Members VICNIC Posted January 30, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 30, 2022 Lost my husband of 41 years 2 months ago from covid. Trying to deal with it 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Gail 8588 Posted January 30, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 30, 2022 Vicnic, I am so sorry for your loss. Covid seems so terribly random sometimes. It is especially hard when it keeps people from being with their loved one. All of us on this site have lost the love of their life. Our circumstances may be different, but the pain, anger, confusion, guilt, loneliness we all feel is something we share. For people who have not gone through this, they often don't understand the depth of our loss. Here we get it. I hope you will come back and post as you feel the need. Just reading the posts of others often helps us feel less alone. I am so sorry you have reason to join us on this journey none of us wants to be on, but welcome. Gail 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 30, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted January 30, 2022 I think we all felt that way, it's the hardest journey I've ever been on and nothing prepares us for this. I am so sorry for your loss, it's the hardest thing in the world to lose our person. I want to welcome you here and hope you'll continue to come here and read and post, it helps us process our grief and to know we're not alone and other get it and understand. It helps us know we haven't lost our minds (yet) and this is normal for grief. COVID-19 and Grief COVID-19 Grief Guide This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members VICNIC Posted January 30, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted January 30, 2022 Thank u 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Loriii Posted January 31, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 I'm so sorry for your loss, VICNIC. Like what Gail has said, covid is sometimes random. Some have recovered, some have unfortunately not. It really sucks when you least expect it and it happens to your loved one. I know how you feel. I just lost my partner 3 weeks ago at an early age. I was shocked and I really did not imagine that it will happen. Everyone in this site knows how you feel. They have been or have gone through the same path. Please feel free and don't hesitate to share your story, your thoughts and how you are feeling. 41 years being with him was a lot and surely full of memorable things. I understand you. Hope you find some comfort in coming here. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post VICNIC Posted January 31, 2022 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 I met JR when we were 18 in Oct. We got engaged a month later and married that June. I feel like a 1/2 of myself is gone. I still think he's gonna come through that door. We both had covid the same time. I was in the hospital twice ,he wouldn't go to the hospital. I pleaded with him. I was to sick to agrue. Finally after being sick a couple weeks he finally went. My son in law took him cause I was still sick. He was in 8 days on the 8th day the dr called and said could he put him on ventilator. I said do what u have to do to bring him home. 1/2 hr later hospital called and said when they went to put him on ventilator he had cardiac arrest. My world changed at that moment. I really don't know how I'm gonna make it through this. One minute I feel a little stronger and the next I feel like I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown. I've lost 2 other people since JR. 1 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Loriii Posted January 31, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 44 minutes ago, VICNIC said: I met JR when we were 18 in Oct. We got engaged a month later and married that June. I feel like a 1/2 of myself is gone. I still think he's gonna come through that door. We both had covid the same time. I was in the hospital twice ,he wouldn't go to the hospital. I pleaded with him. I was to sick to agrue. Finally after being sick a couple weeks he finally went. My son in law took him cause I was still sick. He was in 8 days on the 8th day the dr called and said could he put him on ventilator. I said do what u have to do to bring him home. 1/2 hr later hospital called and said when they went to put him on ventilator he had cardiac arrest. My world changed at that moment. I really don't know how I'm gonna make it through this. One minute I feel a little stronger and the next I feel like I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown. I've lost 2 other people since JR. I'm sorry about what happened to JR. I honestly could feel you. I lost my partner just early this month. I felt half of me died that day. Whenever I see the door or the house's main gate, I still believe she's gonna come through there one day like she just came from work and greet me "Hi hon, how are you? It's been a tiring day.". I miss her calling me "hon". Her sweet voice saying that keeps playing in my mind in random times. It just feel so sad thinking that I'd never hear that again, like forever. Like JR, she had a cardiac arrest (due to diabetes complications) and was put on a ventilator then went into coma for days, but it was too late. She wouldn't wake up anymore. It sucks. It feels like my heart was torn to pieces and whenever I remember her, everything feels like it is repeating, and my heart is being torn into pieces again. I cannot be whole. I feel exactly how you've been feeling right now. Please just keeping hanging in there. You aren't alone in your journey. Don't isolate yourself. Try to speak with friends and family that really understand what you're going through. Those people that won't get tired of hearing you. That won't get tired of listening to your stories about JR. This community will support and embrace your grief. We appreciate you telling your story. Please take care and watch your health too. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post VICNIC Posted January 31, 2022 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 Thank u. My dr. Suggested a support group but the nearst one is an hr away. So I found this group. It's nice to have people who know how you're feeling. I'm sorry about everyone's loss. It is terrible. 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jen H Posted January 31, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 So sorry you are going through this with all of us. Wow to meet so young, marry so fast, and be together for 41 years. You two definitely had a true love story. To lose that from covid is such a shame. Why it spares some and takes others is a mystery just like cancer. I lost the love of my life for 22 years 4 months ago to cancer. Pretty much my whole adult life, almost as long as you. Waking up everyday to this neverending nightmare without my everything feels so overwhelming and dreadful. Ive been through so much in my 46 years of living but this is by far the worst time of my life. I can't even think about the future. Just worry about getting through each day the best I can. You definitely found a great support group here. I come here daily and these people have helped me tremendously. We all understand and are here to listen and support you anyway we can! 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members VICNIC Posted January 31, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 Thank you. That's what I'm trying to do get through 1 day at a time. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 31, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 2 hours ago, VICNIC said: My dr. Suggested a support group but the nearst one is an hr away. I had the same problem only even further. Years later I started a support group in my town but everything closed due to Covid. I hope to start it back up when things calm down. It is a grief forum like this that saved me, literally, when I went through this 16 1/2 years ago...I'm still there today but it doesn't get much traffic. However it has a wonderful adm/mod who is a retired grief counselor with a degree in thanatology and I have learned so much from her over the years! I often post her articles and have quite a collection gathered. She is my mentor and I consider her a friend. I want so much to be here for others going through this and I know the mods here have day jobs and limited time. One day at a time is how I still do this. The Bible says not to worry about tomorrow (my forte ) that each day has enough trouble of it's own. I've found that to be true and wise to live by. I can't take on the whole "rest of my life" or even the next week, so it's one day at a time. I can do today. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post VICNIC Posted January 31, 2022 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 Yes I'm trying. The night JR died my granddaughter 16 and my grandson 18 said "pappy" came to them and said about the same thing to both. That he saw the lights,he was fine and not to worry about him. 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jen H Posted January 31, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 Yes my faith believes that very thing. I'm not worried about him. I know he is in a better place and no longer suffering. It's us that is suffering. One day we will be with them again. Glad you have family there for you. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post VICNIC Posted January 31, 2022 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 Its funny how things work out. Jr had built us a big house years ago. We just sold it last year and put a doublewide on our daughter's ground. She lives 45 min.from us. I'm just thankful for how it worked out. Jr had a 3 bay garage full of tools that he had to go though. Plus all the rooms had to be cleaned out. I never would have been able to do this by myself. I'm on disability have had 13 surgeries. So I believe God had it worked out that I wouldn't have to deal with that on top of his passing. Plus I have my daughter and grandkids right here. 2 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jen H Posted January 31, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 That's great that you're thinking of positive things during you're most difficult time and have family around you. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members VICNIC Posted January 31, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 I'm trying 1 minute ok the next crying. It's crazy 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jen H Posted January 31, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 Yes same here. Just when I think I'm doing better, I have a breakdown. I just try to have better days, not good days. It seems unrealistic to except that so early on. I believe we never get over it. We just learn to live with it somehow, someday. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members VICNIC Posted January 31, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 I hope I can. Thank u for the words 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted January 31, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 @VICNIC I'm glad it worked that way for you too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jennifer Uren Posted January 31, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 @VICNIC I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I lost my fiancé 11 weeks ago today. He had Covid but then 3 hospital acquired infections. He was a nurse. He also didn’t want to go to the hospital initially. He tested negative several days after being admitted so I was able to stay with him in the hospital. He was in there for over 64 days before we decided enough suffering was enough. He was intubated for the last half of his hospital stay. I learned a lot while I was there. One because he was a nurse and taught me and two because I never left his side and asked 100 questions a day. I had it in my head that the more I understand the better my chance of saving him. I unfortunately was not able to save him. He was 50 years old. We both have kids from previous marriages 12, 15, 17,&19. This has proven to be the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. This forum has been my saving grace. Lots of good advice and compassion from people who truly understand. You coming here and sharing your story helps me just as I hope I can help you. Please keep coming and feel free to reach out to me if needed. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members VICNIC Posted January 31, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 I'm sorry. It's so sad. You wonder some people recover and some never do. I have a brother in law in his 70s in rehab now from covid and lost another lady I know on Fri from covid. It's just not fair for someone so young to not make it. Hugs 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jennifer Uren Posted January 31, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 Thank you for reaching out. I had a lot of guilt because I had it at the same time as well (although my first test was negative) so I expected him to follow the same path as me. I never went to the hospital and started feeling better after several days. I assumed he would too. It’s just devastating! I miss him so much. But I think I would be just as devastated having lost him in any way. Hugs to you and sorry for your losses. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members VICNIC Posted January 31, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 I was sick for 3 weeks went to hospital twice. Irony is I told JR I didn't think I was gonna make it. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jennifer Uren Posted January 31, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 That is ironic. I’m so glad you got better. I hate JR and Jay did not. It’s heartbreaking. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Loriii Posted January 31, 2022 Members Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 5 hours ago, VICNIC said: Its funny how things work out. Jr had built us a big house years ago. We just sold it last year and put a doublewide on our daughter's ground. She lives 45 min.from us. I'm just thankful for how it worked out. Jr had a 3 bay garage full of tools that he had to go though. Plus all the rooms had to be cleaned out. I never would have been able to do this by myself. I'm on disability have had 13 surgeries. So I believe God had it worked out that I wouldn't have to deal with that on top of his passing. Plus I have my daughter and grandkids right here. It's nice to hear that you that he had that worked for you and that you don't have to deal with them. Your daughter and grandkids are your strength, so try to be always there for each other. Find happiness whenever they're around. Also, I hope you find happiness on the little things that you do. Like everyone is sayin here, just one day a time. Small steps, and appreciate those little improvements. "One minute okay and the next crying", this sounds like me as well. It's not crazy. Let it out if you have to. It'll help make you feel good. I've cried many times yesterday at the most random times. 4 hours ago, Jen H said: I believe we never get over it. We just learn to live with it somehow, someday. This is something to think about, like maybe in time, we learn to embrace grief and live with it. It's easier to say and understand, but extremely hard to do. For now, I still cannot imagine the thought of living my life without her. When I woke up yesterday, I walked through the main door and looked outside to see a bright, sunny day. The sky was so blue. I remember and pictured us walking outside, going out during the early days holding each other's hands. Having that feeling of complete happiness because we're together, no matter what you do and where you go. A few minutes later I was back to reality, and felt like my days have never been as bright anymore, even during sunny days. Maybe someday, I can live with it. Hopefully. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members VICNIC Posted January 31, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted January 31, 2022 Yes I don't think I'll ever get over it. Hugs 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bill V Posted February 1, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 1, 2022 Hi Vicnic I’m so glad you found this forum, it the short time I have been here it has helped me so much. I’m only 2 months into this grieving so just a newbie myself. I signed up for a group called Grief share a local church sponsors it and it lasts i day week for 13 weeks. You only pay $15 for the work book. But sense I have not gone before I’m only going on what others have told me about it. Hang in there. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members VICNIC Posted February 1, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted February 1, 2022 Thank u 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators Popular Post KayC Posted February 1, 2022 Moderators Popular Post Report Share Posted February 1, 2022 15 hours ago, Loriii said: It's easier to say and understand, but extremely hard to do. For sure. And I hate that young people experience this. I've learned life is not fair. 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members VICNIC Posted February 1, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted February 1, 2022 No its not 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post Jennifer Uren Posted February 1, 2022 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted February 1, 2022 21 hours ago, Loriii said: A few minutes later I was back to reality, and felt like my days have never been as bright anymore, even during sunny days. Maybe someday, I can live with it. Hopefully. I experience this frequently. The beauty of a sunny day reminds me of a happy simple time and for a few brief seconds the pain is gone because in that moment I’m living in the past (for lack of a better expression) and forget my reality. Then it hits me like a hard kick to the gut and I’m reminded of the horrible reality that those sunny days with my perfect man by my side are gone. The days keep going, just with less joy. I do not believe that time heals all wounds. I will never be “healed.” I am forever changed but I am hopeful that I will experience joy again. 2 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jennifer Uren Posted February 1, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 1, 2022 16 hours ago, Bill V said: signed up for a group called Grief share a local church sponsors it and it lasts i day week for 13 weeks. You only pay $15 for the work book We have grief share where I live as well. Unfortunately they do it on Thursday nights only and I work those nights. I know a couple people who have gone and found it to be beneficial. Maybe I could just purchase the workbook and do it on my own or possibly start a thread with the exercises the workbook suggests. I am open to absolutely anything that helps me work through my grief. I never learned coping skills as a child and find it hard to deal with less traumatic issues let alone the loss of my forever person. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Bill V Posted February 1, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 1, 2022 @Jennifer Uren you can find the works on EBay I saw several people selling them. 1 minute ago, Bill V said: @Jennifer Uren you can find the works on EBay I saw several people selling them. I meant to say workbooks 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jennifer Uren Posted February 1, 2022 Members Report Share Posted February 1, 2022 Thank you for this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members VICNIC Posted February 5, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted February 5, 2022 The funeral home just send me a sympathy card yesterday they received in Dec. It opened up the flood gates again. JR passed in Nov and some days it seems like a lifetime ago. I hate it. I'm struggling with the why him question.Only 60 talking about what he was gonna do when he retired. The pain is unbearable someday. I know u all understand . 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 5, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted February 5, 2022 Yes we do, I'm sorry they waited so long to pass it on! My husband couldn't even think about retiring, he was so young and felt he had a lot of living yet to do. We had dreamed of having an RV and traveling to see parts of the US...never got to. Would not be the same alone. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members VICNIC Posted February 5, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted February 5, 2022 We bought an rv last year to do same thing. Never even got to use it. Hugs 2 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 6, 2022 Moderators Report Share Posted February 6, 2022 I'm sorry. I gave our trailer to my son. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members VICNIC Posted February 9, 2022 Author Members Report Share Posted February 9, 2022 IWe bought an rv last year to do same thing. Never 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now