Writing

[BBB]

Speaking of grief, trying to deal with it, struggles and coping, I wanted to pass this along. I wrote a book about my wife's and my journey. A memoir of sorts. For me, writing it was extremely cathartic. I would highly recommend it to some here. I will say that there were day where I didn't or couldn't write and reliving it was difficult but I honestly still relive her days frequently. Those days are all in my head and I relive them. Not for everybody but for me, writing about it was helpful.

[Darlene13]

Writing has been helpful to me, too.  A few weeks after he died, I started journaling, writing letters to him just to get my feelings out.  I've started writing about our journey too, and more recently, decided to start writing about signs I've gotten from him and where and when they happened.  I just don't want to forget any of it...memories are all I have left.

[widower2]

Did the same and I think it helped. I always thought I would go back and read it later but I almost never did, it's too hard to read and in some way re-live what I was feeling then and really just don't see the point. And yet I would be upset if it was lost somehow.

[foreverhis]

17 minutes ago, widower2 said:

Did the same and I think it helped. I always thought I would go back and read it later but I almost never did, it's too hard to read and in some way re-live what I was feeling then and really just don't see the point. And yet I would be upset if it was lost somehow.

I didn't write a book, but I started doing stream of consciousness writing in my poetry, fiction ideas, and thoughts computer file.  I also wrote letters to John in a separate file.  Like you, I haven't gone back and read any of it.  As writers, we know that just "getting it out" can be helpful.  I don't do any of that kind of writing much now though. No particular reason; it's just not part of my day to day thinking, I guess. 

I'll tell you what I do.  I talk to friends and family about John.  I am so fortunate to have two small circles around me.  One is full of people who knew John for decades (or his whole life, in the case of his sister), so our shared history with him is really important to all of us.  And so when we talk about the past, present, and future, John is "there" in everything.  The other is newer friends, mostly local, who encourage me to talk about John when I want.  They want to hear about our life before we moved here.  And again, his presence is simply part of the fabric of all of it, of me and our girls, of our life here.  Maybe that's why I don't write my own thoughts so much now.  I have outlets for my grief that help.

[widower2]

That's great; I think any writing can be helpful...like you said, just getting it out can really help. My writing also took various forms: a book (well...a short one which never got out of rough draft; so much for the best-seller list), a journal, and songs. Oddly (and in hindsight it angers me greatly at times), I wrote little of the latter my entire life...until AFTER she was gone. Then all these songs started pouring out. Why the hell didn't I write at least one song about her that she could appreciate while she was here? Surely if I'd thought to do so I could have...but thinking isn't exactly my strong suit. 

So glad you have family and friends to talk about John with. Our "friends" bailed on me and both of our families are a train wreck, so I don't have that, and that really makes it harder at times. There's no one to go "remember that time..." or talk about her sense of humor, her quirky dogs we both loved, some of the funny expressions she had, etc etc.  I think those talks about things like that help keep that person alive in all of us. 

 

 

 

[foreverhis]

3 minutes ago, widower2 said:

I think those talks about things like that help keep that person alive in all of us. 

They do.  I consider it my responsibility to make sure that John's life mattered, to make him live on in us, and to keep telling his and our stories to our granddaughter, who adored him as he adored her. 

When she got pregnant, our daughter's fiance decided he didn't want to be a dad after all.  He bailed almost immediately, leaving our daughter to ashamedly tell us.  After the bit of shock wore off, her dad stepped right up with, "Are you afraid we're mad at you?  You can take that worry right off your mind."  We weren't thrilled to learn she'd be a single mom, but as John said at the time, "Better to show his true colors now, instead of running out later."  And he does pay child support and 1/2 for after school and summer programs. 

Anyway, John embraced being not just a grandpa, but a male role model for our granddaughter, as he had been for our daughter.  After her fiance abandoned her, she told me that she would never again settle for any man who wasn't as good as her dad and that she knew that was a pretty high bar.  I told her that she and I hit the jackpot when it came to her dad.  She and I tell our granddaughter all the loving, silly, and even challenging stories and memories because we want him to live on with her.

John was there full time the first 5 weeks of her life, holding her while she slept, talking to her, showing her the world, and teaching our daughter things like infant stimulating massage that he had learned for her.  It was an amazing bonding time for the three of them.  I couldn't be there because of my surgery, babies coming on their schedule and not ours, and the worst winter weather Seattle/the PNW had seen in 60 years.  He got there, but by the time I could fly, the entire area was shut down.  I am so thankful he was there, even though it was a torturous separation.  We'd never been apart like that, ever, and we never were again. 

