Pointless

[LMR]

I woke up this morning and thought 'Wednesday, I'm halfway through the week'. I have been concentrating on 'one day at a time' but this morning it really hit me that I am just getting through each day, forever. Getting through each day until I die. Everything is pointless now.

[catcat]

I'm sorry you feel life is pointless. I've been fighting that same feeling, trying to find a purpose.. Right now helping others how I can when I can has been some sort of purpose. Show love to those that need it. I don't know.. Waves of hopelessness wash over me daily. Waking up is the worst, then I try to push through it.. Make some coffee, distract myself.. i don't keep track of the days unless I have to, its a bit of a bitter reminder.

[KayC]

6 hours ago, LMR said:

I have been concentrating on 'one day at a time' but this morning it really hit me that I am just getting through each day, forever.

I do the same, the only way I can do this, but it's not totally pointless, I look for good in each day, some days it seems a stretch but I try to keep optimistic...right now my Kodie (dog) is my biggest joy, Arlie was that until he died of cancer 2 1/2 years ago.  I still enjoy a good cup of coffee.  Life is hard, much struggle the older I get, I try not to think about it too hard, just get through today and keep going.  Awhile back we had a huge snow and high winds storm...over four ft. of snow (some of it still here), and branches/trees down EVERYWHERE!  No one to help me clean it up.  At first I felt paralyzed and daunted by it.  Then I started picking them up, 1/2 hour/day, sometimes an hour or more depending on the weather and how I feel.  My goal to have my place looking neat again.  I will have to hire someone to cut the large ones up and help me move them to a burn pile, but for now I'll settle with having them stacked in three huge piles.  I haven't even searched in the forest (my property) for downed trees I heard breaking.  Later is soon enough.

I liken this to my grief journey, we do what we can.  At first we're daunted big time, don't know where to start, then eventually we put one foot in front of the other and keep going, tackling it as best as we can, a bit a day...no more.  It's enough.  I figure if I keep breathing I'm okay...as okay as I can be anyway.

[Loriii]

I feel exactly the same way, to be honest. 16 days has past since I lost the love of my life. I mean, wow it's over 2 weeks already? I couldn't imagine how I made it through. Also, I've been feeling like days are going too fast for me? It's weird. Is it because everything now seem pointless to me? Like, I just let the days pass without noticing them. "Take it one day at a time". Yes, I'm trying. But for me, each day feels exactly the same as the other, like I'm living in a nightmare. Please wake me up, hon (Catherine). Like @catcat, I also find purpose on trying to help/comfort other people in the best way I can. Makes me feel "normal" and kind of worthwhile.

[Jen H]

At times I feel the same way.  My life revolved around him, then his cancer, and now he's gone forever.  Sometimes I think if I didn't have my daughter and brother, would I even care about living or anything else.  They give me purpose though so I'm trying my hardest to be and do positive things each day.  Hopefully everyone here has something or someone that keeps them motivated. 

[KayC]

23 hours ago, Loriii said:

But for me, each day feels exactly the same as the other, like I'm living in a nightmare

I understand, I remember feeling like it was groundhog day.

[LMR]

I think I made a mistake leaving our home. I am happy to be with my sister but there are no memories here. You would think that might be a good thing but I still think about him constantly. All I can think of here is the gaping hole in my heart and life. I am empty. I need him so much.

[SSC]

@LMR I can sympathize with you on this.  I have struggled with selling my home wondering if living here is the reason I am so sad and can’t make a life for myself.  It is a toss up.  Be alone or keep the home….?  This is why I went to visit my daughter in California for the winter.  It helped give me perspective without actually making the irreversible decision.  As of right now I will keep my home.  The visit and change of scenery was exactly what I needed.  It jolted me out of my “funk” and my daughter and her husband were so helpful and patient with me in helping me sort out my feelings.

would a visit back to Nevada be therapeutic for you?  Maybe seeing your home again and sorting through those memories and emotions may help put things into perspective for you.  Just a thought.  A visit with friends from the area may be a welcome change as well?

