My boyfriend was murdered

[Fiona Algero]

Drew was the love of my life. He was my person, my best friend, and someone who felt like home. I often thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. We spent every spare moment together and now that he's gone I don't know what to do without him. The love of my life died in my arms, and I don't know how I'm supposed to go back to my life and manage this. Its so isolating experiencing such a traumatic grief in college because no one understands or wants to talk about it. 

[Roxeanne]

I'm so sorry Fiona you have to be here so young...it's unfair you lose your soulmate in such dramatic way!

It's a painful hard path and all of us know it, we  understand...take good care of yourself and keep post here...hope you can find some comfort in our community

[KayC]

I am so sorry...people your age don't usually experience this and there's only one way to fully understand and that's if they've been through it themselves.  Otherwise it makes them feel uncomfortable, as they can't fix it and they just want you back to normal...not understanding that this changes us and life is never the same again.  That doesn't mean they don't care.  Our society is ill versed in dealing with bereavement.  Grief support groups help and I think you'll find them timeless in regardless of one's age, circumstances, how long together, how they died, there is a connection between those of us who've been through this.  You have our hearts and we are listening, whenever you want to talk.

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Loriii]

I'm so deeply sorry for your loss, Fiona. I don't know what to say, honestly. It is shocking to me the way he was taken away. But, I know exactly how you feel. I only didn't lost a girlfriend, I lost my bestfriend too. She is like an equivalent of losing multiple people in my life. I always thought that we'll spend the rest of our lives together too. You're so young, you're both so young. I understand young people don't understand grief because they don't normally experience it. The only way to understand what the person is going through is when you experience it yourself. I know and I understand it is hard. It will be extremely hard. But please know that you are not alone. This community has been my life support everyday. They will support you. They will grieve with you. They will watch over you. If you want talk about it, you've come to the right place. Please, please take good care of yourself. Just try to keep it together. Please hold on. Don't ever let go. You can do it. You are strong.