Just got through his funeral

[Silver girl]

Hey everyone, glad I found you guys cos I'm feeling so alone. I managed to get through his funeral this week, without a complete meltdown, it was the hardest thing I've have ever done. I was with S for three years, and due to difficult circumstance which I don't want to go into, he took his own life. We loved each other very much and we were both in our fifties and I thought this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. We laughed every day we were together, I can't imagine life without him. Everything feels grey. I find work challenging though they have been very supportive you feel like you need to be normal again. But it never will be.

I know I will appreciate every little thing life brings...to be alive is so precious, but it will take time. I was alone for a couple of years before I met him, after splitting up with my previous partner, so I know I can do it. I try to remember how loved I felt, his embrace, his laugh, it helps for a few moments until I feel the pain of my loss. 

[MaryB]

Hi Silver girl...I'm so sorry for your profound loss.  This is the best place to be.  Everyone here understands how devastating it is to lose someone you love.  And those first few days and weeks are so tough.  Sending you love and hugs.  Keep checking in...you'll find nothing but support here.  

[KayC]

18 hours ago, Silver girl said:

Hey everyone, glad I found you guys cos I'm feeling so alone. I managed to get through his funeral this week, without a complete meltdown, it was the hardest thing I've have ever done. I was with S for three years, and due to difficult circumstance which I don't want to go into, he took his own life. We loved each other very much and we were both in our fifties and I thought this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. We laughed every day we were together, I can't imagine life without him. Everything feels grey. I find work challenging though they have been very supportive you feel like you need to be normal again. But it never will be.

I know I will appreciate every little thing life brings...to be alive is so precious, but it will take time. I was alone for a couple of years before I met him, after splitting up with my previous partner, so I know I can do it. I try to remember how loved I felt, his embrace, his laugh, it helps for a few moments until I feel the pain of my loss. 

I am so sorry for your loss!  I love your last sentence, it's what I hold onto as well.  If it's any consolation, I have never forgotten his voice, how it felt when he held me, his smell, everything about him, our time together and it's been 16 1/2 years since.  

I hope you'll continue coming here to read and post, it helps!  
 

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Loriii]

I'm very sorry for your loss, Silver girl. Yes, you are here. You will never feel alone now. Everyone here, including myself, understands what you're going through. That knows how it is to lose someone that you thought will be with you for the rest of your life. That's how I am with my partner. I could never imagine life without her but now, I have no choice. I don't think I'd ever feel normal again. Also, what strikes me the most is your positive outlook despite of what happened. "To be alive is so precious". Wish I could say that to myself right now. And your last line was powerful. It touched me and it made me cry thinking about how loved I felt with Catherine.

[Bill V]

20 hours ago, Silver girl said:

Hey everyone, glad I found you guys cos I'm feeling so alone. I managed to get through his funeral this week, without a complete meltdown, it was the hardest thing I've have ever done

Welcome Silver girl. So glad you found this forum I wish I had found it earlier In  my grieving, it had been a blessing for me here. I’m so sorry for your loss. I too was surprised I made it through my wife’s funeral, I had to put it together the week after she passed and I don’t remember how I did it I was running on automatic mode. I had to write and give the eulogy I it all a foggy memory to me know. It’s most likely what got me through the first week. Hang in there come here often read what others have written, as that helped my. 

[Silver girl]

Thanks so much Loriii, so glad I found this forum, it's so moving to read the stories here. I do feel so lucky to have known such love in that relationship, and it's what I feel sustains me now. I have managed to get through the week, and now I've finished work I suddenly feel like crying, been holding it together to get through it all. Hope you are doing okay and can feel Catherine's love around you. 

[Loriii]

2 hours ago, Silver girl said:

Thanks so much Loriii, so glad I found this forum, it's so moving to read the stories here. I do feel so lucky to have known such love in that relationship, and it's what I feel sustains me now. I have managed to get through the week, and now I've finished work I suddenly feel like crying, been holding it together to get through it all. Hope you are doing okay and can feel Catherine's love around you. 

I do love your positivity, Silver girl, despite being so early on your grieve journey. I could imagine how S touched your life, the same way Catherine touched my life. I'm happy to hear that you have known such love with him and that it keeps you going. It is okay to cry. I feel you. Let it all out. Please try not to hold it together, okay? It will be better for your health and for your heart. I've always been crying everyday and it helps me. I've been getting used to it like it is one of my daily routine. I feel Catherine's love when I do. I try to talk to her too. I feel okay today. Thank you so much. Now that you finished work, please don't forget to have enough rest and sleep. 

[LoveNeverDies]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you found this forum and I hope it helps you as much as it has helped me. (((((Huge Hugs)))))

[Jennifer Uren]

@silvergirl your strength is empowering. I’m so sorry you’re here to walk this journey with us. The funeral is a big hurdle to get through and it appears you did it with such grace. There will be many more hurdles, some expected, some not, but we are all here to support you. It’s been my experience that there is a great deal of judgment on suicide. I lost a very close friend to suicide several years ago. Just 11 weeks ago I lost my fiancé, my future, my heart and my world due to complications from Covid. Once again I’ve experienced judgment and questions. Vaccinations, pre existing conditions, many political views and it’s constantly on the news, everywhere I go I’m surrounded by what took him away from me. Let me assure you there is no judgment here. Just compassion, understanding, and guidance. Just as others mentioned you have come to a great place. Read our stories and share yours as much as you feel comfortable. It has proven to be valuable to me.

[tnd]

On 2/3/2022 at 4:41 PM, Silver girl said:

I know I will appreciate every little thing life brings...to be alive is so precious, but it will take time. I was alone for a couple of years before I met him, after splitting up with my previous partner, so I know I can do it

Silver girl:   I am very sorry for your loss. I agree, your past experience will help carry you through this. After a divorce, I was single for 10 years before meeting my late husband. I will have to rely on my past experience too. Only this time I am going to stay single. I'm 57 and at this stage of my life and after 2 marriages, I don't want a third. My 2nd husband was all I wanted. There is no replacing the kind of love we had so I will focus on living just to be "me" now. 

[ClaudetteLeanna]

I'm sorry for your loss. Dealing with the death of a loved one, especially in such difficult circumstances, is incredibly challenging. It's completely normal to feel alone and overwhelmed during this time. Just know that you're not alone in your grief, and reaching out to others who understand can be a source of comfort.
I stumbled upon this thread while searching for similar information. I recently lost my father, and I've been seeking support and guidance as well. It's a tough journey, but we can find solace in connecting with others who have experienced loss.
While browsing online, I came across options like monuments for Green Hill Memorial Gardens, which seemed like a meaningful way to honor and remember our loved ones. It's always a personal choice, but exploring different options might bring a sense of peace.

[KayC]

Welcome, have you seen the loss of parent section?  Have you lost your spouse?