New Here!

[Amburr]

Hi everyone. I'm not sure how to start any of these conversations so I figured I would introduce myself first and tell you guys my story. I don't really have anyone that I can talk to that has been through what I have so I'm hoping I can find people who are going through the same thing to kind of help cope with everything. Anyways my name is Amber and I'm 33. Last September I lost my husband to COVID. It happened so fast it still feels like its not real. We have 3 kids together, 17 year old twin girls and a 14 year old son. When they went back to school in August it wasn't even 2 weeks later when one of my daughters and my son tested positive for it. I caught it next and unfortunately my husband caught it right after I did. While we all got better my husband started to get worse but refused to go to the hospital. He began feeling better and we thought we were good to go when he took a turn for the worse. I took him in on a Friday morning and they told me that I couldn't stay because it was hospital policy due to the high number of covid cases so I had to leave while they took him back. They moved him from the ER to the ICU that night and had to intubate him because he wouldn't calm down.  At this point they told me he tested positive for COVID and it developed into pneumonia so they were going to begin medications. When they called on Saturday they told me he was doing really good and they were starting him on the COVID medication but the hospital wasn't allowing visitors that day. On Sunday morning I called and found out they were allowing visitors so I planned to go take my hour that I was allowed and go up there. I was on my way when I got the call that his heart stopped and he went into cardiac arrest.....she told me it didn't look good but they were doing what they could. By the time I pulled into the hospital parking lot he was gone. I think I went numb.......so I sat in that parking lot and I called my kids and I broke. I had to tell them that he was gone. Then came the phone calls to the family. The next day my other daughter tested positive for COVID and the fear started again. I went through everything pretty much alone. I had his mom and sister who he wasn't close to at all acting like he was their best friend and their hero. Trying to tell me what a good person he was even though they hadn't talked in like 10 years. I had my kids trying to process the loss of their dad and me processing the loss of my husband. It been 4 months since it happened and I still don't want to talk about it. I feel like everyone has moved on and thinks I should do the same. I don't talk to his mom and sister and they don't call to ask about the kids. I isolate myself from a lot of people because all they want to talk about is what happened and it's like rubbing salt in the wounds. I'm tired of hearing the "how are you doing?" and the "he's in a better place". People saying that doesn't help me, it just pisses me off. Anyways I'm sorry for the long post but I'm hoping to find people who are going through the same things so I don't feel so alone. Thanks guys!

[Nightsky777]

I know exactly how you I lost girlfriend in hiking accident and I've been in contact with her oldest daughter who seem very detached from the death of her mother  so this week I contacted her best friend we talked for an hour and I thought  all was good we said we go for coffee so texted a song that reminded me of tor she to which she replied living reminds me of her I thought it was very  short but hey we all deal with grief differently  so text couple days ago that  "I was having a bad  day "  to which received no reply I'm just bit shocked that people can be this heartless at time like this  I wouldn't of minded if she just texted something short I'd never treat people like this especially at a time of grief I think I'm going stop contact with the people who knew her as I don't  like the  rejection 

I'm happy to talk to you I have whatsapp and kik and also have discord group which I've found really helpful 

You don't have grieve alone there good people who are more than happy to talk to you 

Ps my names matt 

[Loriii]

