Traumatic death of husband

[Sigrid]

Six months ago my husband

[Jen H]

Everyone here knows what your going through.  I lost my everything 3 and a half months ago and I am still totally devastated and lost.  Please know coming here is a good step forward.  We are all here if you would like to share more of your story and struggle.  We will understand and support you.

 

[Jennifer Uren]

So sorry. I lost my fiancé 9 weeks ago. A part of me died with him. I am forever changed. Each day is a struggle. Just as Jen H said, coming here is a good step forward. The people here not only care they relate to us in a way that our closest friends and family cannot. Please continue to share. You inevitably will help others as well.

[KayC]

@Sigrid  I am so sorry for your loss, all of us here know the pain, the shock, the loss, everything...it's the hardest thing we've ever been through.  I didn't see how I'd do a week, yet I'm here 16 1/2 years later.  Sometimes I feel it would have been easier if I hadn't had to live, but then I wouldn't have known my grandkids or my Arlie (soulmate in a dog) or Kitty (both gone two to 2 1/2 years now), or Kodie, my little companion I've had for two years now...it's those little joys that get me through now that my big joy, George, is gone.

I hope you'll continue to come here and read/post, I'm glad you found this site...it was one similar to this that got me through that darkest time.  I've learned to do one day at a time, no more than that.  I can't handle looking at "the rest of my life" but I can do today, I try to stay in today.

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Sigrid]

Dang - using this site is not intuitive.  I inadvertently hit the send button before this post was complete.  I started a second one, which I completed.  Now people are responding to this and I can’t find the complete one.  HELP!

[Gail 8588]

Sigrid, 

Sorry you are frustrated with not being able to find your completed post.  It is a mystery to me sometimes where my texts, emails, posts go.  Recently I mysteriously sent out a nonsensical Instagram message to everyone of my contacts. I have no idea what I did, but lots of folks have contacted me asking why I sent them a random Instagram message.  Thank goodness it wasn't anything offensive. 

 

At anyrate, we welcome you here.  

Gail

 

[Sigrid]

If anyone wants to read about our death journey you can go to the following site:  caringbridge.org/visit/stanleycummings.  Scroll to the bottom for July 6 and read up.

My husband was an educator.  I've included information about end-of-life planning and why it was critical in our decision making process.

[KayC]

That is a beautiful picture of the two of you!  You can see the radiance between you.  I'm sorry you lost your post, I think it's happened to all of us.  If it happens again, give it a minute as sometimes editor will bring it back in and you can post it, but the thread has to be created first for that to happen.

Gail, one reason I'm not on instagram...

[catcat]

Sweet couple.. I have never heard of Caring Bridge. What a nice site..

I'm sorry for your loss..

[catcat]

I made it to July 13th. What a tragic accident.. Obviously there was no malicious intent by the driver, but there was just stupidity and negligence that resulted in catastrophic injury...Gosh..

I'm happy for you that you got some last moments with him. While they weren't what was wanted of course, it is good you got them.

My love died on a ventilator, sedated, he never woke up. (not covid) and he passed just a couple minutes after his daughter talked to him and said he didn't need to fight anymore. It gives me hope that he was awake, and just not in control, and was able to hear her love and understand.. I wasn't allowed to see him after the surgeries, I went up once, but was afraid to contaminate the room, so I didn't touch him or say anything, and I was never allowed back after.. I regret not having said something, but I was hopeful he would recover, and I didn't want to risk and germs.. I don't know, but reading he didn't open his eyes for so long even though there were other responses, that gives me hope that he was aware... At the same time, that scares me because he was alone for 4 days..

[Sigrid]

The nursing staff told me the last sense to go was hearing. I’ve since heard that from many others. He probably did hear his daughter. At the end of Stan’s daughters visit he was able to croak out “your work here is done.”  She didn’t know what he meant. I told her he was saying “thank you for coming to say goodbye. Now go home and tell my beloved grandchildren that their Bumpa loved them.”  I believe your husband’s daughter telling him he didn’t need to fight was a gift and you can draw comfort from that. 

[Jennifer Uren]

Thank you for sharing. I held my fiancé’s hand, played music and talked into his ear “I love you. We’re always together.” I never have not heard that hearing was the last sense to go. Thank you @Sigrid. That’s a gift that he probably heard me.