I lost my partner a month ago

[JosieK]

Hi Everyone,

I lost my partner, the love of my life, Johnny,  over a month ago, he died by suicide, he was 36yo. We were together for a short time – just over a year – despite this short time we knew we were soulmates and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, we were like an old couple. We loved each other unconditionally.

From the day we met he was open and honest and told me about his mental health, we always had a plan in place and I’ve always encouraged him to never give up and that there’s always hope. Looking back now, I didn’t realise then the lockdown here in Sydney would have affected him so much.

During the last two months, he was struggling but he kept pulling through and he kept telling me I was his everything and I’m the reason that keeps him going. My partner was on new medication and we both felt the new meds weren’t working, I even thought it made him feel worse and I suggested we make an early appointment with his psychiatrist. A few days before his final act, we attended (I was not allowed in) psychiatrist and there was a plan in place - to continue the medication and they will call him in January to organise a time for him to be hospitalised to try another new medication. 

The day before he left us… he came over for lunch and he seemed all ok and we planned for dinner the next day. When he went home, things seems to take a downturn by the messages he sent me but I was at work. So while working I was sending him messages to ensure he was ok, encouraging him and reminding him all the plans we had in place. Christmas was not too far and we would be spending all our time together since I’d be off work. He called late in the night and he had went to visit his friend and was going to stay at his mum’s for the night. I still remember the last phone conversation, he seemed all reassured, he said I was his forever, he reminded me to call the real estate agent to make an appointment for the house we wanted, he wanted to attend my family gathering to meet the whole family and we planned to go ring shopping that weekend… he even suggested to visit his grandpa’s farm the week after so I could meet his aunt and grandpa and I could even ride the horses. When he arrived at his mum’s, his mum messaged me and told he was fine and nothing to worry about and to have a good sleep. Johnny also messaged me and because this was 3AM in the morning, I wanted him to get as much rest as possible, so I told him to get some rest and that I loved him. The last message I received from him was ‘love you more’ and without knowing in a few hours he would be gone. When I woke up in the morning, I was silly and thought, I’ll message him later in the morning because he’s probably still sleeping and don’t want to wake him up with my texting. I should have texted him or even called him as soon as I was up.. maybe it would have made a difference. I feel for his mum as she was the one that found him and she had to call me and his sister to break the news to us.

The day he died, a part of me died. I feel so empty and my heart always feels heavy. I feel no joy, motivation and no purpose in life. Why am I still here? There hasn’t been a day where I haven’t cried my heart out. He was my future. All the hopes and dreams are now gone. Although we weren’t married, we were just a step away from it. Because of the whole covid and restrictions we had talked many times about going to the registry to signing the papers and have the wedding after. We found a place we both wanted to move in and even planned to go ring shopping that weekend. I feel because I don’t have that married status, I sometimes feel people assume the relationship wasn’t that serious. I’m still young (33yo) people would say/ assume, I would move on and that there is someone else out there for me. I don’t know what the future holds but I know the fact Johnny was the love of my life and I don’t think I’ll ever find someone else.

At the beginning, I felt angry and I feel guilty for being angry at him. I know it was the mental health that took him away and he wasn’t thinking straight.. and that he didn’t really mean to leave and hurt me… but a part of me is angry with all the broken promises and I feel so alone and abandoned. I thought with all our future plans falling into place in the new year it could keep him going because he wanted it as much as I do. How did I not see the severity of his struggle? I’ve always been quite alert knowing his health issues but I felt I let my guard down that night. I also question, how/ why didn’t the psychiatrist see any signs? We went to see them ahead of the original appointment date because he wasn’t well, why wait till January and not take him to the hospital there and then?

Before the funeral, everyone reached out and now after the funeral, everyone seems to have disappeared and back to living their life. I do feel quite alone. I’ve been reading a lot and many has said the pain won’t be as intense as time goes by.. but I know I have to live with this for the rest of my life.

When I was on leave from work, I had so many people telling me I should keep myself occupied and to go back to work and ‘live my life’ and be back into the routine. I disagree as I was a mess and I struggle with simple daily tasks, even getting out of bed is hard. I started going back to work a few days ago and I wish I could be on ’leave’ forever. The emotions are still raw and comes in waves and I find it so hard to concentrate and focus. The other morning, I just sat at my desk and cried. I’m just not the same anymore.

