I'm new here...

[CMBado]

I'm not sure what to say or how to do this, so I'll just jump right in. In December I lost my partner, my "person", my best friend. But it's not as simple as that, it never is. Our journey started 26 years ago. Two high school kids, both in bad home situations, we just clicked, ya know? We moved in together at 18. He got sick when we were 20. I was there at the beginning. The fears, the confusion. He was on dialysis for 3 years. Then talk of children. We had a son. And two months later, my love got a kidney transplant. Less than 3 years later, he left me for another women. Of course he regretted it pretty quickly but things were never the same. We got back together briefly but it couldn't hold. Ten years we were co-parents and friends, but nothing more. Then about a year and a half ago, things changed, and we ended up back together. We were together for a little over a year and then he was gone. Suddenly. In many ways, I should have expected it. His health has been poor for 20 years. Drs were amazed he was still around. But he always brushed off everything. Always made it home from the hospital stays. Until the day he didn't.

And now? I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't even know who I am without him. Even when weren't together, we were never far apart. And we BOTH new our live never died, and if we needed each other we were just a phone call way. But there's no phone where he is now and I'm just so ALONE. And scared. And distraught. 

I don't know that's there's really a question here, I just needed to get it out. To tell somebody. Anybody. I hav children. I'm not allowed to fall apart. To curl up in the dark and just cry. One of those children is his son. I'm just. Lost and Tired and Empty of anything but pain and tear inducing memories. My last vision of him was in the hospital, after they pulled all the tubes out and I don't want that in my head, bit it's there always on the worst days.

I just hope it gets easier? I'm trying to work on myself. In all these years I've always just taken care of everyone else and now my kids are older and I can finally try to work on me. But I don't even know what I want anymore or where to go from here.

I'm sorry. I know this is long. Honestly I could make it even longer, but that's enough for now.

 

 

 

 

 

[KMkm]

You need to get anything or evertlything out.  It helps to release tension and frustration.   Say what's on your mind honestly without holding back.  I am just starting this journey as well.  I lost my wife in December and it has been very hard.  Just try to remember to take a few minutes a day and relax quietly and focus on yourself.   It will take time and everyone has told me and will tell you that it gets easier but you have to work through this part.  I understand the pain, despair, grief and exhaustion is overwhelming but it will make you stronger as you go.  Talk to anyone who will listen and be honest about how you feel.  At first people didn't want to hear about how I wanted to die and be with my wife, but then they accepted it as a fact of how I feel.  How you deal with grief and how you get through it will be unique to yourself.  Ask people on how they get through each day.  For myself I keep busy but I also think about the pain and despair I have so I don't push it aside and never deal with it.  Post as much as you want and ask for help as much as you can.  Just remember never lose hope.  We are all in this together.  I hope that something I said brings you a little comfort.   Take care of yourself.

[Jen H]

I'd say welcome but this is not a place anyone really wants to join. I am glad you found this place and got your story out.  My situation has some similarities to yours.  We met 23 years ago when I was 24, he some years older than me.  It turned out to be a bad relationship. He choose another woman over me.  He regretted it almost immediately and never left me alone.  For like four or five years he would come around from time to time and those feelings never totally left me.  Still I just remained corgial with him.  He finally won me over again and not long afterwards my mom and dad passed away.  He was the one who got me through all that.  Finally I had everything I always wanted in a relationship.  We were best friends and did everything together.  He finally appreciated me and gave me true love.  Then the cancer diagnosis came.  He lasted five years which I'm grateful for but i became his caregiver more than anything and I knew deep inside it was gonna win the battle one day.  It's been four months already and I completely understand how it is taking care of everyone and then one day it's gone.  I took care of my mom when she was sick then took care of him which consumed most of my days.  Now  I don't know what to do with myself sometimes.  I miss it in a way.  I still take care of my disabled adult daughter and brother which is all I have but yes I need to take the time to take care of myself.  I don't know how to do this   And being consumed with this deep grief doesn't make it any easier.  In this short amount of time I've learned to just focus on each day as they come the most positive way I can.  It has gotten a little bit easier for me recently.  Not necessarily good days but better days.  And this place has helped me tremendously as these people understand and will listen and support you.  You can come here and vent all your emotions and struggles as much as you feel needed.  Hopefully you have some kind of support from family and close friends.  Even if they don't truly understand, they are still people to be around so you don't feel so alone.  I unfortunately don't really have that.  Regardless of our situation, we got to still try to get up each day and push forward the best we can.  

