Long term goal

[Bill V]

One of my goals is to find a partner to share my life with and I though finding a widow would be a good match as she would know what I went through as well as me knowing what she went through. I may have to rethink that idea as I have noticed most widows don’t want another partner. Now that leaves divorces and never married women. I fear dating someone my age that has never been married. Now only divorced is left, so if the man left her does she hold resentment against men, if she left him is she hard to please? Plus I read women don’t want to date widowed men. I might be single the rest of my life.  But maybe I’m over thinking this whole thing. 

[foreverhis]

Hi Bill.  Honestly, I think you are over thinking it. 

There's nothing wrong with knowing what your long-term goal is.  Of course not.  But at only 2 months, you are most likely not in a place to make any concrete plans about who you might date or who might date you and so forth.

You didn't ask for advice and normally I MYOB if not asked, but please, I urge you to focus on you right now.  By that I mean, spend time grieving, obviously, but spend time figuring out who you are without your lovely wife.  How can you put the pieces back together with a huge piece missing?  How might you mend your heart as much as is possible and create a life you can live without her?  What can you do to feel more at ease on your own?  You've already figured out that nothing and no one can fill the void and pain you feel now.  Please give yourself whatever time you need, short or long, to get to a place where your grief is easier (not easy, just easier) to live with as part of the whole of your life.  Then you'll know what you need in a new companion, whether it be a friend or more.

I think it's impossible to say "this group of women" and "that group of women" are all out of the picture.  Generalities aren't necessarily wrong, but they are just that: A generalization that cannot possibly account for every widow, divorcee, and always-single woman.  When you are ready, truly ready, and can open your heart with confidence, then you may find the right woman without so much pressure on yourself. 

I tend to be analytical and an over thinker myself, so I get it.  I'm a technical writer/editor/document designer and worked with engineers, scientists, some military officers, and an astronaut or two.  Structure, formulas, and all things logical were their stock in trade.  As well, my dad was a photo journalist and then a science teacher (and a Ham, BTW; Pacific Division Director in the '60s and 70s, then an Honorary VP), so there again, I was surrounded by formulas and codes and logic.  My husband was a CPA and software developer, so plenty of analytics and logic there too.  It's so easy to fall into that with our grief because we are trying to "corral" it and make sense of something that can never truly make sense.

Because my husband and I came from musical/theater/the arts families, we had that side of life as well.  It's that part of me that I rely on now to help when things don't make sense.  Music is math, but it is also heart and soul.  In trying to combine the two sides, the emotional and the logical, I think I've made more progress in figuring out who I am now and making a life I can live with some happiness.  It's a different and smaller happiness to be sure, but it's there and I am learning to embrace it.

I truly wish very much that you do find a companion worthy of you.  It's a good long-term goal to have and certainly something that it makes sense for you to think about now--maybe don't analyze it quite so much though.

[Bill V]

@foreverhis No I’m not in the market for a partner now, I know I have more grieving to do. I just read a lot and my mind it always going. My background it technical but not a technical as you, I worked as an electronics technician all my adult life and even though I’m retired I still enjoy electronics, always working on projects also love restoring old tube type radios. 
 

But I do know I need time, today I was going through some of my wife’s things, I can only do this for a short time before I’m stresses out or crying then I stop and do something else. Tomorrow I’m back to yard work, spring has come here way to early. I do love RVing and it’s not as much fun by yourself and when you’re the only single one in your camping group that sucks too. So I do have long term goals but I also understand I need time to grieve and find the new me. 

[KayC]

I think you may be overthinking/generalizing it.  I think going with someone widowed may ensure they understand, but not necessarily...all of our marriages were different so is loss of spouse.  Some were relieved when they died!  (I know of one who was, he used to drink and beat her).  So not all widowed will relate the same as you.  There's a myriad of reasons for divorces, for the same reason we all respond different in loss...not all marriages are equal and the same.  I can't imagine someone my age adjusting to marriage for the first time in their life!  I know of someone who is 79 and never married.  He will die alone.  And I can see why.  I've known him since my 20s.  We'll never be close, he's a dreamer, nothing comes to fruition, I've learned to take his "dreams" with a grain of salt.  We can't talk about anything deep, we can be casual friends, nothing more.  

