Life's little ironies...or maybe a sign

[foreverhis]

Hi everyone.  So here's a little weirdness from yesterday.

I was driving to my orthopedist's office to get the results from my arthrogram and MRI from the day before.  It took three freaking months from the time my bicep tendon tore to get to this, but that's a different discussion.  Now, it wasn't as if I was going to get cancer biopsy results or anything like that, but it was still scary:  Would I need surgery?  Would it even be possible?  Was there more damage to my shoulder than I thought?  I'm a leftie and it's my left arm, will I ever get my strength back?  All these thoughts were rushing around in my head.

I turned on the radio thinking, "Hey, nice distraction for the brain, but I sure wish John was here with me."  Now here's the weirdness or irony or maybe a sign.  These are the songs that played, one after the other and I think in this order:

"Miss You Like Crazy"

"Missing You" (Lionel Richie)

"Ain't No Sunshine"

"Someone Like You" (not Adele; the other one)

"Angel"

Naturally, I pull into the parking lot, turn off the engine, and sit there with my head lowered onto the steering wheel thinking, "Oh, sure, great distraction!"  Then "Honey, was that you?  Are you telling me you miss me too?"  I'm guessing the DJ might have been having one of those days and played stuff he/she could relate to as well, but it was still a strange coincidence. 

But wait!  There's more!  Last night, John was in my dreams.  I don't remember what exactly, the specifics faded quickly this morning.  But it wasn't a nightmare or "bad," just something challenging.  I don't have many dreams of him, at least not that I recall, so it was unusual.   The capper today was Eric Clapton's acoustic "Tears in Heaven," which never fails to bring the tears.

Really, talk about songs affecting us!  I've been a bit of a mess today, which isn't surprising I suppose.  Coincidence?  Irony?  A sign?  I just don't know.

 

[Imissmike]

It was totally him!!  

[Gail 8588]

Foreverhis, 

7 hours ago, foreverhis said:

. . . Coincidence?  Irony?  A sign?  I just don't know.

Foreverhis, 

I don't know, but I'd take as John trying to send a message of comfort and support.

Hope the doctor had good news for you. 

Gail 

[foreverhis]

Thanks Gail.  I know John has sent signs in the past, usually when I'm really upset or stressed.  I guess it wouldn't be surprising.

The news could have been better, but wasn't as bad as it might have been.  Because of the way it tore, reattaching the tendon is not an option.  It's the long tendon that keeps the bicep in place in the front, is the one that tears in 90% of cases, and only accounts for 15% or so of arm strength.  I only figured out that's what had happened when my bicep was all "bunched" up like Popeye after 2 weeks.  It's actually called "the Popeye deformity" and it can only be caused by that specific injury.  (BTW, I'm telling you that housework is a dangerous business.  I was holding a darn duster and reaching across the windowsill when it tore.  Seriously.  I feel I need a better story than that, like "I was fighting off a midnight invader," but no, I get "I was dusting.") 

Thanks to our medical system, it took this long to finally get the detailed testing.  I have to say the arthrogram prep was weird.  Dye is injected directly into the shoulder capsule.  It's x-ray guided, so the radiologist kept checking and marking me with a special pen (and yes, he confirmed it was the correct shoulder).  Then lidocaine to numb the area and a needle guided all the way in.  It didn't hurt, but the pressure was uncomfortable.  The only "problem" is that my skin is reacting to either the dye or the lidocaine so I have an itchy rash around the injection bruise.  Charming.

Fortunately, my rotator cuff is not torn.  Unfortunately, it has "thinning" and a cyst in the area above where the bicep tendon attaches.  Plus, there's a fragment of the bicep tendon still in there and it's causing "snapping" and a bit of inflammation.

The rest of my shoulder, including the primary bicep tendon, is in good shape.  I have a few options.  One is physical therapy, which my orthopedist recommended to start, even if we end up doing surgery on the rotator cuff and tendon fragment.  I agreed to that so that my other muscles can be as strong as possible and my bicep can start to "ease" down over time.  The second option is surgery to reinforce my rotator cuff (apparently, they literally attach a layer of dense collagen to it), remove the tendon fragment, and reduce or remove the cyst.  I suspect I will end up having surgery, but not for a few months.

I do have quite a bit of pain, but not constant, and some tingling and numbness down my arm, but that's typical with my auto immune conditions, so it's just more than usual.  My orthopedist is right up front about things and doesn't push for surgery, which I appreciate.  He's the same one who is taking care of my knee, which will need replacement at some point, but is being delayed by the PT he sent me to last year.  Anyway, he said that even if we do surgery, it's unlikely to be "perfect" again.  I told him that at my age and the way I've abused my body with swimming, dance, gardening, and on and on, I don't expect perfect.  All I want to know is if it will be better.  He said that yes, PT and then surgery would improve it significantly, with the usual caveats about the risks of any surgery.

So there's my recent shoulder saga.  As I write this out, I realize it's not at all surprising that my stress over it would come to a head after 3 months of uncertainty.  John has most definitely sent me signs before, but that was mainly in the first year, but I know that they can sometimes "reach through" somehow when we need them most.  I just miss him so damn much sometimes that I have moments where it feels like the first day without him.

