When will relief come???

[JZG]

Hello all. This is my first post. New to the community. I have had a rough few years and it seems to be all catching up to me emotionally after my latest breakup. In 2014 my wife cheated on me and began using opiets.(Oxi, heroin etc..) I stuck around thinking i could make her better, after all we had been together for over 10 years at that point. I don't believe on giving up on loved ones. Late in 2018 she overdosed. She went into a rehab(for the third time) and never came home to me and our family(no children, but we had dogs, a cat and chickens). That was our family and i was ok with that at the time.I was left to sell my home, file for divorce and sort through everything and move back home. About 7 months after moving back home i was introduced to a girl at my animal hospital by a mutual friend. I wasn't really ready for a relationship but i said "if it goes somewhere, than good. If not, than so be it." It turned out to be a great relationship and soon enough i fell in love with her. We quarantined through the beginning of COVID and really got to know each other. I loved her pretty hard. We had a couple arguments but that is normal. Two people cant get along all the time. Unfortunately my service dog of 7 years passed unexpectedly and she was there for me. I think she loved my dog as much as i did even though she only knew my dog for 1.5 years. You couldn't love this dog. She was almost human!

She decided to go to her home country for 16 days. All i asked is for her to give me 5 minutes at night to say good night and i love you. Not much to ask for. She didn't call me for 2 days and i finally got in touch with her via text. There was a bit of an argument on that text and she ends the text with "we are done." My heart dropped to the floor and i asked her to forget about this until she got back so it wasn't in texts. She came home and came to my house to pick up her stuff. I tried to keep her but i think she already had it in her head that she was done with our relationship.

From the point i got divorced until now has only been 3.5 years. I think i just had too much loss in that short amount of time. I'm dealing with the worst anxiety i have ever experienced. It NEVER goes away. I'm on Zoloft and it doesn't feel like its doing anything. My therapist says its largely in my head(rumination). Even if it is, how do i control it????????????? I've miss a ton of work and not really into doing much. Mainly because a lot of the time I'm doubled over in stomach cramps. I don't know what to do anymore to feel like my normal self. Its been 6 months since we broke up and she invades my mind almost all day. Id love to move on with my life but i feel so terrible about everything that went down in 3.5 years that i cant get out of this rut.

Help me please.....

[Valerie Lockhart]

Dear JZG,

I'm sorry to hear of the emotional turmoil you've experienced over the last 3 1/2 years. I've found that reading the Bible and meditating on how others such as Job and Paul overcame difficult times to be helpful. Prayer has been extremely helpful to me when I'm feeling depressed and alone. The best help comes from “God, Who comforts and encourages and refreshes and cheers the depressed.”—2 Corinthians 7:6, The Amplified Bible.  God “refreshes and cheers” you, not by removing all your problems, but by answering your prayers when you pray for the strength to cope. (Philippians 4:13) You can be sure that he’s ready to listen to you, for the Bible says: “Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; and those who are crushed in spirit he saves.” (Psalm 34:18) In fact, God can hear your call for help even if you can’t put your feelings into words.—Romans 8:26, 27. Because of having this precious privilege of prayer you need never feel lonely, for you always have someone to whom you can talk, Jehovah God. No question about it, prayer is one of the ways you can heed the counsel: “Throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, and he himself will sustain you. Never will he allow the righteous one to totter.”—Rom. 12:12; 1 Thess. 5:17; Ps. 55:22. The Bible urges us to pour out our hearts to him: “Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving let your petitions be made known to God; and the peace of God that excels all thought will guard your hearts and your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus.”—Philippians 4:6, 7. So, pour out your heart to God in prayer, and allow him to take hold of your hand and pull you out of your rut.

[KayC]

I've been through much loss in my life. Husband #1 wasn't a husband but a monster, beat and cheated on me throughout, my terrorist, I barely escaped with my life.  He went on to marry 7-8 times and fathered many children by different women, never raised them or supported them.  Mine he beat out of me at 4 1/2 months.

#2 was my kids' dad, married 23 years, he was cold, unloving, controlling.  He divorced, taking our bank account with him, I got the kids.

#3 was the love of my life, my soulmate and best friend, a wonderful stepfather to my kids!  He died suddenly five days after his 51st birthday.  This is my kind of luck!  I finally got a good one and he is taken from me, we were supposed to grow old together!

My mom was widowed 32 years and put all her expectation on us kids, it was a lot.  She had no friends.  I think that factored into my trying one more time, to rebuild my life...I was preyed upon and married one more time...only he wasn't a husband to me, he was a scammer who never lived with me but used my credit for $57,000 and then quit his job and went into hiding with a GF...you can't make this stuff up!  I feel like a Dr. Phil show, embarrassed, humiliated, broken.  I've learned to do my life alone, it's been 16 1/2 years I've been alone since my husband died, it was never my preference but it is what it is.  I share my story only to warn others away from doing what I've done...I was deep in grief fog, very vulnerable, he feigned to be a friend of my husband's, I realize now that if his lips were moving, he was lying.  He was a narcissist in the truest form.  I'm still paying down on the debt.  I will be until I'm nearly 80. 

At about ten years out, I wrote this...I know your loss is due to breakup rather than death, but the principles can work for either..

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 In addition, I want to leave you with this article...when we suffer loss of this magnitude, we grieve the loss of a dream...https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/08/disenfranchised-grief-mourning-loss-of.html

 

[annie123]

KayC,

I am so sorry that you suffered so much pain in your life.  Hugs to you!!!!

Annie

[KayC]

21 hours ago, annie123 said:

KayC,

I am so sorry that you suffered so much pain in your life.  Hugs to you!!!!

Annie

Thank you, Annie.  George was my one GOOD period of time!  I will always cherish that.