Loss my wife 12/5/21

[SamKaren]

I can’t put into words how I feel…lost,lonely, tired, sad, everything is familiar but nothing is the same. I’m working really hard to start each day with the idea that God left me here for a purpose. A purpose I need to refine and fulfill. It helps but as the day goes by my resolve fades and I drift into the dark, sad self pity that does no one any good but I can’t seem to shake it. I have a strong faith life which definitely helps. We were married 42 years and dated 3 years before we got married. High school sweethearts that were made for each other or at least we believed it. I have no real identity without her. That is one of my biggest struggles. I know I’m not alone, millions have made it through  this but that only helps a little. 

[KMkm]

I am sorry that you have to go through this.  I know the feeling all to well asndo many others.  Grief robs you of all emotion. I feel like something is grabbing the front of my brain and squeezing it.  I can only try to tell you what works for me and I know others will do the same cause everyone has coping mechanisms.  I try to do things that will keep me busy throughout the day.  I still take time to grieve cause you will have to feel it and go through the emotion so it won't take control.  Crying helps a lot and also talking honestly about how you feel and try not to hide anything.  My wife passed away on Dec 6 and she was 36.  It has been very hard since and each day I struggle just to cope but coming here and reading posts as well as posting helps.  Everyone on here has gone through this tremendous loss and each one is at a different stage.  It has been almost two months for me and I'm still in denial.  The darkness comes and goes still but the terrible thoughts are less frequent and not as strong.  At first I thought that my life was over and there wasn't any point in continuing on but I have two young kids to take care of.  Also life is worth living even in the darkest of times.  I still think that I wish I was the one who passed but that's not the case.  I believe in honoring my wife by trying to pick myself up and live a life where if she is here with me she can enjoy watching me smile.  One day I will be happy, one day I will be ok.  I don't know when that day will come but I will fight til that day comes.  I hope you do to.

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your loss. There aren't words good enough. This is a great site and group of people; I hope you come back as people here "get it," while your family and friends (unless they suffered a similar loss) don't. 

PS: what you're feeling isn't really self-pity; it's grief. Self-pity to me implies someone who is self-centered and looking for more sympathy than they've earned. You have earned a TON and need to grieve; allow for that. Let your grief be whatever it is and deal with it however you need to. There is no single or "right" way to do it. Don't worry about what you think you're supposed to do or feel or whatever and sure as hell don't let anyone else tell you differently. This is your path, not theirs. 

[Jen H]

So sorry for your loss.  This is the hardest thing you probably ever had to go through.  It's definitely not self pity.  You have every right to feel like this  Your whole world has been crushed.  Your other half of 42 years has been taken away from you.  There is no timetable for such deep grief.  We can only get through each passing day the best we can.  Hopefully you have family and friends to help you through this. If you feel no one completely understands or you feel all alone, we are all here for you.  

[SamKaren]

Thank you so much for your support. I know what you are saying is true, here is to today! 

[KayC]

@SamKaren  I think many of us need to learn our identity after losing our partner because we were always half...now it's me, just me.  It kind of left me floundering as to who I was at first, it took time.  Wow, together 45 years!  I only WISH we'd had that long.  But I'm glad I got him for the time that I did because he's the only one I ever had reciprocal love with!  We had amazing communication and love.  

I am so sorry for your loss, and wish you and all of us had no cause to be here...be that as it may, I'm very thankful for this site.  I hope you'll continue tto come here to read/post.

It took me years to process my grief, years more to find purpose, and years more yet to build a life I could live...then Covid came along and destroyed it and I'm back to ground zero socially.  It's me and my dog now, pretty much.

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[SamKaren]

Yesterday was 2 months. Seems like a year, seems like a week. It was a bad day but I know to expect these type of days at least for awhile and probably longer than I want to process right now. My strategy is to try to do something kind everyday either for myself or others. Last night I watched one of my grandkids so my son and daughter-in-law could go out. Not a big deal but I know they appreciated it. The more kindness I show the more I feel I’m honoring my sweet, loving wife. It’s all I know right now and it seems to help. I also am reminded to be thankful for all the years we did have together vs morning those we won’t. Not always successful but a tactic. Thanks for everyone’s love and support. Good to know I’m not going insane. I hope you have a good day today 

[Jen H]

2 hours ago, SamKaren said:

Yesterday was 2 months. Seems like a year, seems like a week

It does seem like two different lengths of time.  I guess because most of us haven't been away from our partner that long since we met them and couldn't imagine surviving this long without them.

[Jen H]

2 hours ago, SamKaren said:

also am reminded to be thankful for all the years we did have together vs morning those we won’t

So hard to do both.  Trying to get to that state of mind as well.

[SamKaren]

Good luck Praying for ya