[KayC]

I'm sorry, LMR.  I don't know the answer, sometimes it feels damned if we do, damned if we don't.  I've never thought to leave here but may have to as I age, not even considering it yet though.  I wouldn't think of it at all but this is a brutal place to live in the winter with the storms and snows. I know he'd love to be here helping me.  

[LMR]

@SSC thank you. I am thinking of going back for a visit. I still have some business there to deal with but even though my sister is going to come with me I feel terrified. I have lost all confidence in myself and my ability to make decisions. I seem to be afraid of everything, I'm paralyzed. I feel so out of control. I know this isn't exactly unusual but I thought I would be doing better after what is almost 18 months now. I'm getting worse.

@KayC you are an inspiration to us all. You just keep going when many of us want to give up.

[Gail 8588]

@LMR Your words are so in line with how I felt for my first three years: afraid of everything, paralyzed, every aspect of my life was out of my control. I was also riddled with guilt and self-loathing. Everything seemed pointless, as I knew nothing would ever get any better, because he was never coming back.   

I am so sorry if you are feeling as bad as I felt, because it was awful. 

I turned the corner in my 4th year. I am not sure why or how, maybe it was just time.  None of the terrible things I was so afraid of, injury, illness, victim of crime or natural disaster, had actually come to pass, and some how my terror subsided. I intentionally tried to regain control over bits of my life, starting with making my bed each morning. Little things like that.  (Living alone in a house with no visitors had lead to my "letting things go", such as normal house keeping and such.  Living with your sister probably keeps that in check.)

I took Kay's advice to search for and audibly recognize any good thing I could find. A cool breeze, a bird's song, finding a button I needed, anything! I tried to learn something new, piano lessons. 

I say all this, because I don't think you are feeling this way because you moved to England.  I think you would feel this way wherever you might be. 

It is grief. It's terrible. But eventually, you find a way to live with it. 

Gail 

 

[Roxeanne]

LMR i am so sorry you feel so down...!

From the first moment i thought that it was better for me left my house and my memories  behind...

After almost 4 years now i am enough comfortable in my house with my memories of him...

not all the days! Sometimes i cry and i miss him so much...but here i feel his presence, here we were happy and together!

I don't know..

'cos sometimes i feel relieved when i go in places where we have never been together...'cos i don't have to remember our life !

Conflicting emotions

 

[KMkm]

I thought about leaving my home as well.  I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I didn't go home for a few weeks after my wife passed and I had a hard time being home.  I'm still not Ok after two months but knowing that this was our house and my kids grew up here, it makes it easier.  I would hate to leave what little connection  I have to her.  I imagine her still here and watching over us.  I am barely getting by and how uncertain my future is I almost feel like giving up.  But I think about how would I look my wife in the eye when I see her next and be able to ask one question.  Did I honor your spirit and memory by living my life fully?  I imagine that she is still beside me enjoying what I'm doing and the happier I am then maybe the happier she is too.  I don't know if anyone thinks that way but I try to find reasons to go on no matter how hard it may seem.  It may seem pointless at times and I know the feeling but like many people will say, just give it time and things will getter better.  

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I don't think you are feeling this way because you moved to England.  I think you would feel this way wherever you might be. 

This is a valid point I hadn't thought of, you may be right!

[KayC]

George and I honeymooned at the coast...we went to our same place, got the same room, every year of our anv.  I'd booked it for our anv. after his death, but just couldn't do it, I canceled.  Years later I was ready to go and take my dog and I lost my job right before my vacation time, no notice.  No $ for it then.  A few years later I was ready to go and tried to call and book it...and learned it'd been torn down.  I lost my chance.

Sometimes no matter what we do or don't do or how we handle it, it just doesn't feel right.  Why?  Plain and simple, because they're not here.  It wouldn't really matter where we lived or went, so long as we could be together.

