Time Doesn't Heal All Wounds

[Cheyanne]

I have carried the weight and burden of my fiance's suicide for 13 almost 14 years. I have sabotaged myself and not allowed myself to heal. From him I have a gorgeous daughter who never met her father. I don't know if I keep holding on because I'm scared of losing his memory or if it's because I blame myself for his death. It almost feels like I punish myself because I didn't see the warning signs. I won't allow myself be loved, believing I don't deserve it. But I am so tired of grieving and don't know how to let go. I don't want our daughter to see me grieve for the rest of my life. I want her to know how amazing her father was without me breaking down every time I try to tell her. What can I do to move on because I am suffocating?

[widower2]

I'm so sorry. I suggest trying a therapist. If after a few sessions you don't feel like you're getting anywhere or feel a good connection, try another one. Believe me, it can take some trial and error to find a good one! But I think you need to unload and talk through some things that you haven't been able to. Been there/done that. I'm much better about it than I was, but Its something I still struggle with too. Grief and guilt are old friends; I've beat myself up many times over how inadequate I was, esp after she got sick. In the case of a suicide, I imagine it's even worse. But it's unfair. I could say "would he want you to" about not beating yourself up, but we all know the answer to that and frankly that never helped me....I always felt like I knew she wouldn't want me to, but I deserved it and couldn't do otherwise. But that's BS. I could, I just didn't want to, maybe because I felt so bad and it gave me a reason (as if I didn't have enough) to feel so bad. Maybe it was some warped sense of justice, like she suffered so much, so I had to do the same. None of it makes any sense. But I do hope you try to reach out to someone. Suffering in silence does both you and your daughter a terrible injustice. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss and all you are experiencing as a result of how it happened.  I can tell you that you are not responsible for someone taking their own life, but you're not likely to accept that at face value, particularly after all these years, this is more than any of us can help with here, you truly do need a therapist, particularly one that specializes in this...I do want to refer you to my other grief site, where the admin/website owner is hands on and is a grief counselor and has a degree in Thanatology.  She will respond to you, and I will call it to her attention if need be.  Or you can tag her (Marty T) in your post.  She literally saved my life when my husband died all those years ago, and I consider her a good friend and mentor.
https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

 

[KMkm]

I don't really have any good advice but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss.  I have a lot of regrets for not doing enough to try and save my wife from cancer.  It's not the same as what you are experiencing but I hope you find a way to forgive yourself.  You haven't done anything wrong and you deserve to be loved.  He wouldn't want you to be sad and to live a life filled with unhappiness.  It's hard to imagine how grief takes everything from us and destroys our self worth.  I feel awful when I laugh or smile because I cant be happy without her.  Hopefully you will feel a little happiness return each day even if it's a small fraction.  I hope one day I will feel griefs grip on me loosen even a bit.  Take care of yourself and post freely and often.  A lot of people will be able to share their stories and also things that helped them.

[Roxeanne]

I'm so sorry Cheyanne for all the sorrow pain and guilty feelings...i know how devastating it is!

You and your daughter deserve a better life and i really hope you can find inside you the strenght to forgive yourself ...it's not your fault, your fiance' was fighting his demons...

In some ways we need to blame ourselves facing an unbearable nightmare!

I want to add to all the good advices by everyone here a suggestion: "Alliance of Hope" is the site and the forum you can find more help and understanding in your painful situation.

God bless you ! A warm hug Roxi

 

[KayC]

I hope these are of help to you as well...
Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss
Spouse's Suicide
Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide

 

[steveb]

Cheyanne, I’m so very sorry for your loss and suffering. My wife Chong took her life in July of 2020.  She had many medical issues and I think her last prescription pushed her over the edge.  I always think about what I could have done differently, picked up on, etc., in order to intervene.  I was crushed under a mountain of guilt and pain.       I was able to unload on my mom and daughter. They both helped me get my sanity back.  You deserve happiness in your life.  As hard as it is sometimes, you can’t blame yourself for what happened.   Give yourself the opportunity to have some joy in your life, and share that joy with your daughter. 
 

Hugs and prayers,  Steve