My lover died

[GraceluvsRy]

I lost my spouse to a traumatic injury on Boxing Day.  We were together for 9 years, he passed a few days before our anniversary… this would be our 10th year together.  I love him so much it, he was my sun and i orbited him.  We did everything together, had so much fun enjoying our passions in the mountains, biking and backcountry snowboarding, loving our time together and making plans for the future and retirement, growing old together.  I just turned 41 and he just turned 42.  I am … I just don’t want to live without him, not in any way suicidal because I have his house he built and worked so hard for and I have to take care of it, and his mom and sister and my mom and sister are all so devastated.  I want to be there for them somehow.  I’m just in bed, in the bath, or getting sick when I focus on our loss, the one thing I’ve been making myself do is go out in the woods, get some elevation, and hike, which looks like: a few steps, fall down in the snow, sob, after a few minutes get up, hike a bit more, fall down, weep.  We were truly so right for each other, both of us travelled the world individually, never really staying with another person long, always moving on.  Then we both came back to our home town and found each other and we fit together so perfectly.  I just cannot imagine this crushing realization the exact moment I wake up, every morning, the rest of my life and the hazy fog of this visceral pain, knowing  He will never be a part of my days again.  Other than, yes in my heart and memories and all that.  But that isn’t feeling him, holding him, smelling him, knowing him.  How do you survive this, move through this?  

[nikkinaz]

Hi GraceluvRy

First may I say I am so sorry for your loss and that you find yourself here. Reading the different posts does help to know you are not alone. Grief takes a whole life on it’s own and you’ll have different emotions and waves. I am now a year down the line, it does change. It’s not easier  for me but the sharp edges have gone. Best thing I do is, I take it a day at a time. It is and still ongoing how I cope. And somehow we do survive … and there is always someone who will be here, reading, answering or posting. 

I was so sure in life that my husband I were going to grow old together ☹️ He was 54 and I am 50.

Edited February 6, 2022 by nikkinaz

[Loriii]

Grace, I'm truly sorry for your loss. I know and understand how you are feeling. I lost my partner, my soulmate, a month ago due to heart attack and diabetes complications. We spent 16 memorable years together. I love her so much. Like you, she was my life. My world revolved around her. I thought we would spend all our years together, that we would grow old together. I could relate to when you said you did everything together. I felt devastated thinking that we could have done more. She was 39 and I'm 40. It's good to hear that you've been taking care of your house and his family and your family have been watching over each other. Please try to watch your health too. If it makes you feel okay when you go up in the woods, then continue doing it, but, you have to be careful. It's so hard going to our bedroom every time. I pause then remember her in every corner. It ends up with me sobbing and talking to her. Yours is a touching love story and I know how you feel. Getting up from bed in the morning is the hardest thing to do. She's the first thing I always think about and it hurts when you realized a few seconds later that she's gone. I love smelling her as soon as I wake up when I see her still sleeping or sitting in her work computer. Hugging her, holding her, kissing her. I could relate to that too. What I do is take one day at a time. It's been hard, extremely hard but we have no other choice to take this path. Try to talk him, look for signs (I've been seeing signs myself) and hopefully, you'll feel his presence. You aren't alone, Grace, We are experiencing what you are experiencing so we understand you. Just continue to write how you feel and we will listen.

[KayC]

@GraceluvsRy  I am so sorry!  This IS, as you've figured out, the hardest journey of my life!  To enter this without a clue where to start, left me in shock and floundering!  I didn't have any idea how to do this.  I soon learned I couldn't think about the whole "rest of my life" as it invited anxiety big time!  I learned to stay in today, take one day at a time, I do this still, 16 1/2 years later.  I figure I can do today, one day.  I also learned it had a good benefit, it helped me see what was good today!  And there are good things if we look for them.  I've learned my attitude plays a huge part in how I view things...if I go into today with doom and gloom, that is what I will find, if I go into it expecting and looking for something good, I may just find that!  Hard to do in the early days/months/years, I know.  Some days it was a stretch to find anything good in it (I remember counting a stranger letting me merge in traffic, nothing short of a miracle!)  or maybe someone calling to check on me.  Some days now it's just the fact that I don't have to shovel snow today!  (That's a big positive!)

We will always miss them and love them, that will never change.  It's hard to reconcile that he's not going to be here to hold me or talk to (I still talk to him, I just don't hear an answer back, if I did, they'd haul me off!)  

It helps tremendously to share here, and also read others' posts...knowing there's others out here going through the same thing that understand, and gleaning things from them.  A place such as this saved me when I went through it and I want to be here for others going through this now.  We're here to listen, care, understand.  Our friends/family can care but if they haven't been through it, they can't possibly get it like someone who has.

Hearing you speak of your beloved and how you fit together, that's how it was with George and I...and most here.  We were soulmates, we understood each other, got each other, communicated so well, fit in with each other so well!  It seemed effortless.  We all know marriage takes work and sometimes has times harder than others, but really, the adjustment was amazing, unlike any other I've known.  To me I can't imagine this kind of connection with anyone else, it's like we were made for each other.  We didn't meet until our mid-40s, he died just after his 51st birthday, all too sudden, too young, unexpected.  We were supposed to grow old together, this was not in our plans!

I wish I could give you a roadmap, some kind of a manual that would tell you how to do this, but there is none...we all find our own way...however, I've written this small capitulation of what I've observed along the way, no order to it, just random tips...some might strike you today, some might not for a few years, this is an ever evolving journey and unique to us all.  Some might never resonate, but each is merely a point for consideration, that's all.  And look at it again in a few month or a couple of years, what doesn't resonate now may then.
Grief Process
Continuing Relationships

 

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[GraceluvsRy]

Thank you for your understanding, I’ve read and reread these.  It does help and feel supported through words of those who have sat through this too <3

[DonnaM57]

So sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband 5 months ago and I still struggle.  I'm out of my comfort zone, he was my "rock".  I'll move on just like you  and it will hurt for a long time, just remember your love one because it's right and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.