Starving for affection

[Peifered]

My husband died in November. I have spent a lot of time investing in myself to begin healing, and it is helping a lot. 
My biggest void is physical affection right now. I’m not even talking about sex so much, I mean feeling the touch of someone in love with me. Someone who knows and sees me and respects me. I have been tempted to slap a band aid on it and I have flirted with other men. But I know that I can not have what I am really craving. What we had. If I did decide to try, I know I would feel guilty and dirty, because I still feel married. I just don’t want to feel alone and invisible anymore. I feel desperate for attention, and I feel pathetic. 

I know there is no resolution but time. I wish I could fast forward to when I am normal again. 

[widower2]

Understandable. Unfortunately this takes time; there is no short cut or quick fix, emotionally or physically. But you can do it!

[KMkm]

Don't feel like you are pathetic.  Being with someone for a long time and then losing them takes its toll on everything.  It will take time like everyone will tell you.  There is no set time though and just go through the process and do what you feel you need to.  No one will judge you and no one has a right to.

[madison032020]

I know it’s not the exact same because we weren’t married but I lost my boyfriend of 2 years in March of 2021, due to a car accident along with my best friend…. I know exactly what you mean. He made me feel like the most important thing in the world. I get scared sometimes because I feel like no one is going to love me the way he did or make me feel the way he made me feel. I miss that love and affection. I’m scared to move on. I’m scared of having to let go of him because I don’t want him to think I’m forgetting about him. I love him with everything in me and if I could I’d do anything to have him back. I get scared that when the time comes I’m going to freak out. Everything feels new to me. I haven’t talked or touched another guy in a little over 3 years now. It’s terrifying! 

[EH22]

5 hours ago, madison032020 said:

I know it’s not the exact same because we weren’t married but I lost my boyfriend of 2 years in March of 2021, due to a car accident along with my best friend…. I know exactly what you mean. He made me feel like the most important thing in the world. I get scared sometimes because I feel like no one is going to love me the way he did or make me feel the way he made me feel. I miss that love and affection. I’m scared to move on. I’m scared of having to let go of him because I don’t want him to think I’m forgetting about him. I love him with everything in me and if I could I’d do anything to have him back. I get scared that when the time comes I’m going to freak out. Everything feels new to me. I haven’t talked or touched another guy in a little over 3 years now. It’s terrifying! 

Hi.  Just because you were not married, does not mean that your relationship and loss is less significant than someone who was married. You have suffered a great deal of loss, not only over your life partner, but your best friend. I am so sorry you've had to endure such emotional damage.

[Jen H]

Just wanted to give you some support and let you know you are not alone on how you are feeling.  We all miss and long for that special emotional connection and physical affection we we had taken away from us.  I expect I will never have that again in life.  If it happens one day long into the future or not then I guess I will have to deal it the best I can and accept it.  Right now I only want him back but I know that can't happen.  I don't see how anyone can give me the kind of relationship I had with him.  Unfortunately we can't fast forward time. They say to not rush grief.  We just need to worry about getting through each day.  I'm sorry you are struggling so much right now.  

[Loriii]

I commend you for being honest. I think it's natural to miss physical affection or any kind of affection. It is not pathetic. Don't feel like you need one. It will come in time and probably the least you expect it. With me, I always talk to my partner and tell her that I miss her touch and, the kisses and those hugs that make me feel secure. I sometimes ask her to hug me in my sleep (which I know I'm not gonna actually feel). The thing I miss the most though is emotional affection. The feeling of being secure and the feeling that I have someone that truly cares. But I don't know. I don't think I would find one again like her. She is irreplaceable to me. She has done a lot for me, like a lot that probably no one could ever do. She could probably be the sweetest and caring person in the world, but still wouldn't able to match what my partner did for me.

[KayC]

4 hours ago, EH22 said:

Hi.  Just because you were not married, does not mean that your relationship and loss is less significant than someone who was married. You have suffered a great deal of loss, not only over your life partner, but your best friend. I am so sorry you've had to endure such emotional damage.

Welcome here, I see this is your first post.  When you are ready, perhaps you'll share with us a little of your story.  

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Peifered said:

My biggest void is physical affection right now.

I know I cannot have what we had, it was unlike any relationship I've ever experienced, he was definitely my soulmate.  When he held me it was the best place in all the world to be!  I've never had that before him or after.

I understand your feelings though, for me the hardest was not having anyone care about me...all our friends disappeared overnight, like I had the plague or something!  No one to talk to. I caution you because...

Someone preyed on me while I was very vulnerable, purporting to be a friend of George's.  He was very good at it, a narcissist and con.  We got married 1 1/2 years later and he totally deceived me, had no interest in actually being my husband, said he'd live here, didn't, he was 3 1/2 hours away in Portland, OR, while I'm in the country mountains.  He used my credit for $57,000 and then quit his job and went into hiding with our new motorhome, which I got stuck paying for.  I also got stuck paying for his car, which I'd signed on.  And his cellphone and car insurance.  I will be paying on this until I'm almost 80!  I missed the time frame for annulling it, but got a divorce so fast his head would spin, once I figured out what was going on...it was so hard for me to face as then I'd have to deal with it, I was already dealing with so much, still processing George's death.  I've lived alone 16 1/2 years now and can't imagine being with someone.  I've learned to never say never, but also don't have any grand illusions. 

Just be aware of your vulnerability, not saying anyone here would be as stupid as I was, just saying early grief we're in a fog and vulnerable, it can lead to desperation.  My word of advice is process your grief before you do anything!
They say not to make major changes in the first year...I'd change that to three at least!

[Peachi]

My husband has been gone for 2 years. I’m still not me. The second year was much harder the year 1. I think I still had some hope that living wouldn’t always feel as bad as it did. During the second year I resigned myself to “this is it”. Now I truly know the meaning of hopeless. I too yearn for a human touch (Covid has taken away hugs and even handshakes. I yearn for a connection with someone- I miss being someone’s “Person” I’m so lonely. When I’m involved in a conversation with a man and he just casually calls me hon I feel like I could cry. Michael called me hon. Funny how such a little thing that I hardly noticed now shakes me to the core. I miss all of the silly stories we shared that only we could appreciate. I can’t imagine ever feeling happy again or even okay. 

[Loriii]

34 minutes ago, Peachi said:

When I’m involved in a conversation with a man and he just casually calls me hon I feel like I could cry. Michael called me hon. Funny how such a little thing that I hardly noticed now shakes me to the core. I miss all of the silly stories we shared that only we could appreciate. I can’t imagine ever feeling happy again or even okay. 

My partner calls me "hon" as well. Back then when our relationship was new, I wished we call each other "baby or "bie/bee" (that's just my preference that time). I didn't seem fond of "hon". Years later, I've grown to love her calling me that. I had a few past relationships before, but she was the only one who called me "hon". so it had some uniqueness to it, as far as I'm concerned. Now, I miss her sweet voice calling me "hon". Even reading your post talking about how Michael used to call you hon, made me miss her and I almost cried. Hang in there, Peachi. Please don't think you're hopeless, you are not hopeless.

[Bill V]

@Peifered I understand what you mean I too miss that physical part of a relationship. I miss hugs, that touch  fore going to sleep, holding hands and I kiss. I got so lonely I joined a online dating site, but it was to early and turned into a mess. You can read about on here so you can see the stupid thing I did. So don’t beat your self up over your feelings we all have them. Good luck on your journey and hope when the time is right you find your new love. 

[tnd]

Sorry, but I'm going to throw a monkey wrench here....while I miss the affection my husband and I shared, I also miss the human touch. Any human! I was alone for so long while he was in the hospital and then when I had to move in with Fran and her family, no one could hug or hold mu hand because of being scared about Covid. I swear, the first time I reached over and hugged Fran's arm I could feel myself relax. I just wanted to hang on to her arm for a short while, a sort of "half hug". So missing affection is one thing but just being able to touch another human being or having them hug you is also enormous. People can't even shake hands anymore, let alone hug. It's so sad. 

[Peachi]

I couldn’t agree more. I attend a very small church- at the point of the service when everyone wishes each other “peace” we normally left our pews and everyone hugged each other. COVID changed all that to just giving the peace sign. I didn’t realize how much I missed the touch of another person until the man who sits in front of me accidentally shook my hand. I’ll never forget that handshake. I never wanted to let go. I miss hugging my friends goodbye. COVID couldn’t have come at a worse time for anyone grieving. We’ve lost all the warmth of humanity. 

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Peachi said:

Covid has taken away hugs and even handshakes. I yearn for a connection with someone

I so get this, having lived alone for 16 1/2 years now, Covid has destroyed whatever social life I had created.  
I am so sorry for your loss, you're still early in your grief, it took me years to process my grief, years more to find purpose, and more years yet to build a life I could live, then Covid came along and destroyed it, don't have much socialization now, go to church, see my neighbors a bit, get out and walk my dog and take him on play dates, beyond that my life is about taking care of my disabled dementia sister, doctor's appts. and volunteerism, tasks.  Being here and for my diabetic groups are my purpose, my passion if you will.

I'm so glad you found this place, have you been with another forum before this one?  It helps us process our grief to read/write as well and having that place others get it and understand.  This is like a family, a place we can pour everything out when our friends/family maybe care but don't have a clue.

It was a place like this that saved me when I lost my George.  I hope you'll continue to come here. 

2 hours ago, Peachi said:

attend a very small church- at the point of the service when everyone wishes each other “peace”

I love this!

2 hours ago, Peachi said:

we normally left our pews and everyone hugged each other. COVID changed all that

I am so sorry.  I miss the hugs too.  I don't know what I''d do without my two year old dog companion, he's so sweet and loving!

I want to make sure you have this too, to download or print for future reference as this is an ever evolving journey...

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

22 hours ago, Loriii said:

My partner calls me "hon" as well.

So did George.  I can still hear his voice saying, "Hi Hon..." when he called.  Another thing I miss.

2 hours ago, Peachi said:

COVID couldn’t have come at a worse time for anyone grieving.

I agree, it's compounded it by great bounds.

[Bill V]

Well many may not agree with me but I refuse to let Covid run my life. I hug my family I hug my close friends and I hugged a lot of people during the funeral but only those who wanted a hug. I wear my mask in places who require it so people will be comfortable even though I feel they don’t really protect that much. My Daughter in law is a research scientist who’s lab is studying this virus she works for a world famous scientist so I value her information. I did get the vaccines  because of her recommendations weather they work or not I don’t know. I feel there are those who have used it as a scare tactic for the wrong reasons there is a ton of miss information or information that is held back from  the public. Now all that being said, I respect those who choose to wear a mask even in their own home. I will give anyone room I only hug someone who is OK with it and is symptom free and I’m not out hugging everyone, only close friends and family.  I believe in live and let live. 

[SSC]

Before I quit my job I was a preschool teacher.  Although the job requires vast amounts of patience along with practically volunteer pay, the unconditional love I received from those children was a balm to my soul after my husband died.  The hugs, the smiles and the spontaneous “I love you teacher” helped soo much!  Then covid happened…it changed everything.  This isn’t political just fact, people are not meant to social distance or cover half of their face.  We need these social cues to help us heal and find our way back into some sort of life.  Covid has really thrown a wrench into our grief journey and definitely hasn’t made it any easier. 

[LMR]

I have no desire for any relationship but I still think about my husband's touch. Somewhere in me is this big empty place that is missing all those feelings. Last year when I broke my wrist I was sent for physio. That first session when he picked up my hand I burst into tears. Nobody had held my hand in over 6 months. It was traumatic.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, SSC said:

people are not meant to social distance or cover half of their face.

I agree.  Having to do this has affected us all!  In my neighborhood no one masks up, we don't get close but we do talk, wave, etc.  I treat Mike and Iris as I would someone living with me, we are together every day, our dogs have daily playdates and with Iris going through her cancer journey she needs hugs, I don't hug her husband but I do her, and we NEED that touching someone's life and being there for them!  However we have to survive these very hard times.  What a year they've had!  Him with long haulers and Covid rash, he's literally come back from the brink of death (had to be hospitalized and on oxygen a long time), and now her fighting for her life.  I am very fortunate that whatever I've gone through, I haven't had their journey, mine has been hard enough.

 

[tnd]

On 2/5/2022 at 8:00 AM, Peachi said:

I’ll never forget that handshake. I never wanted to let go.

Peachi:  Bet that man felt the same way when you shook hands. That's what we used to do at church too. And I swear, I can still feel our Pastors hands as he thanked us at the door.  

[tnd]

On 2/5/2022 at 10:08 AM, KayC said:

Covid has destroyed whatever social life I had created.  

KayC:  Life may not be how we'd like it right now but it's good to know that you didn't crumble and instead, reach out to people in need. You always sound very busy helping people and to me, THAT is a social life! 

[tnd]

8 hours ago, KayC said:

with Iris going through her cancer journey she needs hugs,

KayC:  Is Iris still going through chemo? The chemo will suppress her immune system. Because I've been on Prednisone (steroids) and Methotrexate (oral chemo) for nearly 2 years now I have to be careful around people. Heck, the smallest cut on my legs take forever healing now. And a lot of the little veins and vessels in my arms are broke (they call it Purpura) and look like terrible bruises that are about to bleed. I'm clumsy and keep hitting my arms against door frames. My skin has become like Kleenex tissue. Doesn't hurt but sure looks awful. 

[Peachi]

Anyone else have trouble sleeping? Through my entire life I’ve slept like a baby. Since I lost Michael I don’t think I’ve slept 3 continuous hours - Wake up several times a night and sometimes out of bed at 4 or 5 am. This lack of sleep is wrecking my life. Right now I’m sitting here bleary eyed. I’ll be useless all day. 

[KayC]

17 hours ago, tnd said:

Is Iris still going through chemo?

Yes and we realize this, but when she hugs me, what am I to do?  She feels she needs them with all she is going through, and I am very careful with being around people, my one exception is her.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Peachi said:

Anyone else have trouble sleeping? Through my entire life I’ve slept like a baby. Since I lost Michael I don’t think I’ve slept 3 continuous hours - Wake up several times a night and sometimes out of bed at 4 or 5 am. This lack of sleep is wrecking my life. Right now I’m sitting here bleary eyed. I’ll be useless all day. 

You are not alone, we've talked about this in other threads.  I to this day sleep in our loveseat recliner, I can't sleep in our bed, it's a reminder of his absence, never mind it's been 16 1/2 years!  Grief needn't make sense, it just is.  We get through it however we can.  The doctor offered me a sleeping pill when he died but I declined, thinking it a temporary solution to a permanent problem.  I was wrong.  I made it harder on myself than I needed to by not accepting his help.  For years I commuted 100 miles/day, made all the harder by lack of sleep.

I got a sleeping pill 3 1/2 years later but doled it out when I needed it most, making that bottle last for years!  Finally I took it in to my current doctor and said, "Can I get this again?"  I've been on it ever since, a couple of years or so, unapologetically.  If I have to be on it the rest of my life, so be it.  Someone told me it causes dementia, I looked it up, no it does not, not at this dose.  (Trazodone 50 mg)  Besides, lack of sleep causes dementia!  (That's what I do every day, research health for my diabetic group.)   

When George was alive, we slept in each other's arms, I felt it was the best place in all the world to be!  And it was.

[tnd]

On 2/7/2022 at 8:52 AM, KayC said:

She feels she needs them with all she is going through, and I am very careful with being around people, my one exception is her.

KayC:  If she wants a hug then I would hug her, unless I knew I might have been exposed to someone's cold, cough, fever or....Covid. I am sure that they went over all this with her before starting chemo. She's a grown woman who can make her own decisions, just hope she is careful. Because I've been on Prednisone and Methotrexate for so long I am basically walking around with little-to-no immune system now. I see evidence of that on my arms and legs (little cuts/scratches that don't heal). And oh-my-gosh, this fever I had a few weeks ago really set me back. I will keep you and your friend Iris in my prayers, you both need each other and the hugs and besides, the power of prayer never hurt anybody. 

[tnd]

On 2/7/2022 at 5:01 AM, Peachi said:

Anyone else have trouble sleeping? Through my entire life I’ve slept like a baby. Since I lost Michael I don’t think I’ve slept 3 continuous hours

Peachi:   I think they call this "incremental sleep". Since losing my husband, I've been sleeping in 2-3 hour increments. It exhausts me. If I get more than 3 hours at a time I actually feel a little better, so it just goes to show how much we need sleep. I can't imagine sleeping 7-8 hours straight -that must feel heavenly!     

[KayC]

It seems there has to be a balance because a life (imo) w/o ever getting a hug or a smile is no life at all, to me it's as essential as food/water/breathing.  I don't imagine she has any immune system at all right now.  Chemo is the most horrific things I've seen up close and frontal.  I hate that she has to go through this and can't wait until she's past it and on the road to healing.  My heart breaks for her.

And you...you're going through so much too.  II think there's something to be said for our spirit, our attitude/focus, it greatly factors in to our outcome I think.

[Roxeanne]

On 2/11/2022 at 3:34 PM, KayC said:

a life (imo) w/o ever getting a hug or a smile is no life at all, to me it's as essential as food/water/breathing. 

 

How true...and how painful and desperate it is!

I have smiles and affection from friends and family not still hugs for covid but...it doesn't fill the void in my heart!

I am disconsolate...i'm afraid no one can...

[KayC]

I understand, completely.