Hi Amber. I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband. COVID sucks. 2 years later, why is it still here? I was stunned while reading your story. I could honestly relate to the part when they said that he's doing really good and taking medication. It made you feel at ease somehow that they're on their way to recovery. My partner/girlfriend suffered a mild stroke and then got admitted to the hospital on the eve of New Year (last year) due to high blood pressure and high blood sugar. She was experiencing extreme dizziness and later we found it, it was her diabetes that was acting up. Several hours later, she looked fine. The dizziness was gone and she was in high spirits albeit she had difficulty in talking so her voice was a bit off (it looked like her throat was swollen due to vomiting the previous day) but then I felt like she was fine overall. Our main goal is to lower the blood sugar (it was around 200 to 300 that time. Normal should be around 80-150) then all will be fine. It made me feel better, somehow, expecting a recovery. Then came January 2. I was on the way to the hospital when they informed me that her heartbeat was gone and she's having a cardiac arrest. She was revived but that lead to her being in coma for days. I was shocked. I didn't know what to do. She was taken to the ICU and whenever I visit, I kept talking to her, saying all the sweet words I can say and touching her trying to wake her up. Her vitals drop down to normal levels. All that it needs now is to for her to wake up. But, well. Seems like her brain was badly damaged due to the cardiac arrest so no matter what the doctors do, there wasn't any activity. The blood doesn't go and flow to her brain (the doctor said). And well, we were told that she'd no longer wake up and her heart would stop soon. It was really heartbreaking. I couldn't sleep that night knowing anytime, my love will soon leave. It hurts that I wasn't able to do anything. It's only been 14 days since she passed away. Sorry for my long story, but I told you this because I feel you, when you got the call telling you that you his heart stopped and went into cardiac arrest after hearing the good news the previous time thinking he's doing good. It was so sudden. It was the same feeling I had hearing the news about my girlfriend. I'm so sorry. I know it's hard to put into words about how you were feeling, but I'm with you on that. I understand you. I'm also not close to the my girlfriend's family so I could relate to you on that as well. How is your daughter now? I assumed she survived and hopefully, she's in good health now. How are your other children? Please be with them. They are your strength. I hope I'm not pissing you off by asking questions. I really want to know if they are well. I'm not gonna give a simple response like "Okay, good, etc." after. I'm genuinely concerned. Also, try not to bottle up your feelings. Try not to isolate yourself. Talk to people who you think that will make you feel normal. I wouldn't say "better" because it's hard to say when it is better. It's been 4 months since then but grieving doesn't have a timeline so feel free to talk about it. Release your emotions if you need to. There's a lot of people that's going to help you. I, myself, will be here. I am willing to listen. 

[Amburr]

Thank you both for the replies and support. And yes all 3 kids and myself and fully recovered and healthy. NightSky I'm sorry for your loss, that is a horrible way to lose a partner. We are definitely different though regarding talking about our partner but I hope one day I will be able to message someone and say I heard this and it reminded me of him. I just feel like right now its way too raw and the people who feel they have a right to say something are the people who haven't talked to him in years. They feel like they are owed something now that he's gone. And right now he comes up in every conversation I have. I feel like that is what gets me the most. This is something I deal with on a daily basis and I don't think that people are aware of the fact that it brings all those feelings right back to the surface. And Loriii I am sorry for yours as well. I honestly did not think that someone would have a story like mine but it comforts me a little knowing that someone out there can relate. I appreciate all the kind words and advice. I am so glad you told me your story because I don't know that I would have been able to tell mine 2 weeks after his death. At that point I was an absolute mess. I was numb and just trying to function for my kids. I'm glad you got to see her before she passed though because I did not. I think that is the hardest thing to get over, the fact that he was by himself and I never got to say goodbye. I feel like I do okay for the time period that its been but I think I push a lot under the rug because I don't want to face it. Right now I'm running on good days with bad moments instead of bad days with worse moments. For the most part there good days and I feel like there are more good days between those bad moments but I don't think I have dealt with everything. It's hard. As to not being close to your girlfriends family I can relate somewhat. My husband had a brother and sister and then mom and dad. I was close with his parents but not really his siblings. After it happened his sister acted like she was my best friend and I tried to be nice to her because I felt like I needed to be sympathetic because that was her brother but I feel like she only wanted to be involved so she could say well look what I did for you. And now I don't talk to anyone from his side and they don't talk to me. I know the kids miss his dad but they don't want anything to do with the other ones and I don't want to force it. So again I can definitely relate to your story as well. 

[Loriii]

15 minutes ago, Amburr said:

Thank you both for the replies and support. And yes all 3 kids and myself and fully recovered and healthy. NightSky I'm sorry for your loss, that is a horrible way to lose a partner. We are definitely different though regarding talking about our partner but I hope one day I will be able to message someone and say I heard this and it reminded me of him. I just feel like right now its way too raw and the people who feel they have a right to say something are the people who haven't talked to him in years. They feel like they are owed something now that he's gone. And right now he comes up in every conversation I have. I feel like that is what gets me the most. This is something I deal with on a daily basis and I don't think that people are aware of the fact that it brings all those feelings right back to the surface. And Loriii I am sorry for yours as well. I honestly did not think that someone would have a story like mine but it comforts me a little knowing that someone out there can relate. I appreciate all the kind words and advice. I am so glad you told me your story because I don't know that I would have been able to tell mine 2 weeks after his death. At that point I was an absolute mess. I was numb and just trying to function for my kids. I'm glad you got to see her before she passed though because I did not. I think that is the hardest thing to get over, the fact that he was by himself and I never got to say goodbye. I feel like I do okay for the time period that its been but I think I push a lot under the rug because I don't want to face it. Right now I'm running on good days with bad moments instead of bad days with worse moments. For the most part there good days and I feel like there are more good days between those bad moments but I don't think I have dealt with everything. It's hard. As to not being close to your girlfriends family I can relate somewhat. My husband had a brother and sister and then mom and dad. I was close with his parents but not really his siblings. After it happened his sister acted like she was my best friend and I tried to be nice to her because I felt like I needed to be sympathetic because that was her brother but I feel like she only wanted to be involved so she could say well look what I did for you. And now I don't talk to anyone from his side and they don't talk to me. I know the kids miss his dad but they don't want anything to do with the other ones and I don't want to force it. So again I can definitely relate to your story as well. 