[Jennifer Uren]

On 1/26/2022 at 2:11 AM, LMR said:

I woke up this morning and thought 'Wednesday, I'm halfway through the week'. I have been concentrating on 'one day at a time' but this morning it really hit me that I am just getting through each day, forever. Getting through each day until I die. Everything is pointless now.

LMR I feel for you. I hurt for the both of us because you put my thoughts into words. The other night I just wailed and cried begging Jay to take me with him. I’m just so tired of hurting. Trying desperately to find joy again only to throw my hands in the air and say "why bother"? Like you said “pointless “. I have had better days…well moments rather so I hold onto hope that I will continue to have more. I ask Jay to give me strength. He was my rock and in some strange way I feel like maybe he still can be. Geez I miss and love love love him so much. I truly feel that I can relate to you. Thank you for making me feel like I am not alone in my pain. 

[tnd]

None of you are alone as far as feeling it's all pointless now. I wasn't doing good but thought I was doing okay but then...it all took a turn and I'm back to feeling like I don't have any purpose. Maybe the fact that I am still in a proverbial holding pattern here has something to do with it. If I could have afforded it, I could have easily seen myself keeping the apartment my husband and I had. We both loved it. On the other hand, moving out has sort of forced me to look to the future. 

[LMR]

@Gail 8588 I think you are probably right and I would feel this way wherever I went however when I was alone in my own home I could cry as much as I wanted without feeling guilty. My sister never complains but it can't be nice for her. Anyway I don't think I can afford to go back and start over. Everything is gone.

@Jennifer UrenI am so sorry but you are not alone in feeling that way.  It is all still quite knew for you. We find reasons to keep going, for me it's to avoid hurting my sister but it's hard. I live like I'm two different people in one body.

[Gail 8588]

3 hours ago, LMR said:

I live like I'm two different people in one body.

LRM, 

For the first three years I was two separate beings living in one body. The numb zombie me, trying to pretend to be a human being, not very convincingly.  I would go through the motions of attempting to work, but it all seemed utterly pointless. It was hard to get up and go to work, because I didn't care about any of it. I didn't care if I got fired. I didn't care if I died. People would talk to me, and I would minimally reply, declining any further contact or support. I didn't want to be around people. I was wracked with guilt and didn't deserve any support or kindness. 

But inside that zombie was another me. Terrified, lost, unable to figure out how I could possibly live without John.  Only my dog saw this sobbing lost me.

To people around me, it looked like I was doing sort of okay, though not quite the Gail from before.  But on the inside, the real me was losing her mind. I couldn't see any good in life, because nothing could be good without him in the world. 

I definitely felt I was 2 separate people, both broken, in one body. 

I have merged back into one being.  It took a long time to bring all of me back together.  I have figured out a way  to live without him.  I don't think my life will ever be as good a life as the life I had with him, but it is a good life.  It is much better now than during the awful years when I was a zombie on the outside and terrified on the inside.

Don't be discouraged by my 3 years, each of us has our own path and our own time line.  There were many factors unique to my life that contributed to my being so lost for so long.  You may "pull yourself together" in a  much shorter timeframe. 

Gail

 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Don't be discouraged by my 3 years, each of us has our own path and our own time line.

Me too...it took me a GOOD three years to process this, but everyone is different.  As I've said, there are so many factors that play into how we adjust/cope, what coping skills and mindset we had to start with, have we dealt with loss/hardship before, our openness to learning, how we delve into things, you name it, I would say even our family placement probably plays in!  Our individual personalities, everything.  So no one-size-fits-all for sure!  But we do glean things from others here, and learning is a lifelong process, at least with me it is!

 

[LMR]

11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

 

To people around me, it looked like I was doing sort of okay, though not quite the Gail from before.  But on the inside, the real me was losing her mind. 

 

That is exactly it Gail. They know I am hurting but not the extent. I feel like I want to scream "I'm dying in here". Sometimes I do break down and sob and they think I'm having a bad day, tomorrow will be better, but in truth I am sobbing inside all the time.

Thanks for the encouragement.

@KayCThanks for your support too.