Thought we could use some humor...add your own!

[KayC]

My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'

The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

 

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since...

 

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

 

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

 

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a government employee.....

 

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a

service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us, they breed…....

[widower2]

Funny and yet scary - idiocracy is alive and well! 

This reminds me of a Steven Wright bit:

"I went to the local mini-mart that's open 24 hrs and the guy was locking the door. I asked him what was going on and he said 'we' closing.' I said 'but the sign says you're open 24 hrs.' He said 'Well not in a ROW.' "

 

Also at night sometimes I'll randomly cruise through youtube, so much stuff out there, old video clips etc...one of my favs is old Johnny Carson clips, esp those with one of my favorite comedians, Don Rickles. Here's a classic (IMO) show where he unexpectedly shows up when Frank Sinatra is the guest:

 

[catcat]

...Is that last one real, not a joke?  I actually got irritated reading that. haha.. wow..

Not feeling like sharing funny stories right now, but I've been watching Dry Bar Comedy every day since I lost him.. Laughing helps me a lot.at first I felt guilty laughing, but I know he wants me to be happy.. So I try and allow myself those moments of distraction. Doesn't always work, some days its like nails on a chalk board, but  many days is a good bit of temporary relief.

I love raunchy harsh stuff, but Dry Bar is clean comedy. They have a ton of great comedians. So far this is my favorite, I've listened to it a couple times.
 

 

[Bill V]

OK I’m an active dreamer, so one night I was dreaming I was being stocked by a bear. Well as the bear was getting closer I had to do something so I though what is a bear afraid of??? Well I decided it was afraid of a lion so I roared like lion. I then woke up and realized it was a dream my wife also woke up and went into the bathroom. When she returned to the bed she said did you roar like lion or did I dream that. I laughed so hard I couldn’t stop. 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, widower2 said:

"I went to the local mini-mart that's open 24 hrs and the guy was locking the door. I asked him what was going on and he said 'we' closing.' I said 'but the sign says you're open 24 hrs.' He said 'Well not in a ROW.' "

Haha!  This explains a lot!

5 hours ago, Bill V said:

she said did you roar like lion or did I dream that. I laughed so hard I couldn’t stop. 

That is great, I love it!

[widower2]

21 hours ago, catcat said:

Dry Bar is clean comedy. 

I remember when that used to be (more or less) the norm...sigh

Bill Cosby (yes I know, ironic given his recent history) was famous for that...not only brilliantly funny but did so being (almost) totally clean...nothing vulgar or dirty and almost never swore. If you haven't seen his special called "Himself" I highly recommend it. If you ever watched/ liked his show in the 80s especially you'd like it. His older stuff was great too

[catcat]

52 minutes ago, widower2 said:

I remember when that used to be (more or less) the norm...sigh

Bill Cosby (yes I know, ironic given his recent history) was famous for that...not only brilliantly funny but did so being (almost) totally clean...nothing vulgar or dirty and almost never swore. If you haven't seen his special called "Himself" I highly recommend it. If you ever watched/ liked his show in the 80s especially you'd like it. His older stuff was great too

Might give it a change. I enjoyed his show growing up. I can appreciate harsh and clean, but clean comedy with good wit is so nice.

[catcat]

Here are a few more clean comedians that I love:
 

Ben Baily, mostly clean. Cash Cab guy, was suprised how good it was.
 

Tim Hawkins, very clean. He is a christian comedian, but not preachy. Im not really religious, but love his stuff. He is also a singer/guitar player and his songs are always witty/funny.

 

[KayC]

My dad loved Bill Cosby, we had a record of his comedy, it was very funny...unfortunately everything that came up in recent years kind of ruined it for me. 

 

[tnd]

On 2/7/2022 at 9:58 PM, widower2 said:

Also at night sometimes I'll randomly cruise through youtube, so much stuff out there, old video clips etc...one of my favs is old Johnny Carson clips, esp those with one of my favorite comedians, Don Rickles.

widower2:   HahaHaHa...one of my favorite comedians! I especially love all the "roasts" videos. 

[tnd]

Sorry, I can't think of anything to add right now but will say any videos or movies of Jonathan Winters will make you laugh. One of my favorite movies is "It's A Mad, Mad, Mad World" with yup, you guessed it, Jonathan Winters in it. Actually, just about every all-time great comedian was in that movie. They don't make 'em like that anymore...boo hoo... 

[widower2]

On 2/15/2022 at 11:38 PM, tnd said:

widower2:   HahaHaHa...one of my favorite comedians! I especially love all the "roasts" videos. 

He was a master at that - the Dean Martin roasts were heavily scripted ahead of time, but Rickles refused, he just did what he always did and winged it. His ad libs with Martin were great

tnd Jonathan Winters (and his prodigy, Robin Williams) were great too! Two more guys who could be hilarious just off the top of their head. 

Another thing I like sometimes are blooper reals (many of them also on Youtube) - my fav are the Everybody Loves Raymond ones. He purposely ad libs sometimes just to make the actors break up (like Tim Conway did with the Carol Burnett Show).

[widower2]

PS this is not "humor" per se, and some of you may already know about this, but general my-mind-needs-a-break area of the site, if you're so inclined...general chat about movies, TV shows, hobbies, whatever. Things like this have helped me at times when I felt like dear God I need to think about or focus on something, anything else (or just not really think at all):

https://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/forum/100-chit-chat-coffee-hour/

[tnd]

You know those grab bars people use in showers and tubs? Sorry I don't have the picture but on a forum for people with disabilities, I saw a picture of a woman sitting in her bath tub drinking and surrounded by liquor bottles and candles. The caption read, "My doctor said I should put a bar in my tub, so I did."   

[foreverhis]

On 2/9/2022 at 7:19 AM, KayC said:

My dad loved Bill Cosby, we had a record of his comedy, it was very funny...unfortunately everything that came up in recent years kind of ruined it for me. 

 

Indeed.  My parents had all his records and we'd listen over and over.  He was so funny.  Then we learned the truth and it just disgusts me.  I haven't listened to his recordings in years, but I have to admit that I still use some of the little quotes.

[tnd]

23 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

He was so funny.  Then we learned the truth and it just disgusts me.  I haven't listened to his recordings in years,

foreverhis:  Cosby would make me laugh so hard til tears were running down my cheeks. Then came the tears of betrayal and sadness. Utterly disgusted to what he admitted to. 

[KayC]

This would be a HUGE faux pas!
 

[widower2]

I love impressionists, and the best one these days IMO is Frank Caliendo. He does a lot of sports personalities but also famous people like GW Bush, Al Pacino, etc...here's a favorite bit he did on Letterman...he starts out with sports people like John Madden (his signature impression) but branches off to numerous others too: