the "in-law" relationship how to navigate

[kkim]

Hello I am new here and I was looking for some advice 

The relationship between my self, mother in law and sister in law is strained to say the least.  long story short, the inlaws tried to change the beneficiary of my husband to themselves illegally. And are upset with me because I went to court and stopped it.  I can live with out them. BUT my children. 20 &17 . Obviously do not want to see any strain but understand where I am coming from.

the mother and sister are greiving in their own way and I completley respect that but what I am having a problem is the fact that the things they are saying and doing has no concideration of what my children are going through. its as if and this is what I see and feel and my daughter has said the same thing to me. its as if their grief is more important.  My children lost their father and honestly no ones greif is more than someone elses.  

Since my husband died my son is being asked to do things that. my husband always did.  Over time sure if he chooses he will.  2 weeks after my husband died they pressured him to sit at the head of the table and say grace. This was thanksgiving and this was never his role. He was so uncomfortable I spoke up and said to him if this makes you uncomfortable than dont, not this year.but his grandmother gave him a stearn eye and he proceeded.  Fast forward to xmas  my husband always wore a ugly christmas sweater ..they expected my son to wear it!  What?!

Next month he told me they want him to be his cousins sponsor during comfimation. His dad was her godfather not my son and she has an adult godmother. He told me he didnt want to do it but he cant say no to them.  

My husband always wore a cross, my son wears now and it was important to my daughter to have one so I made a replica and she wears it on his chain.  The inlaws want a picture of it so that her cousin can have one too.  My daughter is so upset. she says it was her dad not her cousins and they didnt even have a relationship.  My mother in law called her to get a picture of the cross. She never calls my daughter ever! she does call my son that hurts my daughter so much.

Thank you for reading my rants.. I am just so hurt for my kids. If I reach out I am sure it will get ugly and my children do not need that in there lives. I do not like seeing my kids emotional state looked past for the other families own agenda and I am having such difficulty holding it together   you know the saying ...mess with me is ok but mess with my kids THAT you will see a whole lot of crazy. I am trying to be there for my kids with there decisions but I am having such a hard time seeing these people manipulate my kids for there own agenda

[KayC]

I am very sorry for your loss but want to welcome you here.  

I'm sorry for the predicament you find yourself in with your in-laws.  You must first of all stand up for what is best for you and the kids, esp. now that your protector and advocate is gone.  I grew some moxie when I lost George.  I've found some people can be very rude to us in grief, whether intentional or not, it's hard.  Go ahead, show your crazy, you can chalk it up to grief later!  But you and your kids are number 1.

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[KMkm]

Follow what's best for you and your kids.  He was your husband and father to your kids.  That's the main point.  Everything is secondary.  He chose to be with you and start a family.  I lost my wife in December and I will do whatever it takes to keep my kids safe and that's what she wanted.  I don't want to say anything to upset you but if I was the one who passed and my family started to upset my kids after i was gone then I would be upset.  I would tell your extended family that he was your husband first and foremost and also your kids opinions should be respected and put first.  They need to be heard and not told what they need to do because their father has passed on and things fall to the next in line.  I hope you find a solution and everyone comes together as a family instead of demanding things to be done.  Hope I haven't said something to offend you.