[KayC]

My heart feels like it stopped when I read your account, I am so sorry, that after everything you've been through together, he's gone now.  You have a lot of memories, of a lifetimes spent with him, even when you weren't a "couple" you were still friends, that is a lot...and it says a lot about your love for each other.

It took me a lifetime to find my George, I think our lives were in preparation for each other, the things we experienced enabled us to be ready for each other and fully appreciative of one another.  We just clicked.  Amazingly.  Our communication was exception, our love was full.  6 1/2 years later he died, barely 51.

You also must be young, with this timeline.  I know when he died I was facing living another 40 years without him, longevity runs in my family...but I couldn't bear the thought of the next 40 years, so I learned to stay in today, just do today.  I figure I can get through this day.  Then tomorrow I get up and do it all over again.  No, not groundhog day, but not biting off more than I can handle either, I already had GAD, grief sent my anxiety into a tailspin.  He died of a heart attack with Diabetic complications...today I help with two grief sites and spend hours every day learning and sharing what I learn with them...I now have it myself but have learned to reverse it and its damages with health choices.  All the things doctors never told us when he was alive.  Things most of them do not yet know.  Dr. Phil said to take what we've gone through and give it purpose, such as John Walsh with Missing Persons...that is essentially what I am doing.  It's helped.

I am very glad you found this site, it is a site like this that saved me when I went through it 16 1/2 years ago (Fathers Day 2005).  I welcome you here.  This is a grief family, we are close, we share what we feel, go through, glean, and most of all relate and care.  You are now one of us, if you want to be.    (Although we all wish we were on a beach with our beloved instead.)

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[CMBado]

Thank you everyone. Last night was a very bad night. They always seem to come out of nowhere. I could be having a great day and then, I'm just a hot mess. He was only 44. And this year will be the first time in my life, I'll be older than him. And I don't really know why these things just pop into my head to make me miserable. 

I don't really have a support group for myself. Very few close friends (almost none), my family doesn't live near me. I'm just drowning in misery all by myself. And yet, I have to show a brave face around my kids. They know I'm upset, but I can't be a crying mess all the time, so I just have to suck it up and deal. *Sigh* I know it will get easier one day, I really do. I just wish it would hurry up!

[KMkm]

Would it be possible to get out and meet new friends?  I am an introvert so i know how hard it is to meet new friends.  Also find something that you might enjoy.  It's difficult since grief strips all emotion but keeping yourself busy during some part of the day helps give you a small amount of time to feel less emotional.  I have cried a lot in front of my kids which are still young.  I tend to leave the room when I can or hide the fact if I can't get away.  Keep coming here and post even the smallest amount to let out anything that is bothering you.  I hope today is a better day.  

[KayC]

13 hours ago, CMBado said:

*Sigh* I know it will get easier one day, I really do. I just wish it would hurry up!

I remember wishing for the same thing only I didn't know if it'd ever get easier, I'm glad you have that insight.

Is there any group you might show an interest in where you could get to know others?  Church, birdwatching, childcare co-op, nature lovers, anything???  I'd seek out a group and start from there.  It'd be good too to find a grief support group, I led one prior to Covid and loved it, we all grew close and did lunch regularly.  Covid has shut people down way too much, we aren't meant to live as an island.  I do hope you'll continue coming here, it can feel like a lifeline when you're drowning.