It's not a big deal but it helps.  I don't have anyone I'm really close to except my sister and with her advancing dementia that's hard as it's a reminder that it'll all fall to me and it's fast approaching, that and loss of her.  

Did I mention life sucks sometimes?  Yet it's all we have and all I know is, we can't give up.  We have to keep trying.  The alternative isn't good. 

Don't worry about posting too much, we're all here for each other, and besides, you're not posting too much.

[SSC]

KayC is right @William M you’re not posting too much.  Part of grief is processing what happened and also talking about our partner.  I also learned early on no one wanted to talk about my husband as much as I did  .  I think much of that is because the fear would be my conversations would end in tears and they didn’t want to bring me more pain.  IDK…

In my early grief I have a friend whom I spoke with on a daily basis who lost his wife six months before I lost my husband.  He always thought it would be a great idea to open up a coffee shop for widows and widowers to come and hang out.  Where we could visit and speak of our loved ones in the present tense, feel understood and know we have a place where we belong.  I wish we could all physically meet in a place like this but logistics make this impossible.  Fortunately with technology we found our virtual coffee shop right here in this forum.  Please talk (post) about how you are feeling and about your sweet wife.  Others who understand are listening.

[DonnaM57]

Sorry for your loss, William.  I'm still dealing with mine, 5 months since George has been gone.  I do struggle but I know I have to keep going, find a routine, which everyone around me does seem to have.  You'll find your way when it's right for you.  People should understand it might be awhile but you'll get there.  Glad I found this group.  I usually stay to myself so I'm out of my comfort zone.  Talk about your feelings and don't let someone tell you you're posting too much because if you need to you need to.  Take care and if you feel the need post what you're feeling.

DonnaM57

[Sparky1]

@William M Your description of your existence is identical to mine, except I only have 1 dog. After 15 months, it's still tough for me and I do try to find little joys that might brighten my day. The problem is that the little joys only bring fleeting moments of forgetting about the wound that is still raw and open. I look at it as putting a bandaid on a wound that is too big for the bandaid. It won't stop the bleeding, it only lessens it. I just try to go on and make the best of a broken life.

[Bill V]

3 hours ago, William M said:

 

I almost feel I'm posting too much, but there is just no other outlet that is available to me..........

 

I’m glad you brought that up I too was feeling I was posting to much and I might be bothering people with my stories, like they would think there goes that Bill guy again. I agree the routine we're in sucks and if I talked to my friends and family that much I’m sure they would get tired with it.  Evenings are my hard time. But William you can post as much as you want would never bother me and I’ll read every one of them and respond if I thing I have anything of value to add. Take care my friend. 

[Loriii]

I feel your pain, William. With me, everyday also feels the same. I don't realize the day is passing. I'm just like, here, living with no purpose, no direction. Most of the time I could not function. I could not think. I'm just here. At least for me, I have my daughter to look forward to, but she's not physically here. I'm currently working on it to get her back. But for now, I feel empty. Exhausted. Drained. My everyday life is just like a routine. A routine with no happiness, no love, no care. I feel alone even if I'm not alone. I'm just here. I try to talk to at least, one person everyday. I try to reach out to people. Please try to do the same if you can talk to someone that understand, really understand. If not, just continue to post here. We understand and we care. If you have other hobbies or things that you do before that makes you happy, try to do it. Don't force yourself though. Just try, even if you find little joy or temporary happiness. Appreciate those times. One positive thing at a time. Cry. Also cry, if you feel like to. It is okay to cry. Releasing it and talking about it is better than keeping it to yourself. If you need to share something, just say it here.

[tnd]

I try to look for anything positive or enjoyable each day. Sometimes it is the smallest most mundane thing but I have to say it, every little bit helps. I also try to distract myself. Sometimes I accomplish that just by surfing the internet or daydreaming about my future and what my new place will be like and even recipes that I will try to cook. I don't know, I wouldn't necessarily call it "putting mind over matter" but distractions do most certainly help me. I guess I learned this from living in pain from a chronic medical condition. Hospital staff completely understood that and gave me the little item I needed for a distraction during a procedure. It was like putting a pacifier in a baby's mouth. But if you have a routine and are able to maintain that routine, I'd say that that is a good thing right now, even if it's only getting up, going to work and coming home. Even when you fit in time to cry that is maintaining too. I think we place too many expectations on ourselves. There's really no need to be in a hurry to do other things as you are navigating grief. Give yourself some credit for being you and waking up every day. Come on here and talk or just post what you are thinking or feeling or what you did for the day or week. You are never alone. 

[William M]

Thanks everyone.

So thankful there are people here that understand. I just wish I had someone with the same understanding, but also knew her as I did.....

 

Again, that person seems to only be me.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, SSC said:

Fortunately with technology we found our virtual coffee shop right here in this forum.

Yes, I love that you put itt this way...and I'm having my cuppa Joe right now!