How to move forward.

[ItsTim]

Hello, new here. Not sure if this has been covered. My wife died 5 years ago. It's still very difficult but I'm coping.  Being the husband, I haven't changed anything in our house.  I don't know how to move forward with those things.  All the same pictures are still up. What is one supposed to do? I want to move forward but I don't want to take all of our pictures down.

I'm at a loss. Hopefully someone has walked this walk before me.

 

Thank you.

[Dawn Wms]

It has been nearly two years and I still have my husband's clothes in his drawers.  I haven't changed anything in the house.  I don't think it matters.  When the time comes you will know, but if there is no urge on your part to change things then, why?  I left my husband's wallet and keys in the same spot for at least a year.  Then I just moved them.  And some things, like his slippers, I want to leave just where they were.  I don't believe you have to do anything until you feel a reason to.  There is no schedule that is appropriate other than that which we feel is right.  If you really feel a need to move forward a bit, is there someone who could help you "refresh" things.  A new arrangement of the pictures might be nice.  But I don't think it is required.  It is up to you what feels right, but this might be one way to move a little without getting rid of memories you want to keep.  I am so sorry for your loss and I understand.  

[KayC]

I'm not sure what you mean by "move forward" unless you mean dating?  I don't know of another reason one would feel compelled to take the pictures down.  I still have ours up and intend to keep them that way.  But I was 52 when I lost him, I'll be 70 this year...makes a difference.

10 hours ago, Dawn Wms said:

I don't think it matters. 

I don't either, it's a very individual and personal decision.  I donated most of his clothes to Sponsor's, an organization that I know he would have supported, but will always hold onto his bathrobe and hug it when I most need him.

[Loriii]

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my partner just more than 3 weeks ago. I didn't know how I was able to endure those 22 days, let alone 5 years. If you don't want to take down her pictures, then don't. You can probably rearrange the house like maybe one room at a time or just the bedroom or the part where you most spend time. It could be just minimal change or you could drastically change it. It's up to your preference or how you want things to stay in their old places. If you really to do something about the pictures, maybe you could put them in another room like "This is where our pictures go" and display them them or keep them and put everything in an album or something then place that album in a table in your bedroom or wherever you feel like. It also depends if you want to see those pictures or not.

[ItsTim]

Thank you. I don't feel I need to do anything, as I said it's been 5 years.  I'm just looking for tips on how to do things.

I'm 42, dating again and at some point life will be different. I want to adjust to this new life. 

I will always have pictures of us, but that also doesn't have to be the major focus of the house. 

 

Just wondering if others have had ways they've dealt with it.

Again, thank you all for your input.

[KayC]

I don't know if you've seen them, I share them when people come here new, but here are the ones I've gleaned over the years (16 1/2 years at grief sites)...

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.