It's important to not write off people without getting to know them.  All in due time.  Try not to give it undue concern until such a time as you're ready...you're a thinking person, just keep your brains with you and you'll be okay!    Seriously, it's important to go in head first, not emotions first...emotions can cloud one's thinking.  You'll be okay!  I have no doubt.  I'm pretty good at reading people (now, not when I was young and naive)!

[Bill V]

@KayC yeah I agree now after rereading is what I posted I jumped to to many conclusions and my brain should not be going there anyway.  I had also gone through some of my wife’s things and found some medical stuff under the bed where she was lying that morning. A oxygen mask and a device with a handle and a light on the end of it. All this made for a rough night sleeping I actually went back to bed after I got up as I felt so tired and depleted. I feel a lot better now. I also think in the back of my mind I realize at my age 67 or 68 in a couple weeks, I don’t have much time left.  

[foreverhis]

@Bill V  Oh my gosh, that must have been so hard.  I'm sorry you had an even tougher night than you otherwise might have.  It's true that at 67-68, you are looking toward the end of the road, so to speak.  I'm 63, so that's something I've considered and faced too.  Unlike so many, we've been forced to confront the realities.  But just because you're no spring chicken, doesn't mean you won't find love again.  Some of us do; some don't.  It's fine either way because what matters is what's best for each of us.  I hope that you find exactly who and what you need to make your life the best it can be (with the understanding that you already had "the best," as did I).

[C L]

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I think I get it.  It's your mind trying to fill the void in your heart and make yourself whole again.  Even before I got my wifes ashes back I had a brief wondering "whats out there for me".  I met my wife on match.ccom when it was just starting out.  I would imagine it would all work the same.  You put in your profile your history and what you are looking for.  In theory it would filter out everyone you are not interested in.  At the end of the day though, you need to be mentally and emotionally prepared to make that effort.  My wife and I would joke when we would see commercials for online dating sites that we were glad we were passed that and didn't have to deal with it anymore.

[KayC]

C L 

I get that.  I can't even imagine going to a dating site.  Ugh.  I'd rather the perfect one just appear, haha!  By this time I realize that's not likely to happen.  Although it did that once...

[Bill V]

Now I’m thinking maybe I don’t need another partner, I mean I do like being able to do what I want and when I want. So maybe being single is a good thing. Maybe I’ll sell my RV and buy a boat, I do love fishing. So many thing to think about lol 

[C L]

I would have never have met my wife if it wasn't for a dating site.  She was in another state.  For me, at least back then, the dating sites were more for people who were actively seeking committed relationships, not "hook up apps" like they have now.  I'm a total introvert and have trouble even making small talk with strangers.  The site allowed me to communicate without so much fear.  That was a long time ago.  I also remember all of the terrible relationships that came before my wife.  Who knows if I would ever really want to do all of that again?  @Bill V It sounds like right now you are missing the best part of your marriage, having your best friend with you all the time.  I'm right there with you.

[widower2]

9 hours ago, Bill V said:

Now I’m thinking maybe I don’t need another partner, I mean I do like being able to do what I want and when I want. So maybe being single is a good thing. Maybe I’ll sell my RV and buy a boat, I do love fishing. So many thing to think about lol 

But as foreverhis and kay said (and better than I would as usual...so glad they answered first!), you're overthinking it. And there's nothing wrong with thinking about such things, but I'd definitely try to keep those thoughts as something casually flitting by vs something you act on now. You need time. Allow yourself that. Just my .02 but I wouldn't make any major moves about relationships or much of anything else for some time yet. You're not in the best state of mind to do that and understandably so. You need to lick your wounds. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Bill V said:

Now I’m thinking maybe I don’t need another partner, I mean I do like being able to do what I want and when I want. So maybe being single is a good thing. Maybe I’ll sell my RV and buy a boat, I do love fishing. So many thing to think about lol 

You are exploring who you are and developing your identity now that you lost your "married" identity...and that is good.  In absence of all that we've known (with them) it's good to figure out those parts of ourselves that define who we are.  It won't happen overnight but will evolve bit by bit in the years to come.

I always felt I wanted/needed to be Mrs. but I've been alone 16 1/2 years now and can't even imagine actually being married and living with someone...would take a whole lot of qualifiers which I was LUCKY with, with George!  For instance, I do NOT want anyone trying to control me, they'd have to be respectful and considerate, I'm used to being independent, there'd be so many changes...I can't imagine it.  Must love dogs, have similar values, beliefs, then there's how I eat (for my health) and I'm an early riser, early to bed, on and on it goes.  Nope, it'd be such a tall order that I can't picture it...