I'm happy to hear that you and your kids have fully recovered. The most important thing is that you all are healthy. I understand that the kids are missing their dad. I would definitely will feel the same way if I was in their position. I'm sure you are trying your best to be both their mom and dad to them. They feel that even if they tell you or no, so don't feel discouraged if you feel like you aren't being appreciated. You definitely are. Remember that you are always going to be their strength and they are going to be your strength, through thick and thin. In my case, I was able to talk to my girlfriend 3 days before she got into coma. It was just normal talk telling her to recover and that she told she would recover for me and for my daughter. She was later taken to another hospital close to her family (her mom and dad, siblings). I wasn't able to go with them the first time until January 2 when her sister's about to pick me up, she had the fatal attack and when I arrived she was in coma. There was a lot things that I wasn't able to say when she was still alive and normal. I stayed with her while she's "asleep" all the way till the end, telling her all the things I wanted to say that I love her more than my life and begging her to give me one more chance. I'd dedicated my whole life taking care of her. Unfortunately, it was too late. I wasn't given that chance. I started talking to my old friends. My life centered on her and my daughter so for most of the 16 years, I didn't have friends. I still have both my parents and my older brother but I rarely talk to them. So now, I started talking to them, as well as my old friends, even some of my high school and college friends that I haven't seen or contacted for 20 years. Mostly, they are supportive. Still, it feels empty. I feel like I still have to deal with this alone. I appreciate them and they are a blessing to me. But, I feel like no one truly understands the pain of going through this. I ended up finding this website/forum as I feel that I might feel comfortable sharing my story and talking to people who experienced or have been experiencing the same thing. I felt comfortable here the first time. People here are really supportive in a sense that they make me feel at home. I could relate and they can relate to my experience. They know exactly how I feel and what I've been thinking. In return, I wanted to be involved in the community, at least in trying to comfort people. This is just me, I guess. It makes me feel "normal" when I talk to people, strangers that I haven't known but personally could relate to their stories. It makes my day, when I make them feel they are not alone. That way, it makes me feel that I'm not alone as well. Anyway, I could somehow when you said "the people that feel like they have the right to say are the ones that haven't talk to him for years". I actually feel the same with my girlfriend's family, specifically with two of her sisters. My girlfriend comes home to her family, maybe 1 to 3 times a year and she usually only stayed there for 2-3 days max. She's been living with me for years, everyday we are together along with my daughter. So, her sisters made me feel like I was the one to blame for what happened to her and that her life was hell when she was with me. They didn't say it directly to my face but I'm not dumb to get the message. This makes me question, Catherine, my partner. Was she really happy being with me? But then, I realized, we wouldn't last 16 years if she wasn't and she chose to stay with me even if our relationship wasn't perfect. Her family doesn't know the whole story and I felt like they're the ones that has a lot to say about this. I'm telling you this because I understand your feeling. Yes, don't force it if you don't feel comfortable talking to these people, specifically your husband's sister and anyone in their family that you aren't comfortable with. Maybe time will come for that. For now, be with your kids and people that genuinely cares for you and the kids. I'm sure there are lots of people out there that cares for you. So please do not think you are alone. I'm proud of the progress that you have made since then, when you're mostly running on good days to bad days than bad to worst days. It might feel a small improvement to you but improvement is always better than not improving, right? You are on the right track. You're still young. There's a lot ahead of you so please keep it together. I also feel like this is the right time to talk about your experience, your story, especially if it keeps bothering you. Take it one day at a time. Take it slowly. If you feel like crying, then do it. It is normal. It is good for your health. Like I said, always remember that you are not alone. I'm sure your husband is guiding and watching you. If only he could get in touch with you and say "I feel happy that you're doing a great job with yourself, and most especially to our kids". He's definitely gonna say that.

