I miss you so much, Dad

[youaremissed]

I lost my Dad in March 2021, he died in the hospital, 9 days after a sudden heart attack. I remember everything from the heart attack itself to the funeral, as if it were yesterday. I was 19 at the time and my mind still can’t comprehend. I haven’t reached the “acceptance” stage of grief. It’s thoughts forcing myself to realize my Dad isn’t coming back, he never got to see me graduate high school or start college, that keep coming back. I never got to tell him about the 96% I got on my first college exam. He never saw me doing some of the most important things that would have made him proud.

My Mom has been saying that the 30 years they still had together suddenly turned to zero. My little brother can’t talk about Dad’s death at all. People around me don’t and can’t understand what I am going through and the worst part ist everybody assumes grief stops. It doesn’t. I am learning to live through it because I know it won’t go away. 

Prior to this I have never lost anybody close to me and at 19 I really wasn’t expecting it. I am hurting, screaming internally, it just hurts so bad a feeling that one really couldn’t put into words. The pain of being left alone, of seeing mom in pain and not being able to tell the person you want to talk to most. The worst feeling being that initial instinct to give Dad a call or send Dad a text or walk into the living room, expecting him to be sitting in his armchair. He isn’t and he won’t answer, ever. 

This is what heartbreak feels like.

 

[Leemiki2]

Your comment that people don't care hit home with me. Your grief is yours. No one wants it. It sucks because I need to get it out but in reality you're right. I lost my dad in November 2020, and my mom when I was 3 years old,  in 1967. I have 2 ex brothers so basically on my dad's side I have no one. Reach out to groups like this. We're here for each other because we get it. We're living grief. ❤ 

Edited February 9, 2022 by Leemiki2
Typo

[Traz]

Dear Youaremissed,

I can only imagine your pain and grief, losing your special Dad at such a young age. You're still growing as a person and reaching adult milestones which were things to look forward to and share with your Dad.

Compounding the loss is not being able to talk to the people around you. Everyone sounds like they are in their own bubble of pain, which makes it really hard. Maybe as time goes on, you'll all be able talk about your Dad freely and express what he meant to each of you. It hasn't even been a year yet and things are still so raw and painful. 

The 'stages' of grief go differently for everyone and the journey isn't linear, in my experience. I'm just shy of 3 years since my Mom died and I'm still grieving very deeply. Its overwhelming sometimes. 

Finding people who understand this journey and who are on it themselves can help you not feel so alone. I've suggested to others in my posts to get a journal and start writing. I've kept journals forever, but I have one that I write specifically to my Mom in. I write like I'm speaking directly to her. I find I feel connected to her somehow when I write. 

Another thing that helped me cope was watching YouTube videos on people who've had near-death experiences. I really felt comforted by those stories and I feel more and more that my Mom didn't just 'stop or cease to exist.' That's just my personal belief.

I wish you peace and may you find comfort from sites like these. Xo