Loss of my boyfriend

[SophiaS2490]

My boyfriend of 4 years passed away last week on Sunday. Today was his wake and service. Tomorrow is his burial. He had covid and pneumonia, but overcame those two. However, he did have a brain stem stroke, and wouldn't have been able to recover his swallowing, walking or speech. He was paralyzed from the neck down after the stroke at the hospital.  They recommended the trachoestomy, but there was a very slim chance for a good quality of life. So, last Sunday, his son made the decision to take him off the ventilator. He lasted 6 hours as we sat and watched him take his last breaths. He passed away at 7:48pm.

I'm saddened because there was no visiting hours at the start of the new year, unless it's for birth or end of life. So I saw him 3 weeks prior to his passing, and then the day he died. I feel like I would have had more closure without that long gap. I was hearing positive news about him, which gave me some hope. But unfortunately, there wasn't much that they could do to save him.

I'm 31, turning 32 soon, and not sure what to do to carry on. It feels like everyone has expressed their condolences, and have moved on to their own lives. He was really my best friend and boyfriend. Didn't really interact with many others in the past few years. So I actually lost my whole world. I try to stay calm and strong, but any time I get overwhelmed, I can't help but want to lay in bed and cry my eyes out. I find no other comfort unless I'm in bed with privacy away from the world. I'm heartbroken and lonely without him here. I know his family wants to keep in touch, but they also have their own families. Now, it's back to my mother and I living together again. The three of us used to live together and share expenses for the past 3.5 years. So it's also strange losing an immediate family member. 

I am scared to ever find love again. Mostly because I've never lost someone to death before. But also, because I'd feel disloyal towards my feelings for him. He was a widower himself after a 19 year marriage, and remarried the following year. But said it was more of a comfort feeling, rather than a deep love. They were together 8 years, then he was single for 4 years, until he met me in 2016. We began dating in 2018 up until his passing. I just am so distraught over this and having trouble accepting his loss. I broke down at his funeral today. Once I gave him his last kiss, I broke down as I walked away from his casket. Knowing I'll never see my world again. I want help with coping and understanding that he is pain free... No more pneumonia, COPD, no more stress or worries, or fears. He is whole again, but I wasn't expecting this, nor was I ready in any way. He was a very active person, and worked up to 3.5 weeks until his passing.

Now I feel besides my mother, I have no in person interaction anymore, and am not sure how to build my life back up. I'm giving myself time, but at this stage, I feel no other comfort than the life we shared with a bright future.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss...somehow that sounds trite, yet it conveys so much more...all of us here have been through this, we understand how all encompassing this loss is, not only your person, but your future, your hopes, dreams, plans.

It took me years to process my grief, years more to find purpose, and years more yet to build a life I could live.  Covid sent my social life down the drain but I'm getting through it.  Our grief journey is unique, as each person and each relationship is, it takes time to figure out how to do this to honor ourselves and them.

I'm glad you have your mom.  My mom was widowed 32 years and was the only one I had that somewhat understood.  Friends all disappeared as if it was the Bubonic Plague and family cared but didn't have a clue what I was going through.  What got me through was finding a site like this to come to, where others got it and understood.  I'm still at that site all these years later, I want to be there for others going through it.  Until Covid, I led a grief support group, and hope to again.

13 hours ago, SophiaS2490 said:

I am scared to ever find love again. Mostly because I've never lost someone to death before. But also, because I'd feel disloyal towards my feelings for him.

My SIL was engaged in college and lost her fiance to death.  She met and married my BIL and they are together still, about 50 years later.  He's been a wonderful husband and she can't imagine life without him, they have a grown son.  You never lose your love for that person you lost but can love again, it's not like a "break up,"  you never wanted this to happen, you didn't choose it, you don't "get over" them, instead learning to carry your grief and love inside of you and honoring it.

But try not to worry about the future right now, right now it's enough just to do today, that is a lot.  This is so new and so fresh to you, it's a wonder you had the presence of mind to find this place, I think it took me about three weeks to even think of looking for help online.

I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps us process our grief and also know this is normal for grief, and that there's others here that understand and relate.

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[RN-Nix]

Sending you a big hug. I understand all you have shared.  I lost someone who meant the world to me 2 months ago. I've NEVER cried that much in my life. I did not touch him in his casket nor did I kiss him. I was in shock and still am. Unfortunately this is a sad roller coaster that we are on. You have to allow yourself to cry. I didn't get to see him before he passed so I had no closure but he came to me in my dreams after his burial and spoke clearly to me. I feel his presence with me. I don't even want to have conversations with people.  Be accepting of the process you are going through. You are not alone. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry.