Lost my wife

[patb63]

My wife passed away on 10/30/2021. She had a kidney transplant in 2010 and had fought UTIs since her transplant. We, especially her, fought through all the bouts of sickness, hospital stays, doctor visits, etc., but covid-19 was finally more than her suppressed immune system could handler. We would have been married 42 years this coming March. I struggle with the loneliness and loss of companionship. I still have moments of fog in the brain and bouts of crying, but it has gotten a little better the past couple of weeks. Fortunately, our grown children live close, but it's not the same as having her around.  Did I mention the loneliness?

I came across this site as a resource from a grief counselor. I have read several posts and can relate to a lot of the emotions expressed by folks. I know that someday this pain will become a manageable part of life. Until then, I will, muddle through the days and nights. Thanks to all of you who provide words of encouragement and consolation on here.

[KMkm]

It's a rough road that the surviving spouse has to walk.  You aren't alone.  I found this site by chance. A lot of people have replied to my post and helped me understand that I can get through this.  My wife passed in December from cancer and she was 36.  It is still very hard to deal with but I want to fight to be here.  Think only as far ahead as you feel comfortable.  I try for a few hours or a day.  Don't forget that talking about how you feel and being honest about it helps a great deal.  Cry as much as you want.  I feel better after crying and I do it often.  Come here and read posts from others and people will help you with whatever advice you need. Ask questions about what you can do to try and navigate this.  I'm truly sorry for your loss.  Grief is hard to deal with.  

[KayC]

@patb63  I am so sorry for your loss.  42 years is a long time, quite an adjustment to attempt, from always having that person by your side...to aloneness.  It's been 16 1/2 years for me since losing my soul mate and best friend...we didn't get each other as long as you, yet no time is good to lose them and any time is premature to our way of viewing it.  I'm glad you have kids nearby, I rarely see/hear from mine as they're busy working, my son raising his family.

I'm glad your grief counselor recommended this site, it was a similar site that saved me all those years ago when I did not see how I could survive a week without him, let alone the whole "rest of my life!"  I learned to do one day at a time...in survival mode.  I do it still.  I can't look at the next year or future, only today.

And yet I've learned more on this grief journey than in the rest of my life put together!  We'd give it up in a heartbeat though to have five more minutes with them.  That's our human side, of course we would!  

I hope you'll continue to come here and read/post, it helps process our grief.  I'm glad you have a grief counselor and hope it's one that's a good fit.  Our journeys are unique, as we and our relationships are, yet we have commonalities enough to relate to one another and understand.  This is a family, where we pour out our innermost thoughts/feelings that we don't always even share with our friends/family unless they've been through this (miine had not).  We welcome you here and hope you'll come back..  This is a very caring group you've found!

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Jen H]

So sorry to hear about your loss.  I lost my everything of 22 years four months ago to cancer.  He fought five long years which I'm grateful for but the endless stress and roller coaster of emotions literally drained the hell out of me and caused extreme daily anxiety.  I understand the neverending Dr appts, hospital visits, treatments, procedures, etc.  Having good days with hope to only getting crushed with more bad news.   I went from one nightmare to another.  Two days before he passed, he got the covid booster.  I work in retail management and was always so terrified of him getting it.   Immediately he didn't feel good and two nights later he passed away suddenly.  I believe the shot along with another new treatment killed him suddenly.  To be with someone for 42 years, that's unimaginable to see yourself without her.  How do we get up day after day and not have that one person there who was our everything for so so long?  I'm still trying to process that but I do have to say that it has gotten a little bit better just like you've experienced.  Unfortunately we have to accept we will continue to have crappy days.  Just try and plan for the day.  Don't think too much into the future.  And definitely continue to spend time with your children.  No one knows exactly how it feels to lose your soulmate unless it has happened to them so continue to come here to vent and express what your going through and feeling.  We all understand.

[Gail 8588]

Patb63, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband, of 38 years, nearly 5 years ago.  I still miss him tremendously. I talk to him many times each day still. But I am no longer consumed by my grief everyday.  I am living my life finally, full of joys and sorrows of what is happening today. (As opposed to several years when I was daily reliving the immense sorrow of losing him in 2017.)

Keep muddling through as best you can. Carrying their memory with you does get more manageable eventually.

So sorry you have reason to join us here. 

Gail