[Loriii]

I've read everything and even though it's too technical and lots of medical terms to take, I wish your shoulder well. I hope you don't need surgery or anything. Hope you recover either way, and stop feeling the pain anymore. John is definitely showing you those signs and giving you support wherever he is. That's really sweet though, with the way the songs played. I would have probably end up crying really hard myself if I'm in the same situation. I know "Missing you like Crazy, "Missing you, "Ain't no sunshine and "Angel" Wasn't sure of "Someone like You" because you said it wasn't from Adele. My partner used to sing, likes to sing when she was still here and she sounds like an angel. I remember those times when she sings randomly while working and I could hear it from the other room. It was sweet to remember now and yet sad because I'd no longer hear her voice. Eric Clapton is an awesome artist and "Tears in Heaven" is one of my favorite songs. Now, I'm literally crying when I remember the tune and try to go along with it. No, no not yet. I don't want to hear those kind of songs. But yeah, going back. I wish you well physically. Please update us whatever happens.

[foreverhis]

10 hours ago, Loriii said:

I wish you well physically. Please update us whatever happens.

Thank you so much.  I will update when I know more.

I do prefer to believe it was John giving me a sign that he's not "here," but he's still here for me.  I feel him in my life, so he's definitely present.

If you can handle it, this is the "Someone Like You" that I meant.

Van Morrison "Someone Like You"

[KayC]

I'm glad the songs spoke to you and when they did, it sounds like you needed it then!  And I'm also glad you've finally got some answers, medically.  It's been 13+ months I've had my medical situation and still no answers, have a consultation with a gastroenterologist in April, who knows when I'll get the scope or answers, not sure I want to know at this point.

[Loriii]

6 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Thank you so much.  I will update when I know more.

I do prefer to believe it was John giving me a sign that he's not "here," but he's still here for me.  I feel him in my life, so he's definitely present.

If you can handle it, this is the "Someone Like You" that I meant.

Van Morrison "Someone Like You"

It's really nice to hear that you believe and that you feel John in your life. That you can feel he's still there for you even if not physically present. I'm just trying to endure everyday the feeling without Catherine. I feel weak. I lost my strength and my protector. I could no longer feel that she's still here. I talk to her every now and then. The memories are still fresh, but I couldn't feel her. Sometimes, I feel like I'm seeing the signs but it's probably just my assumptions. My mind trying to believe. Thank you, I just couldn't do it so I googled the lyrics, Like you with John, I thought of Catherine exactly. I've already found that someone in her. It just sad that I had to lose that someone so early in my life. Sorry that I had to write all of that. 

Please recover. I'll be praying for you. Please stay positive and continue to believe that your shoulder (and your knee) will be better. You will be better.

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, Loriii said:

I'm just trying to endure everyday the feeling without Catherine. I feel weak. I lost my strength and my protector. I could no longer feel that she's still here. I talk to her every now and then. The memories are still fresh, but I couldn't feel her.

In the beginning, we are in so much shock and pain that maybe it's not possible to feel them.  I didn't.  I talked to John through sobs often, but I didn't sense his presence.  Perhaps it's because the memories are still fresh for you that your heart and mind focus on them.  Over time, maybe you will feel her now and then.  I know my heart wasn't open to anything at first.  I'm sure it's different for everyone; everything about this grief is unique to each of us.

[Loriii]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

In the beginning, we are in so much shock and pain that maybe it's not possible to feel them.  I didn't.  I talked to John through sobs often, but I didn't sense his presence.  Perhaps it's because the memories are still fresh for you that your heart and mind focus on them.  Over time, maybe you will feel her now and then.  I know my heart wasn't open to anything at first.  I'm sure it's different for everyone; everything about this grief is unique to each of us.

This is exactly how I am feeling right now. I talk to her and cry. There were nights when I ask her to hug and watch me over during my sleep. I couldn't sense her. Of course, I know she wouldn't. I'm being realistic that things wouldn't happen just as I requested. Guess, it is a feeling that I'm longing for at that moment. Thank you for you insight and for telling me your experience. It gives me hope, at least.

Please take good care.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, foreverhis said:

In the beginning, we are in so much shock and pain that maybe it's not possible to feel them.

I think there's definitely truth to this.  Also, I was always an avid pray-er, have even taught classes in it.  When George died, it felt like God was a million miles away.  After about a year I realized it's not that God disappeared on ME but that I couldn't see through the grief fog I was in.  It's like everything in my life was through a grief filter.  Hang in there, everyone!

[tnd]

Maybe our loved ones do bring us songs over the radio. Maybe we had certain emotions that we wanted to let out but hadn't before or not quite in this way and we finally allowed our eyes to fill up. Although a little different, I've been thinking of listening to songs my husband liked but that I didn't. Why? Because it was normal for us to listen along with each other no matter the song or music being played. That way we took turns and kept the peace. So now I've got to listen to some Steely Dan...thanks a lot, Honey.