I will keep that bond strong for our granddaughter for the rest of my life.

[Jennifer Uren]

On 2/1/2022 at 4:41 PM, Darlene13 said:

I've started writing about our journey too, and more recently, decided to start writing about signs I've gotten from him and where and when they happened.  I just don't want to forget any of it...memories are all I have left.

What a great idea. I’ve been writing a journal to him. I mostly just write about how I miss him, love him, ask him to give me strength. But I never thought about writing about our journey or signs. Great idea

[LMR]

I started writing letters to him in the early days. I would leave it on the table each night in case he was able to come by and read it. I stopped after realizing that I was writing almost the same thin every night whivh basically added up to "I'm sorry, please come home". I haven't read them since but I'm planning on writing down some of his funny stories.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, widower2 said:

And yet I would be upset if it was lost somehow.

I journalled after he died for a long time, but decided to get rid of it as it was too personal for my kids to someday read and as I'm older and don't know when I'll go, I didn't want to take that chance.  Somehow I feel he's inside of me and knows everything I've thought/felt since he died, it's how we were with each other, we could finish each other's sentences.    I don't think I'd want to revisit the utter shock/horror/devastation of those earlier months/years...

Not like I've forgotten.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, LMR said:

I'm planning on writing down some of his funny stories.

II love when people talk to me about him.  My son has a beautiful place in the country, George would be wowed by it.  Recently he mounted George's bow way up on the wall (two stories high room), he said he wanted a place of prominence to honor and remember him...that meant so much!  Paul was 17 when he got him as a stepdad, they became best of friends, someone he could always talk to.  George was lost when Paul went into the Air Force.  George was the best stepdad in the world to both my kids, would have done anything for them.  I remember Paul remarking to me once that he had to be careful what he mentioned to George as he was kind of like, "Your wish is my command!"   I thought it was so sweet, both of them and will never forget the things Paul said at George's funeral.  He wasn't a microphone kind of guy, but he would have made George proud.

[LMR]

53 minutes ago, KayC said:

I remember Paul remarking to me once that he had to be careful what he mentioned to George as he was kind of like, "Your wish is my command!"

That is a lovely memory. Your men clearly had a wonderful relationship.

[Gail 8588]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

I journalled after he died for a long time, but decided to get rid of it as it was too personal for my kids to someday read and as I'm older and don't know when I'll go, I didn't want to take that chance. 

I wrote some things down, in the hope that putting it down on paper would help me let go of those thoughts.  But like you Kay, I would never have wanted my kids to see those words, so I would shred or burn the pages immediately. 

I still think it did some good for my mental health to write them down.  

Gail

[BBB]

Assuming they're adults, what's wrong with your kids seeing it?

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, BBB said:

Assuming they're adults, what's wrong with your kids seeing it?

I can only speak for myself, but there are intimate, private parts of our marriage and love that aren’t meant for anyone else. I don’t just mean sex, though that too.  I don’t want to share with others, not even our daughter, memories that are mine alone.  Some from his final months would bring our girls more pain. Some subjects are simply private, between husband and wife, and no one else’s business.

I’m sure others feel differently and I certainly don’t think they are wrong. 

[Gail 8588]

2 hours ago, BBB said:

Assuming they're adults, what's wrong with your kids seeing it?

BBB, 

Much of what I wrote was during times I was very depressed.  The lens through which I viewed the world was not accurate, but very skewed due to my depression. 

I think it would hurt my boys quite a lot to read how much pain I was in, how abandoned, lost, unworthy I felt, and most of all how guilty I felt for "killing" their dad (by not saving him from the impacts of the stroke).  

I think reading that stuff would only make them feel badly that they had not "been there for me" enough.  When really, they were "there for me"  a lot.  I was just pushing them away, because I felt so undeserving.  These circles of despair can go pretty far down.

Anyway, I don't want them to feel bad for not helping me more, when I don't know that there was anything they could have done to help. 

I made it through, so it all worked out in the end.  I am glad they will never see journals of my lost years.

Just me. Others may feel differently. 

Gail 

[foreverhis]

@Gail 8588  You nailed it.  That is all true of much of my writing then as well.

[KayC]

21 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I still think it did some good for my mental health to write them down.

Me too, it definitely helps us process our grief.  I've heard that women's brains process through talking well griever's brain can through writing. 

BBB, I don't think I need to answer that.

 

[BBB]

Well, my book was written to chronicle what happened. I did not have any super deep, only the two of us should know about this types of things in there.