Don't feel as sad as I expected to

[SS80]

Hi everyone, 

I lost my mother to an aggressive sudden brain cancer in late 2017. It's been a little more than 4 years. 

Writing here since I don't know what to do about how I feel about it all: I don't feel as overwhelmed or as much in pain as most of the messages I see out here or out in the world in general. I had taken up my first job 26 days after she passed. My family was never one of those sharing ones. I keep getting the feeling I wasn't as close to my mother as other people are to their mothers. But I also know that out of her, my father and my sister, she is the one who had the biggest hand in raising me and she was the one I would talk to daily while I was in college. She was the glue holding us all together. And while I'd keep secrets from her since I didn't want her to worry (e.g., secrets like not sharing that the college group went on a roadtrip), she was the one person I did call every single day. I feel guilty for not having loved her enough to really feel that grief everyone feels, for not having been as close to her.

Right now, I'm in a bad place with my relationship. My girlfriend feels I don't love her, I don't know how I can show her I do. When I listen to her point of view, I want to stop inflicting the pain on her. I keep feeling I'm unable to love her because I am unable to love; I'm not too close emotionally to my father or sister either. But I fear that is just a way for me to justify myself, by playing the victim card. I don't know what the truth of it is - do I really not know what love is / am I incapable of loving her the way she deserves. It's all falling apart where I feel I can love her but I hate keeping on hurting her, letting her go feels too painful. I don't know if I'm just being selfish. 

I don't know what I'm looking for, typing this here. There's this overwhelming desire to just evaporate, go somewhere no one knows me; leave people I know, work, everything and just exist in some other dimension.

 

 

[reader]

Dear SS80,

Please know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. We all handle our grief differently. It's important not to be too hard on yourself. You obviously care about your girlfriend and don't want to cause her any hurt. If you want to maybe consider talking to a counsellor about your experience and see if there is something they can suggest to help you.

I'm an introvert and very quiet and stoic. I also grew up in a family where we didn't talk about feelings. I was made to feel it was wrong to express disappointment, sadness or anger. This is a common struggle.

It was hard for me to reach out, but finding this forum and having people to talk to about my grief made a big difference to me. Because like you I too wanted to drift away from people. 

Take care and I hope you find the answers you're looking for.

[lisarose]

I’m in a similar situation. I lost my dad about two years ago. I’ve held off my grief for so long that it got in the way of my relationship. I started a fight a few nights ago only to realize that I was in the wrong for pushing off my emotions. I dumped all my emotions on him at once. My boyfriend was very understanding and expressed that he wants to help me deal with it however he can. Even in the past few days of accepting I need help, I’m seeing improvements. I hope your girlfriend can one day understand that you love her and are just dealing with a very complex situation that you are still navigating and working on.  Grieving is not an easy process.