Do you feel you should’ve been moved on?

[madison032020]

Hi, I lost my boyfriend of 2 years in March of 2021… along with my best friend. Sometimes I feel as if I should already be in the process of moving on. I feel like everyone always throws in my face that I “get to move on” and I’ll “find someone else soon enough”. I just truly don’t feel that way… I feel so lost and empty and is already almost a year next month. I honestly feel like it’s getting harder not easier. I’m scared of the thought of finding someone else. Scared I won’t be respected and loved the same way. Hell I still don’t even lay on his side of the bed, like EVER. I haven’t talked to another boy or touched, in like over 3 years now. It’s all new to me I feel so out of place. There’s so much of my life that has changed since he’s been gone. So much that I don’t know if I can just “move on” from or “get over”. I don’t know I just hope I’m not the only one… 

[KMkm]

I can't speak for what happens when some time has passed.  Never think that enough time has passed and you should be ready to move on.   I lost my wife only two months ago.  I believe that everyone is different in how long it takes to feel normal again.  People who have never experienced grief tend to try and give you advice on how to get better.  I'm scared about what the next day, month, year, decade is going to be like.  Just take your time  I have collected quotes to share with people who don't understand what I'm going through.  Maybe that could help you to find a way of expressing your emotional state.  I could even post a link or the actual words on here if you would like.  As for me I was told by many people and even my in laws that there will be a time that I might find someone else.  I won't seek out a person but maybe someday the right person will cross your path.  You aren't alone either.  Everyone on here has lost their spouse or partner and I'm sure a lot of them will give you great advice on how they cope.  I like to tell people that I want to be alone even though it hurts to be.  I feel like I need to do it for myself to heal properly.  One thing I was told was grief is just love that wasn't given to the person who was lost.  I hope that something I said helped a little and if not then there will be others that have better advice.  Just always come back as much as you need and read other threads and keep writing.  It helps me to write.  One day at a time.....one small step.  Remember you are loved 

[Jen H]

My loss is just going on four months so Im no expert but what I've learned is grief has no timetable and everyones is unique.  Yes I am hearing those phrases all too soon as well.  They always say it so nonchalant like it such an easy thing to do.  I just usually roll my eyes and walk away or change the subject but inside I just want to scream.  No one can give you good advice if they haven't been through it themselves.  We are all here for you if you need to vent or just feel alone.

[KayC]

People who tell you you should move on don't have a clue.  We don't "move on" from grief, we learn to live with it and adjust to the changes it means for our lives and that is an ongoing process that takes time.  It takes what it takes.  And they shouldn't put their "shoulds" on us, esp. when they do not know what this is like or what they're talking about.  JMO!

[Yum Yum]

My fiance died 11/9/21. I still have the same sheets on the bed. It's hard for me to change them. They don't smell like him anymore but still. How long did you guys wait to change the sheets? Just for my sanity I need to know what others have done.

[madison032020]

3 hours ago, Yum Yum said:

My fiance died 11/9/21. I still have the same sheets on the bed. It's hard for me to change them. They don't smell like him anymore but still. How long did you guys wait to change the sheets? Just for my sanity I need to know what others have done.

I still have the same ones on from his bed… there’s a lot of things I still have in place or how he liked them it just makes me feel like he’s still comfortable with me too. I’m so sorry for your loss by the way!

15 hours ago, Jen H said:

My loss is just going on four months so Im no expert but what I've learned is grief has no timetable and everyones is unique.  Yes I am hearing those phrases all too soon as well.  They always say it so nonchalant like it such an easy thing to do.  I just usually roll my eyes and walk away or change the subject but inside I just want to scream.  No one can give you good advice if they haven't been through it themselves.  We are all here for you if you need to vent or just feel alone.

Exactly sometimes I just want to scream and lash out, I know they only mean well by trying to give me advice but it’s hard when you don’t have anyone who really know what your going through. Thank you so much. I’m so sorry for your loss too by the way! 

[madison032020]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

People who tell you you should move on don't have a clue.  We don't "move on" from grief, we learn to live with it and adjust to the changes it means for our lives and that is an ongoing process that takes time.  It takes what it takes.  And they shouldn't put their "shoulds" on us, esp. when they do not know what this is like or what they're talking about.  JMO!