 

[Maria_PI]

People are different, marriages are different and therefore everyone processes such deep profound loss differently. I totally agree with KayC, it's important to not generalize and write people off before getting to know them. In the early months after my husband passed I too felt the urge and even signed up on a dating site for widowers. After all, I am 55 and would like to think that I have at least another 20 years on this Earth and most certainly don't want to spend all this time alone. But how do you get to know people online?! You have to be open to spend time with them in real life and be flexible in your expectations and requirements, but most of all understanding and accepting. Then time passes by and you realize that you like your independence and solitude where you don't have to adjust your already pretty hard fixed habits to someone else's. It's hard. I am sorry for your loss and I am sorry that we all find ourselves in this situation. As with everything in life, some are luckier than others. I wish all of us got a second chance at finding the right person at the right time! (((Hugs)))

[William M]

I too have briefly thought about this subject between periods of grieving. Perhaps into the future something could happen. I do know that future marriage is pretty much out of the question. I feel that was a one time deal and that part of my life is forever over. I have already did the family / raising kids thing and have no desire to try that again.  Besides, I have ordered a double headstone and a future wife would probably frown upon that!

Living together with someone else seems unlikely but who knows? If I do seek future companionship it would probably be for casual dating, and being somewhat shy, and timid about such things, online dating has an appeal.

[Roxeanne]

1 hour ago, Maria_PI said:

Then time passes by and you realize that you like your independence and solitude where you don't have to adjust your already pretty hard fixed habits to someone else's. It's hard.

I agree Maria...it's hard and i don't want to do it! 

I'd like to have a very close friend even someone i can love but as we says here: ognuno a casa sua ! Everyone at their home!

Unfortunately i can't find no one but i have to say i am very choosy...my love was an exceptional man and so no one can matter to me!

I would be happy to find a good friend, someone to do what i like with, someone to tell how i really feel...

It would be enough for me!

[Bill V]

You all bring up good points so much wiser then me lol. Right now I need friends more than a partner. I have always been comfortable being by myself in fact it was my wife that got me out and made me more social. I think in the future I’ll look more for a girlfriend than a full time partner someone who like doing some of the same things I enjoy like RVing, fishing or hiking. For now I know now I need time to heal. As I get feeling better my mind things I can do things my subconscious mind says no you can’t you’re not ready. So for now we work on closure and healing and not worry about what is down the road live in the present. Thank you everyone it’s so nice being here and getting getting the wisdom from those who have been there. 

[Bill V]

2 hours ago, William M said:

Living together with someone else seems unlikely but who knows? If I do seek future companionship it would probably be for casual dating, and being somewhat shy, and timid about such things, online dating has an appeal.

I’m a bit on the shy side too when it comes to women although my wife had helped me over come a lot of that. My experience with online dating sites has been well not so good. There are so many scammers out there, people who are looking for one night stands and some that are crazy. Some are on there 24-7 just wanting to talk to everyone. So you have to work hard to weed through the mess to find a good match. So many lie about their age and put up pictures of when they were much younger. Right now I’m starting to get back into my hobbies and getting things done around the house that I have been putting off. Thanks for your post my new friend.  

[KayC]

On 2/8/2022 at 6:17 AM, Maria_PI said:

Then time passes by and you realize that you like your independence and solitude where you don't have to adjust your already pretty hard fixed habits to someone else's.

Yep, sums me up!  Although I still miss George and wish HE were back, it was no adjustment to him...

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

I'd like to have a very close friend even someone i can love but as we says here: ognuno a casa sua ! Everyone at their home!

Ha, I had that for a year, we were engaged, but he broke up with me by Fed Ex when his mom was dying!  (He has Asperger's, which kind of explains it).  We saw each other on weekends, that was enough.  But it was never the same, not even close, we are still friends to this day, he's with his XW and she's part of it now.  At least I can laugh about it!  I haven't dated anyone since and that was 11 1/2 years ago!  I've been alone 16 1/2 years, I'm kind of used to it by now.

 

23 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

I would be happy to find a good friend, someone to do what i like with, someone to tell how i really feel...

I hope you find that...