Will I get through this pain? Im not sure how I’ve survived up till now but I feel I have no choice and to push on. A part of me feels I don’t want to live too long because the pain is overwhelming. Like, another 20, 30 or 40 years without my Johnny? A part of me feels guilty with these thoughts because I don’t want to cause pain to my family and friends too and, I don’t have the courage to do so. 

I’m so sorry for the long post.

[Gail 8588]

JosieK, 

I am so very sorry for your loss. It is so unfair. You both had so much of your lives ahead of you. You should have had decades together. 

It makes no difference that you only had a year together. When you find your soulmate, you have a bond that is not measured in units of time. When you lose that person, your life is shattered.  We get that here. Our lives have been shattered too. 

I hope you will come back to post as you feel the need to vent, question, rage or share. Sometimes just reading the posts of other people helps to understand that you are not alone. That you are not going crazy.  

I am so sorry you have reason to join us here, on this journey none of us wants to be on, but welcome.

Gail

[KayC]

22 hours ago, JosieK said:

I feel because I don’t have that married status, I sometimes feel people assume the relationship wasn’t that serious.

I am so sorry for your loss.  And those of us here KNOW your relationship was every bit as serious and important as any married couple, more than many!  The ring and paper were to follow, we realize that.  I am so sorry for everything you are going through and also the loss of your dreams and future.

It struck me that because you weren't married on paper you feel society doesn't recognize your grief.  That's often called disenfranchised grief, that due to all kinds of circumstances, one's grief isn't given proper due justice from others.  I wish our society was more educated about grief, unfortunately, until one has been through it, they don't know.

Disenfranchised Grief: When Grief and Grievers Are Unrecognized - SocialWorker.com
Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream

I'm very glad you found your way here.  It helps to read/post so I hope you'll continue coming here.  It helps to know that what you're experiencing in grief is "normal" in grief.  It helps to be around others that get it and understand.

Try to take one day at a time and stay in today, I have to do it still, 16 1/2 years later.  Everyone's journey is unique and so is their timetable so it doesn't help to compare to someone else as some people put great effort into processing their grief, going to a grief counselor, reading books/articles (A Grief Observed is good!) and coming to a site like this, memorializing their loved one, learning, whereas some stay stuck where they are.  We're all different.

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

22 hours ago, JosieK said:

I don’t have the courage to do so. 

And that's probably a good thing.  The thing to keep in mind is this IS an ever-evolving journey and where you are in a couple of years will be different from today, it's important to give yourself the necessary time to learn to cope and adjust to the changes it means for your life.

 

[JosieK]

Hi @Gail 8588 and @KayC

thank you for taking the time to reply to me and your kind words. It really means a lot ❤️

I’m so sorry for your losses. I’m sorry we are all going through a similar journey and it’s comforting to know that we/I’m not alone.

Reading other’s post has helped and to know all the emotions I’m going through is all part of that journey and I’m not crazy. I do find it hard to talk to family and friends as they don’t quite understand and they feel that one day I’ll be back to my ‘normal self’. That maybe there is a reason for things to happen, like some sort of personal lesson for me or there’s a timeline for grief, that I should stop feeling sad and to power on. With a lot of these responses, I have stopped sharing with them as it feels like they’re invalidating my emotions and they don’t understand this is something that will be part of me for the rest of my life.

I have been doing a bit of reading too and I find the book and podcast by Megan Devine quite helpful.

Thank you again for listening to me. Please take care

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

Megan Devine is great, she's known for her book, It's Okay That You're Not Okay.  My pastor quotes from it all the time, it is great for grievers.

 

[KMkm]

Don't beat yourself up about not knowing how bad it was.  Mental health is hard to understand and it takes a lot to ask for help.  I was in a bad place years ago and I hid the reality from everyone.  I hope that you can move forward a little each day and seek the comforts from the people around you and on here.  Also not being married doesn't take away from the bond you had.  I hope people don't assume that with you.  I lost my wife in December and I never truly knew what grief was til that day.  I hope that you move forward at your own pace and ask for help if you can.  Talk to those who listen and honestly tell people how you feel cause some people don't know how cripping grief can be.  If it helps use quotes to explain.

[JenJen55]

Hi JosieK

Firstly let me say I’m so sorry for your loss Josie - it’s so unfair & devastating. Thanks for sharing your story.  Your situation resonates a little bit with me as I also lost my partner a month ago & I'm also in same city. However under different circumstances. Sudden fatal heart attack. I’m a bit older than you & have been married twice. We had only been together for 10 months but we just knew that we were soul-mates and had the most amazing connection. We were so happy, in love and spoke of a future together. On his last day on earth he had texted “Marry me one day” & I know he was saving up for a ring. So sad to be robbed of a beautiful future too. People think it couldn’t possibly be that serious after that short amount of time. I have had many different relationships & to say that is so wrong as I don’t think you can be judged on length of time together, it’s different for everyone. It took my whole life to find this beautiful man & then he was so cruelly snatched away. So not fair. I agree that friends are all there to support for you for the first few weeks (which is lovely) then everyone disappears & goes back to their own lives. It’s quite hard functioning & getting on with life without my lovely man but I am trying hard to think of all the good that I got from being with him & how much better my life was when he was in it & how to channel all that positivity, love & kindness on to others, using all the unconditional love he gave to me, starting with his son who I only met after his passing. However it hurts like hell with this huge hole he has left in my heart. Sending big hugs to you & every other person grieving who reads this note. Take care of yourself/s.
PS. I’ve suddenly been seeing lots of big butterflies & pretty dragonflies since his passing. I think that’s really beautiful.

Jen

[KayC]

@JenJen55  I am so sorry for your loss but want to welcome you here.  I can relate so much to your story as it's similar to mine...we didn't meet until our mid 40s but knew we were soulmates, we connected in a way I never had with my kids' dad (married 23 years) or anyone else!  We understood, related to each other and adored each other reciprocally, I'd never had that before and am so glad we got to have that even though it was way too short.  We only knew each other 6 1/2 years and he died suddenly, heart attack with diabetic complications, five days after his 51st birthday.  That was 16 1/2 years ago...it's hard to believe this much time has passed as in the beginning, I honestly did not know how I'd do one week without him!  All our friends disappeared overnight and although my family cared, they didn't have a clue, my siblings all still had their spouses!  I love that you're seeing butterflies and dragonflies.  Our thing was pansies and that's one of the signs I've gotten a couple of times with them showing up in extremely unlikely places!  Another is rainbows...he went out in a humongous thunderstorm with a triple rainbow!  I figured that was him creating quite a response when he entered heaven!    He would have gotten a kick out of that.

7 hours ago, JenJen55 said:

People think it couldn’t possibly be that serious after that short amount of time. I have had many different relationships & to say that is so wrong as I don’t think you can be judged on length of time together, it’s different for everyone. It took my whole life to find this beautiful man & then he was so cruelly snatched away. So not fair.

OMG, I so agree with you!!!

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[JenJen55]

Thank you @KayC for the welcome, your kind words, sharing your own story, loved hearing about the pansies & rainbows and also the tips which will be most helpful. I am also so sorry for your loss Kay. Thank you for helping those of us who are trying to cope with this newfound grief that we all find ourselves in & trying to navigate through it. It seems the grieving is slightly different for everyone with no right or wrong way to do it, and no set timeline, despite friends expecting us to be fine after just a short time. It’s comforting to read of others stories albeit heartbreaking too & know that we are not alone. I came to this site in a way to try to fill a bit of a void. My partner and I lived separately and yet when we weren’t spending time together we used to spend hours on the phone, texted each other constantly throughout the day, face timed each other a few times a day. I struggle with this….missing his constant contact. I’m pretty sure he’s here with me in spirit…the fact that I saw two butterflies together quite a few times yesterday apparently means undying love… so that made me happy as if that’s the message he was trying to send me. Have a lovely day/ night & thanks for listening. Take care. 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, JenJen55 said:

no right or wrong way to do it, and no set timeline

Exactly!  Friends need to put their expectations in the garbage where it belongs.   Even if one has been through it, that doesn't mean it'll be the same experience as our love, our relationships, our personalities and coping skills are all unique.

I'm glad you feel he's with you in spirit!  I had an experience years after George's death that I couldn't explain but it was very real.

I'd lost my job and experienced age discrimination back in the recession.  I was called back part time for a year then suddenly w/o notice given a pink slip, no warning.  I lived on my savings for four years but ran out a year shy of full soc. sec.  When I called to check on it, the lady callously told me I'd get $250/month.  Then she wouldn't double check.  It was the beginning of a three day weekend and I needed to wait until Tues. to talk to someone else.  I knew it couldn't be right but she sent my anxiety through the roof!

That eve. I was lying on my bed and I felt George's hand on my back/shoulder area.  It was 12 1/2 years after he'd died!  I instantly felt calm, peaceful!  It carried me through the long weekend and Tues. I got someone really nice that gave me the true amount.  She had just been talking off the top of her head, uncaring how it affected me, clearly wanting to get off the phone and start her weekend!  He not only told me what the correct amount would be, he filed for me and even took care of my Medicare w/h!  

Why then and not any other time?  IDK.  I only know when I truly needed it, he was there.  I've never had anything like that before or since.

[KMkm]

I had only one dream where I prayed to hold my wife and hear her voice.  I haven't seen anything since nor have I felt her.  The grief I feel just makes it hard to feel anything.   I'm scared that my mind is broken and I will feel like this forever.  I have read that people feel a sense of calm when they need it most.  I guess I don't need it as much as I think I do.  Hopefully it will happen again.  I can only pray that our loved ones want to reach out but it's hard for them and that's why we don't feel their presence more.

[KayC]

I don't claim to know/understand the why/why not of signs.  I've heard it's very difficult for them to reach us, IDK. 

[JosieK]

Hi @JenJen55

I’m so sorry for your loss of your partner - it’s so devastating and heartbreaking. Thank you for your kind words and sharing your story.

I feel I can really resonate with you. Although different circumstances, we both lost our soulmates and robbed of the chance of having a future with our loved ones! It’s so unfair. I wish we both could have had more time with our partners. I was also not living together with my partner and ever since the day we met, there’s not a day where we wouldn’t talk to each other. We would always text, call or FaceTime throughout the day. He would always start the day by sending me a good morning text and at the end of the day, a goodnight text. I really miss hearing from him. There are times where I still pick up the phone and think, maybe I’ll receive a message or call from him or times where I’ve tried calling his phone thinking someone will pick up on the other end. I also did not get a chance to meet all of his friends and family and it was sad to meet some of them at his funeral.. It was nice to finally meet the friends and family he always mentioned but sad it was under those circumstances.

I’m glad you’re seeing signs from your partner. I know it’s not the same but I’m glad it brings some positivity and any reminder of their love is always so beautiful. 

Sending you big hugs.

please take care and stay safe. 

[KayC]

13 minutes ago, JosieK said:

I’m glad you’re seeing signs from your partner. I know it’s not the same but I’m glad it brings some positivity and any reminder of their love is always so beautiful. 

At least it can help us feel still connected to them, so important!

[JosieK]

Hi @KMkm,

I’m so sorry for the loss of your wife. Thank you for sharing, taking the time to reply and your kind words.

I know when mental health is involved it becomes a bit more complex and there are still times where I have the ‘what ifs’. I know my partner never wanted me to worry and would tell me things would be ok whenever I questioned.. but I can’t still wonder if I had done things differently would it be different and he’d still be here with me.

I completely agree with you about not knowing what grief was and I did not know grief till I experienced it. Never did I imagine how painful it could be and how our world would changed.

I feel because of my age and my partner and I weren’t married and not living together, some would assume that our relationship had not developed to that level of ‘seriousness’. I do get the odd comments about how I’m so young and there’s probably someone else out there for me. I’m sure the comments are coming from a good place but it feels they are brushing off everything I’m feeling and my love for my partner.

In your post, you said you were in a bad place a few years ago, I hope you’re ok and you are holding up ok too during this difficult time. Please reach out anytime you need. 

Take care.

[JosieK]

22 minutes ago, KayC said:

At least it can help us feel still connected to them, so important!

I haven’t had much signs and I wish there’s more but the one I remember clearly is the day of my partner’s funeral, early in the morning, I went to my backyard and I saw a big white feather laying on the ground.. and I thought did he come to see me?