Loss of both parents

[Amanda J.]

I feel so alone and angry all the time.  I lost my mother in August to brain cancer.  Then I lost dad on Thanksgiving 4 months later.  I closer to my dad then my mother and so dad's death hit the hardest.  That feeling it self makes me feel horrible and guilty.  What kind of person grieves for one parent more.  I also feel like I didn't do enough for either of my parents which contributed to their deaths.  I noticed my mom acting more and more erratic but I was so consumed with my life I didn't do anything.  I didn't take her in to get seen.  Then weeks before she was diagnosed I told her that her feet looked blue.  She argued with me saying no they weren't.  But I didn't make her go in and be seen.  Then she had a stroke and that's when they found the cancer.  She was gone in two months.  I also noticed dad loosing weight to fast but again I was to busy with my owe life and didn't make him go in.  He started getting weaker and weaker.  He developed pneumonia and became septic.  I was so busy with my own life that I ignored the issues with my parents.  Everyone I talk to tells me that I did all I could for them.  I can't help but wonder if I had taken mom in when her behavior became ereatic could they have found the cancer sooner and been able to fight it.  I can't help that if I had made dad get check for the weight-loss could they have stopped the malnutrition and dehydration so he could have been strong enough to fight off the heart disease and pneumonia.  I'm always angry now and seem to take it out on everyone around me.  Like im pushing them all away because I don't deserve them for my actions.

[reader]

Dear Amanda,

I’m so sorry for your loss. It is devastating to lose both parents in such a short time. And it is only natural and normal to be angry about the unfairness of it all. 

 It’s hard to look back and think about all the different things that we could’ve been done. That’s only human nature. I know that each and everyone of us on this forum has done that. We all loved our parents so much. I know I too regret so many things I wish my dad was still here

Please know you are not alone. And we are here to listen and support you in anyway we can. Also know there are many supports in the community and in church. If you want to maybe consider grief counselling or joining a support group. Thinking of you.

[Traz]

Dear Amanda,

One thing that struck me in your post was you said several times "I didn't make them go in..."

Did you feel personally responsible for both of your parents' well-being?  Were you their primary caregiver? One thing we grieving adult children do, is blame ourselves for things we had absolutely no control over. And your parents had a personal responsibility to take care of their own health.

My mom was the same, wouldn't listen and I could have dragged her to the doctor sooner, but it wouldn't have made one bit of difference to the eventual outcome. 

Please don't blame yourself. Everyone has choices that they are responsible for in the end. Your parents were grown-ups and they chose not to seek treatment sooner. They might not have listened anyway, despite you insisting. 

The important thing to remember is our intentions. And your intentions were good. You did nothing wrong. You loved your parents, but you were not responsible for them. Just as I am not responsible for how things played out with my mom. She had an autoimmune liver disease and one day she got a bladder infection. We told her to go to the doctor, but she let it drag on. She got sepsis and ended up in the hospital. They discharged her too soon in my opinion and she spent the last week of her life in my home, with me trying to care for her. She ended up having to go back to the hospital, but by that time her liver was failing and there was nothing we could do. You better believe I felt wracked with guilt, questioned every decision I made. It felt all consuming.

Please consider some counselling if you're unable to let go of the guilt. I'm pretty sure there are some good, free resources out there who can help. 

Part of this whole grief journey is taking care our ourselves too. I hope you can learn to be kind to yourself and realize that your parents would not want you to take on any blame or guilt.  

 

[Amanda J.]

Thank you so much.  Its been a struggle everyday since I lost them.  I think about what they would want me to do.  In my heart I know they would want me to be happy.  They were the ones I would always go to when issues came up.  Any time I had strong feelings they were the ones I went to.  And now they are gone and I feel like I'm alone even though I'm surrounded by loved ones.

[Traz]

I can really understand that. Please give yourself time, you lost both parents so close together which is devastating. It will take a lot of time to process. There were a lot of years between my Dad's death and my Mom's so it wasnt as shocking as what you are going through. Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. Xo