Feeling intense guilt and responsibility over partners tragic death…

[Jasmine7908]

I posted just a brief post days ago and got some really supportive responses so have decided to post the full details of what I’m experiencing, in hopes I can get some support in the hardest time of my life. If anyone has the patience to read this and has any insight or experience that may be able to help me make it through.

My partner and I were SO in love… very few issues at all besides his insecurities/jealousy that did not stem from me but a very traumatic past. But we were happy! The week leading up to Thanksgiving he was struggling inside with some very intense losses of loved ones and almost dying from Covid… he also used alcohol to deal with the pain from his past and to sleep. This was never an issue really, as he was a very hard worker, amazing father and partner… so I accepted it was just who he was and loved him unconditionally. When he got Covid and was in the hospital for a while unable to drink and fighting for his life, it brought up a lot of stuff for him because for the first time had no way to numb his demons and just was fighting for his life…

I helped him recover… took care of his son, home, so much to help him get bette… he came home and was still recovering but getting there. He didn’t want to start drinking again… we had a pact to not drink, for me that was easy but for him a real challenge. 
His mother had passed earlier in the year… it really effected him.. I was by his side the best I knew how… In early November he lost his best friend to an overdose, and I really saw his mental health decline after that. I was with him.. support in any way I could but he was so used to this in his life he always put on a strong front so thought he was ok…

I was the most loyal, loving partner to him.. I had never loved any man like this before and even though our pasts were different we respected and appreciated that about each other. So a few days before Thanksgiving when he started to accuse me of being on a secret app to talk to people I got mad.. the year and a half of our relationship he had consistently got mad if I missed his call.. didn’t text back quickly..fell asleep without calling to say goodnight on a rare occasion…be online in the morning before texting him good morning.. talking about my exes..etc… I always was understanding that it was his issues and not about me and reassure him, but it did wear on me knowing how true I was. So the following day I went to his house for a bit, then when I said I was heading home to my daughter instead of staying the night he got really upset.. he said he needed me… I told him I was a little upset that I was woken up to those texts in the middle of the night and just wanted to be with my daughter, but that I would talk to him later in the evening. He put his gun in my car… which I didn’t know how to take.. if he was suicidal or wanted me to feel bad, I still don’t know… I just calmly left… texted him a few times through the evening which he ignored. At 1am that night I woke up to a picture of his destroyed kitchen saying **** the world, how bout that!!! And then a couple of hours of texts saying I had deceived him, he had seen a text from a guy friend saying  someone asked about me I responded just politely, because I’m a grown 40 year old woman not a teenager.. he was mad I didn’t say I have a man!!! I told him I see where he’s coming from but I am loyal!! True!! Always!! He went on and on how I’m just like all the other women who fucked him over…that lucky I had his gun or he’d kill himself and I’d have to tell his son why he didn’t have his dad anymore!!! But he has other ways… that I’d have to wear that for life!! I tried to calmly reply as much as I could, knowing he was wasted… told him thus is so unfair after being there for him loving him and his family unconditionally! I have no guilty conscience! That I have so much that’s heavy on my mind and heart with my daughter as well and this is so unfair! So this went on for a couple hours…. The next morning he still was upset… I went to his house to pick up some things and check on him… he apologized and said it happened because he hadn’t been drinking in so long and was so so sorry… I spent some time with him the following 2 days.. he wanted to get help.. not be like this.. had so much trauma.. didn’t want to lose me… I told him I forgave him and he needed to follow up with counseling after Thanksgiving. He said he would. Things were OK… he wasn’t drinking if I was with him. I went home to my daughter , and was so relieved to finally be alone to really think about all of this… wanting him to be ok and also so overwhelmed with what had happened and all he had said to me. I didn’t know if this was a healthy place to be and needed to be grounded and strong for things my daughter was going through… and didn’t know if I could balance it all or not.. I wanted him to do something for himself and it not all be on me for his peace… it was weighing so heavy on me. So the next morning I told him I was still feeling off and feeling hurt and confused.. that a day or two to think on things isn’t a big deal but I didn’t want to ruin anyone’s Thanksgiving… so wasn’t sure what to do. He said he thought I forgave him!!! He was so sorry!! He didn’t want to lose me! I told him I do forgive you I just need some time. He showed up to my house… trying to hug me and begging me for forgiveness… I wouldn’t embrace him told him I do forgive you, I just need some time!!!!!! I was drained and so overwhelmed I felt totally shut down:( So he left… he said he’d go to his friends for Thanksgiving, and I could have one on one time with my Dad. I said ok. Early evening he started texting me I was being so distant and he knew we were done.. hopefully whoever I was with was worth it.. that I was probably at the bar.. I sent him a pic of me at the grocery store… he kept bringing up my exes.. that they should be blocked…that I forgive everyone but him.. I replied I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone I just don’t know right now, I need a break from all this intensity! I am dealing with my own stuff too!!! What about me!?? I kept as calm as I could.. could tell he was drinking a bunch… kept begging him to stop drinking that we would talk in the morning.. he kept wanting to fight.. that he was begging and I sent him away… I said I don’t know how to deal with all of this intensity please please lets talk in the morning, I love you, I’m feeling sick from all this and I’m done, then silenced my phone to try to get some peace. I got a call a few hours later that I better call my bf because he had gotten into a fight and left the bar.. I called him… he was wasted I could tell… I begged him to pull over, that I was on my way to him!!! Where was he!? I’m coming right now… 3 minutes begging him… He said he was coming to me but I could tell he wouldn’t make it…then the call dropped. I called over and over and over..20 minutes later arrived at the accident scene :( The rest is a blur… and here I am 2 months later just trying to survive every day… the heartbreak, the GUILT.. all of it is so so overwhelming that I truly do not know how to make it through this. I never ever thought I would be here and really hoping for some help… thank you for listening..

[Jen H]

Thanks for telling your story.  So sorry and heartbreaking to read it.  We all have guilt, regrets, what ifs.  It's completely normal.  You did what you thought best for your own well being.  All you gave him was unconditionally love and support.  Unfortunately his own choices led to his untimely and tragic passing.  It sounds like you did all you could for him.  Now you have to wake up everyday to this neverending nightmare.  We all know what you're going through.  We all are going through it along with you, just different stories but still the same pain and suffering.  It's been almost four months for me.  I've just been trying to get through each day the best I can.  There's bad days, worse days, and better days but still I get through them all, so far, somehow.   We are all here to listen, understand, and support you.  

 

[Jasmine7908]

Thank you Jen! So much for replying and your words. I am sorry for your loss as well!

[catcat]

Wow.. So I grew up around heavy alcoholics, both family and friends, many severely abusive.. (Not that he was)  Also grew up around mental health issues, bipolar, manic depressive, psychosis, people going in and out of mental health facilities over it.....

It is not your fault, in any way. It is obvious he was in pain, struggling, and coping how he could, but it was also making his problems worse. It is a good thing that he agreed to try counseling even though it didn't happen. He wanted to be better, which was the first step.

When it comes to alcoholism, the choices they make are their own. You can't stop them, you can try, but ultimately their actions are their own. It doesn't make the pain any less severe, especially when you love them deeply. Everyone is different when they are drunk, some people it brings out the most painful side of them, and the irrational side. All you can do is be there for them how you can, but also be there for yourself. You were overwhelmed for good reason, choosing to distance yourself was not a bad choice, especially when you have a kid to care for.. You were honest in how you felt and your love for him, thats all you can do. I'm sorry his pain was so great and that it lead to what happened.. It was an accident..It is always tragic..

 

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Jasmine7908 said:

But he has other ways… that I’d have to wear that for life!!

No!!  Please don't let him put HIS insecurities on YOU!!!  Had he not died, you would not have accepted that, so why should you feel guilt towards him when he did die?  Fight this, please get some counseling!  Please!  Do not accept ownership of something you are not responsible for!

My heart goes out to you.  You will always cherish the good times and good parts of him...for all of us, none were perfect, we're human, we can neither villainize them nor saint them, we remember them as they are/were, forgiving them what is needed, loving them the rest, always remembering them and our time with them.

The what ifs are a way of us trying to come up with another possible outcome as the one that happened is just so unpalatable to us!  It does not MAKE us guilty of anything, although we can often feel that way especially in the early days of grief.  Remember, feelings are not facts!

I'm so sorry for all you are going through, feelings can be very trying sometimes. 

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

 

• 
  
   

[Jasmine7908]

18 hours ago, catcat said:

Wow.. So I grew up around heavy alcoholics, both family and friends, many severely abusive.. (Not that he was)  Also grew up around mental health issues, bipolar, manic depressive, psychosis, people going in and out of mental health facilities over it.....

It is not your fault, in any way. It is obvious he was in pain, struggling, and coping how he could, but it was also making his problems worse. It is a good thing that he agreed to try counseling even though it didn't happen. He wanted to be better, which was the first step.

When it comes to alcoholism, the choices they make are their own. You can't stop them, you can try, but ultimately their actions are their own. It doesn't make the pain any less severe, especially when you love them deeply. Everyone is different when they are drunk, some people it brings out the most painful side of them, and the irrational side. All you can do is be there for them how you can, but also be there for yourself. You were overwhelmed for good reason, choosing to distance yourself was not a bad choice, especially when you have a kid to care for.. You were honest in how you felt and your love for him, thats all you can do. I'm sorry his pain was so great and that it lead to what happened.. It was an accident..It is always tragic..

 

Thank you SO much!!! For reading and your input and words… right now being heard and understood is getting me through!

9 hours ago, KayC said:

No!!  Please don't let him put HIS insecurities on YOU!!!  Had he not died, you would not have accepted that, so why should you feel guilt towards him when he did die?  Fight this, please get some counseling!  Please!  Do not accept ownership of something you are not responsible for!

My heart goes out to you.  You will always cherish the good times and good parts of him...for all of us, none were perfect, we're human, we can neither villainize them nor saint them, we remember them as they are/were, forgiving them what is needed, loving them the rest, always remembering them and our time with them.

The what ifs are a way of us trying to come up with another possible outcome as the one that happened is just so unpalatable to us!  It does not MAKE us guilty of anything, although we can often feel that way especially in the early days of grief.  Remember, feelings are not facts!

I'm so sorry for all you are going through, feelings can be very trying sometimes. 

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

 

• 
  
   

Thank you SO SO SO much for this!!!!

[Jasmine7908]

Thank you SO SO SO much for this!!!