Lost my soulmate with a lot of complicated feelings.

[bebaline]

She was the other half of my heart. it's hard to explain to anyone who wasn't around us how close our bond was, but we understood each other and moved in perfect sync with one another. we knew all each others cues and body language and she understood so, so much of what I said to her.

i keep accounting for her when she isn't here, going to pick her up out of bed or leaning down to snuggle up to her. It rips me to shreds every time. Having to keep my composure around the other people who are grieving around me but not to the intensity they know I am is difficult. They're all avoiding me because I know the bond I shared with the little lady makes it harder for them to see. 

I think some of the things making this most difficult are the fact that we've almost every single day of the last three or so years together, and the fact that this came about during the phase of life I've felt the most deeply lonely. I lost the only one who consistently and unconditionally loved me for almost half of my life. She was battling cancer for some years now but my mom who took her in to the appointment lied to me about the diagnosis so I only found out that was the issue when I took her to an emergency appointment a little over a week ago. It was implied there that something could have been done earlier on which my mom initially told me was NOT the case and I would have paid anything to have it fixed if I had known. So that's also complicated to process. 

My family has already expressed being worried about this affecting me TOO badly, and I try to believe it won't get there, but it's so hard to believe that this hole in my heart will ever heal. I never have and never will love anything like I loved that sweet girl. We were truly connected. 

This is also the first loss that's been super super close to me I've experienced. I'm autistic and have a hard time processing grief, and this feels like the first time I've had to do it properly. 

[DLeonard]

I am so sorry for your loss and what you're going through.I have been dealing with the same problem for a few yrs.. I wish I could take your pain and grief away..I truly mean what I just said.Lost my soul mate Maggie 5 yrs. ago and I still cry.Then I lost a feral I found walking the streets 3ys ago.He passed on xmas eve. I can't even go in his room without sobbing.I used to work at a shelter for 7 yrs.I've seen cruelty and ignorant behavior that made me cry and angry. I will tell you that you were loved and she KNEW you loved her.

I keep telling myself I could have done more for all my cats even though I've been told I was the best cat mom.I still think I could have done more Your autism makes you extremely special and you are very articulate and well spoken,damn, you're good.You have a very big heart and that's why it breaks easily.In my own opinion the grief over a loss never leaves.We just put it in a place in our head and heart so we can function or try that is..Have you ever thought about writing about you cat? Not here but as poetry or prose.I wrote my 1st essay 4 yrs, ago and found out that i was really good,who knew.  I write about loss and grief.What I wrote made my friends and vet cry which means it hits home.By the way.... I don't lie or patronize because I don't want someone to do it to me,and the other reason is because I'm old and can't remember what I said 10 mins after...lol.I;m married to a great guy who loves cats.and I still feel lonely because most of my cats are gone

Debra..

[KayC]

I am very sorry for both of your losses.
 

I always called my Arlie my soulmate in a dog.  I lost my husband way too young 16 1/2 years ago and have been alone since with my dog and cats, but I began losing them one at a time also.  02/04/09 I saw a picture in the newspaper of a beautiful smiling perky dog and I knew he had to be mine!  I'll spare you the details, posting the links instead (if you're interested) but when he got diagnosed with cancer it felt much like it had when I lost my husband, Arlie wasn't "just a dog," he was my everything.  4 1/2 months later I lost 25 year old Kitty. (I'll post links of her story too).  

Believe me when I tell you, I understand.  They were all I had left, kids grown and gone, don't live here, there is nothing deeper that I know of than our soulmate, and to lose them, well there are no words to describe it. 

 

 

I hope this brings you thoughts of comfort and peace.  I wish there was some way to speed up the adjustment period of learning to live with this, but alas I know of none. 
Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers