Lost since my husband passed away

[Ève Legault]

I lost my husband on january 5th, I feel so lost without him.  I also feel like i’m going crazy waiting desperatly for a sign that is spirit is with me.  My partner Dan was my soûlmate it’s killing me inside, not having a sign that he’s still with me.  

[Jen H]

Sorry to hear about your loss.  I lost mine 4 months ago.  I too desperately ask for signs.  But so far no luck.  I blame his stubbornness.  My past research says to ask for random specific things.  Also it says you really got to pay attention.  Some say they get them, some say they don't.  Don't let it discourage you too much.  My faith believes they are in a better place and are with us.  

[KayC]

@Ève Legault  I am so sorry for your loss.  There's not a one of us that doesn't remember those early days, many are still in them.  I welcome you here and wish so much there was no need.    I hope you will continue to come here to read and post as it helps us process our grief and also helps to know there's others that get it and understand.  You are not alone.

 

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Jennifer Uren]

@Ève Legault I am so sorry for your loss. 11 weeks ago today I lost my fiancé, the love of my life. I felt the same way about wanting a sign and to know his spirit is with me. I believe just as @Jen H said. Ask for specific things and be open to receiving them but don’t get discouraged if they don’t. Watching Ted Talks on grief and stories about Near Death Experiences help me (if there is such a thing). But what has proven to help most is coming here, reading others stories and sharing my own. The people here unfortunately know our specific pain and the constant waves of grief all too well. Feel free to reach out whenever you need to.

[Bill V]

@Ève Legault so sorry for your loss. I have been doing the same thing asking her and God for a sign that she is OK. I did get one message from her, the next morning after her passing I was laying in bed not wanting to get up trying to get the will to get out of bed. While laying there I heard as plain as day in her voice “Bye Bill” I jumped up and tried to talk to her but nothing more. I told this to a friend and he said your mind can play tricks on you but if it makes you feel better then that is good I guess. I will never tell him anything again about my loss. I hope we all get our sign! 

[Jennifer Uren]

I completely believe it was most definitely a sign. It’s just one of those things you know in your heart and if you haven’t experienced it’s hard to believe or easy to dismiss it as your mind playing tricks on you. You know what you felt! You know what you heard. You don’t need anyone to validate it for you. I’m happy for your experience.

[KMkm]

I read a book called Signs.  It was written by Laura Lynn Jackson.  It was a book my late wife read.  My mother in law found it as we cleaned out her clothes so our family and friends could take a piece to remember her by.  She told me that a lot of people found comfort by reading it and so did I.  It talks about the other side and signs.  I pray and beg for signs all the time and I don't get as many as I would like.  I got a few and also a couple dreams.  One day I begged for a sign and told her that I need an obvious one even if she was mad at me.  As I drove home to get my house ready so I could take my kids back the radio shut off and then when it came back on it was playing "Electricity" by Silk City and Dua Lipa, which if you read the lyrics felt like it was directed at me.  Another time was when I begged God to let me hold her and hear her voice again.  I had a dream and in it I got to hug my wife and she told me that God wasn't helping her much and I said God wasn't helping me at all.  It felt so real that I felt better when I woke up.  It takes a lot to get a sign and when I have spoken to people about it they say it takes a lot of energy to send us signs and when we grieve its hard to receive them.  I know it's not easy to ask for signs and not get them but don't give up.  From what I've read, dreaming is a good time to get a sign.  I wish there was an easier way and I would give anything to get another sign.  Small things are hard to notice but try to remember that we might not see the signs that are sent to us all the time.  Look for small things like sequential numbers 222,111.  I asked for elephants and I don't see many but I still have hope.  I hate that I don't see any signs but I know it takes time and when I do eventually see one it makes up for the days without any.  Sorry for the long post but it helps me.  Another late night waiting to fall asleep....hopefully a few hours.  I'll pray for you to get a sign and maybe it will help.

[KayC]

Signs/messages

[William M]

I too ask for a sign constantly . Many times through tears, but none have come to me as  of yet.   Just a 'I'm OK' would change my life, and lift a thousand pounds of grief from my body.    .

 

If only...........................                                                        

[Jennifer Uren]

On 2/3/2022 at 10:32 PM, KMkm said:

read a book called Signs.  It was written by Laura Lynn Jackson.  It was a book my late wife read

Thank you. I want to read this.

[Jennifer Uren]

@William M I understand. I want reassure that Jay is ok too. Maybe it will happen for us one day.

[DonnaM57]

Sorry for your loss,  i lost my husband 5 months ago and i still miss him but I have great support from  family and friends.  Looking for a senior apartment, many applications filled out, a little discouraged.  Let people help you and think positive thoughts and remember the happy memories with your loved one.

[KayC]

I am sorry for YOUR loss as well!  Here you are new to this yourself and trying to help someone else, bless your heart!

Grief Process
 

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

[nannyb50]

I lost my husband last year on march 27th 2020, i am 71 years old, he was in hospice care, the nurse came everyday to check on him, and take his vitals.

when the nurse left i did everything else for him, his bath, made sure he took his meds.  cooked, cleaned everything a wife does, he was in a wheelchair

for 14 years before he got really sick, had many health problems,  He passed away here at our home, because he had at home hospice. our son lives about 5

miles from us. so the day he passed away i was not alone my son was here also, our daughter lives in florida but was able to come the day he passed . she came

a few days later after she could leave with the grandkids. but now i live all alone. and it is so very very hard, i cry so much  being lonely is so hard, and i have no friends here in alabama, i know no one, because we lived in pa for all but 5 years. i do have neighbors but they are all younger then i am, and they do not speak to me . i have waved to them when they go by our house, but maybe because u am old, they don't want to bother with some one my age? so i really am all alone, my son does come and check on me, and takes me to his house every sunday for dinner. my daughter it is hard for her to come often with the grandkids in school and she has a full time job, and so does her husband. but they come to visit when ever they can, but she does call me every day to check on me. so i have no idea what to do with my self with no one to talk to most of the time, living alone is so very hard. i wonder some days is it worth getting out of bed. well enough said about my self.

[KMkm]

I hope that the people around you get to know you better.  Is there a support group that might meet or do activities?  You can ask for help so don't feel like a burden.  Maybe your son could make a routine to just stop by everyday or two and visit for an amount of time that feels comfortable.  If your neighbour's live close then maybe just go say hi and introduce yourself.  I'm not very good at advice and I know it's difficult for me to interact with people.  Grief is hard to deal with for anyone but take it one day at a time and try to stay motivated even though it's difficult at times.  Your husband is with you in spirit and try to take comfort in knowing that we aren't alone.  I lost my wife last Dec and she was 36 and I'm only 44 just to let you know.  I don't feel her presence but I have to believe that her spirit is with me and the kids.  Post on here as much as you want even the smallest post can help.   I hope you have a better day and let us know how you are doing.

[KayC]

12 hours ago, nannyb50 said:

I lost my husband last year on march 27th 2020

I am so sorry.  I wish you lived in my neighborhood, the sense of community is one of the reasons I still live here, I love the nature and wildlife too but the neighbors are amazing.  I get out and walk my dog every day and sometimes talk to the neighbors on my walks.  I'll be 70 this year so I can relate.  My son lives three hours away and hasn't been here for over two years, and always in/out, never staying or spending time with me.  My daughter it's been over a year, two years before that.  They don't call.  I'm glad your son gives you something to look forward to.  It's hard for them to realize how it is, esp. in Covid times, when their lives are so full and they're never alone.  I hope, now that you've found this place, you'll come here every day to read/post, it helps, it really does.

I met the love of my life in my mid-40s at the end of my marriage to my kids' dad, it was a very hard time, I was trying to get him to connect with me but he wouldn't, and then he divorced me.  Meeting George was so unexpected and uncanny how we connected, felt each other, related, understood each other, with amazing communication, about three years later we married...then suddenly, 6 1/2 years after meeting him, he was gone.  It shocked me.  We were supposed to grow old together!  That was over 16 1/2 years ago.  I'm growing old alone.

We welcome you here and want to be here for you if you want us to.  Here we pour our hearts out and truly understand and care about each other.  

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.