I know they only mean well it just hurts hearing that. They don’t understand how scary the thought of moving on is. Especially when you feel as if I’m going to lose anyone I love like that again 

16 hours ago, KMkm said:

I can't speak for what happens when some time has passed.  Never think that enough time has passed and you should be ready to move on.   I lost my wife only two months ago.  I believe that everyone is different in how long it takes to feel normal again.  People who have never experienced grief tend to try and give you advice on how to get better.  I'm scared about what the next day, month, year, decade is going to be like.  Just take your time  I have collected quotes to share with people who don't understand what I'm going through.  Maybe that could help you to find a way of expressing your emotional state.  I could even post a link or the actual words on here if you would like.  As for me I was told by many people and even my in laws that there will be a time that I might find someone else.  I won't seek out a person but maybe someday the right person will cross your path.  You aren't alone either.  Everyone on here has lost their spouse or partner and I'm sure a lot of them will give you great advice on how they cope.  I like to tell people that I want to be alone even though it hurts to be.  I feel like I need to do it for myself to heal properly.  One thing I was told was grief is just love that wasn't given to the person who was lost.  I hope that something I said helped a little and if not then there will be others that have better advice.  Just always come back as much as you need and read other threads and keep writing.  It helps me to write.  One day at a time.....one small step.  Remember you are loved 

ID love if you could post the quotes anything could help! I’m so sorry for your loss. This is definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever been through I just feel so scared all the time 

[KMkm]

For me.  I had to continue on with the routine we had before she passed, like doing laundry.   I have taken her clothes and bagged them up so her friends and our family can choose something to remember her by.  I had a really hard time being home when it felt and looked like she could return at any moment.  I still have her book by the bed and I can't bring myself to cancel her phone.  I hung a few shirts of hers back in the closet and I made a memorial area for her that has pictures, keep sakes, and things that people gave me to remember her by.  My mother in law made a body pillow from the pj's she wore in the hospital.  Just do what you need to in order to make it easier on yourself.  Don't feel awkward about doing or not doing something.  I have things in our bathroom like makeup and perfume that I will never throw away.  I had a hard time throwing away the garbage bag that had things that she threw away the last time she was home.  No one  will or even should judge someone going through grief.  It is the hardest thing to experience and anything that gives you comfort even in the slightest should be considered sacred.

[KMkm]

[KMkm]

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, KMkm said:

I hung a few shirts of hers back in the closet

I wear a couple of John's flannel shirts on cold mornings and use one as a lap blanket with my doggie friend when it's cool in the early evening.  She absolutely loves when I drape it over us as she snuggles in.  I have slowly whittled down his clothes in the closet so that I have a jacket (his NASA one), two cashmere sweaters (even though I can't wear them and the rest are with our daughter and granddaughter), a big sweat hoodie that makes me look like a child stealing her daddy's clothes, and one of his favorite polos (just because).  His backpack and favorite baseball cap hang on a hook by the back door (used to be the front door, so moving them was progress).  I even have his hairbrush because there's some of his beautiful hair in it.  It's been a process for sure and didn't really start until months after.

I still have only gone through about half of his workshop, giving a few favorite tools to a couple of friends who cherish them.  The only reason I started doing that was that he had been in the middle of two projects and I couldn't find anything I needed, plus I was tripping over stuff.

My point, and I do have one, is that there's nothing at all wrong with keeping or not keeping things that matter to us.  There were some things that I couldn't bear to see at first, but I didn't give or throw them away.  I put them away in case I felt differently down the road; for some things, I did.

We go through all of our grief in our own way and in our own time.  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or what unasked for advice they give us.  This is our grief.

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Yum Yum said:

How long did you guys wait to change the sheets?

Probably a month or two, I cried.  But I quit sleeping in the bed too and took to the reclining loveseat instead.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, madison032020 said:

I know they only mean well it just hurts hearing that.

Speak your mind to them, they can't read it.  If we don't stand up for ourselves, who will?  They need to know how their remarks fit you.  I had to do this with my older sister, she has high anxiety and quick anger, she reacted, as I thought she would, "I can't ever say ANYTHING to you!!!  Scream/scream/scream..."  When she ran out of steam she calmed down.  She needed to hear me.   I can'tt be intimidated by someone just because they happen to be reactive all the time.  In fact, sometimes I take a break/space from her.

 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, KMkm said:

I had a really hard time being home when it felt and looked like she could return at any moment.  I still have her book by the bed and I can't bring myself to cancel her phone.  I hung a few shirts of hers back in the closet and I made a memorial area for her that has pictures, keep sakes, and things that people gave me to remember her by.

I love that you honor her and thus yourself by listening to what help, what hurts, how YOU can best deal with it...we all have to figure out the best way for ourselves.  I donated his clothes to a organization that he would have wanted it to go to, even though we'd never talked about this explicitly, I knew.  I kept some that reminded me of him...his fishing vest, bathrobe, a vest he was so proud of, the holey t-shirt I was always after him to throw away.  It took me nine years to give his fishing hat to his best friend, I always knew I wanted to, it just took me that long to let loose of it...a tear escaped his eye when I gave it to him, he said, "My Buddy..."  I know George would have like that too.  I didn't give anything to his family, they'd all taken enough from him and not a one of them cared about him (or me).  I did send some things to his kids (he hadn't seen them since they were young, it took him his life to find them when their mom took off with them, and he'd been in touch with them regularly once he did, but they live across the US and didn't come for his funeral.

 

 

[madison032020]

On 2/5/2022 at 12:16 AM, KMkm said:

For me.  I had to continue on with the routine we had before she passed, like doing laundry.   I have taken her clothes and bagged them up so her friends and our family can choose something to remember her by.  I had a really hard time being home when it felt and looked like she could return at any moment.  I still have her book by the bed and I can't bring myself to cancel her phone.  I hung a few shirts of hers back in the closet and I made a memorial area for her that has pictures, keep sakes, and things that people gave me to remember her by.  My mother in law made a body pillow from the pj's she wore in the hospital.  Just do what you need to in order to make it easier on yourself.  Don't feel awkward about doing or not doing something.  I have things in our bathroom like makeup and perfume that I will never throw away.  I had a hard time throwing away the garbage bag that had things that she threw away the last time she was home.  No one  will or even should judge someone going through grief.  It is the hardest thing to experience and anything that gives you comfort even in the slightest should be considered sacred.

I just don’t ever want to let go... I still text his phone everyday hoping one day he’d respond and he never does and he never will and it makes me physically sick everytime I even think about it. Thank you so much for being so I understanding. It feels good to be able to talk to people who actually understand how bad it hurts to have someone torn from you like it doesn’t matter. 

[KMkm]

I have my wife's phone on the charger beside the bed.  I will pick it up and see of anyone has called it.  I don't think I'll cancel the number.  I know that I have to accept that she is gone but my mind hasn't done that yet.  It's been two months to this day.  Even today I'm unable to come to terms with the loss.  It's really hard to realize that she isn't coming home.  She won't be holding our kids anymore.  I will move forward one day...never will I move on.  Mayne this will help even a little.  I believe my wife is waiting for me on the other side.  I will live my life as full as I can.  I don't want her death to cause two lives to go unfulfilled.  I will honor her life by enjoying what I can but for now I can't do anything other than breath and take care of our two kids.  I hope that maybe my words can give you even the slightest bit of comfort.  I even started to eat once a day.  I lost almost 20lbs.  Just don't give up...never give up.  I tell myself that a lot.  Our loved ones never wanted to cause us pain, and they have to watch us go through the worst pain without being able to help.  Do what you need to so you can get through the day.  Ask questions and tell anyone that will listen the honest truth of how you feel.  Cause I want to die every second of the day but I'm not giving up...I will never give up.

[KayC]

@KMkm I believe that.

[ItsTim]

Don't ever feel that anyone else can tell you when you should move on. It's an extremely personal decision. My wife has been gone 5 years. I just started trying to date a year and a half ago.

Before that, I didn't have any interest. I had our kids to worry about and trying to figure out life.  Things are hectic.

Nobody who hasn't gone through it can understand. Just let people know that you'll get to it when you're ready.

Everyone is different.