[KayC]

@Amburr  I am so sorry for your loss, you must feel in shock even now.  My husband also died suddenly, unexpectedly, way too young, but our kids were grown/gone from home.  I hope you only allow people in that are supportive and good for you (not his mom & sister).  They didn't talk for ten years, they can wait another ten, JMO.

Do whatever brings you comfort, whether it's staying in or being around others, listen to your heart in that, knowing it could change, grief doesn't always have to make sense and our journeys change/evolve along the way.
Grief Process
 

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Jennifer Uren]

@Amburr We have very similar stories. I am 44. My fiancé passed away November 22nd. He had Covid in September. He was a nurse. He also refused to the hospital initially. I finally convinced him to go in on September 25th. He had Covid onset kidney failure. After 4 dialysis treatments his kidneys improved. One week later he tested negative for Covid so I was able to stay with him round the clock. He ended up contracting Three hospital acquired infections. ALL of which were pneumonia. A gram positive bacterial pneumonia.. and his oxygen dropped. He had to be intubated. He got better with meds but got a fungal hospital acquired pneumonia. Got better with anti fungal treatment but still intubated but weaning down the levels on the respirator. Then a gram negative pneumonia. He oxygen dropped again. Every time the sedation and pain meds started to wear off he would open his eyes and look at me, squeeze my hand but immediately get scared feeling like he was choking. The respirator gives positive pressure while we use negative pressure when we inhale naturally so you are not supposed to try to breathe on your own while intubated. It will just recirculate carbon dioxide. But our natural instinct to and the feeling of having a tube in the throat AND not be able to talk has to be scary and painful. Most people require sedation and Jay required a lot of it. Sometimes he was in restraints because he would try to pull the tube out. Every time the sedation and pain meds wore off His heart would race REALLY FAST and he would go into tachycardia. I saw his blood pressure get up to 190/120 something. I recognized the signs and drove the nurses crazy insisting they give him the meds every time I saw this starting to happen or if I saw him start to wake up. One time I had to physically restrain his arm and tell him not to try to breathe because the machine was doing it for him. That it was making him better. He looked so scared. I just told him that he would get some medication to help him relax and I would take a nap with him. If he didn’t get the medication he probably would have gone into cardiac arrest. But he needed the medication to be on the ventilator. I had it in my head that if we could just get the infections to clear up we could get him off the ventilator but between having had Covid and constant bouts of pneumonia….it became clear that he more than likely would never breathe on his own. This broke my heart because I promised I would fight for him. The delta variant of Covid can cause the lungs to harden as they heal/ form scar tissue. Pneumonia can do the same thing. I was with him when his oxygen dropped so much he had to be intubated and I screamed and cried for them to try other things. I begged them to make him better. I was there when his lung collapsed and he had to have 2 chest tubes. They tried 3 different times to take him to surgery to get a tracheotomy but he was too unstable. One time his oxygen dropped to 31! I watched him start to decline. His body swelled. The multiple IV’s, tubes, 3 blood transfusions, catheters, beeps and alarms from various monitors. Once I went over 10 days without even going outside sleeping in a chair. The visitor policy was so strict. One a day and no coming and going so I just stayed. Some nurses were good but many acted like he was a lost cause. They would allow him to just slide and slouch in the bed until I insist someone help me adjust him. Bed position can affect oxygen levels. Not to mention keeping them comfortable. I feel like they were so used to seeing people die a lot of them quit caring. Some were very rude to me. They were tired of me being there keeping an eye on things and they were tired of caring for someone they knew wouldn’t get better. He was in the hospital for over 60 days. The first 30 days his wasn’t intubated the last 30 he was. The last day before he passed he was requiring dilaudid every HOUR or he would go into tachycardia. They went back up on his respirator settings that I worked so hard to get down. They stopped giving him meds for fluid retention and that had to cut the arm band off. It was obvious they decided to stop trying to get him better. When he started requiring meds every hour it became obvious to me that he probably wouldn’t come out of this. I said “what next? Every 30 minutes? Then what?” I am grateful I was with him but it was extremely traumatic. I felt like I was going crazy. I feel like I let him and our kids down. He counted on me. I lost the love of my life and I will never be the same. We have kids from previous marriages. His 2 boys 15&17 my girls 12&19. We are all devastated! I still can’t believe it’s happened. We really thought he’d get better. I know what you are going through. Reading your story gave me comfort that someone else understands what I’m going through. Every one here does which is why this is where I get comforted the most. This site is a blessing and the people are wonderful. Sorry for your loss and your children’s loss. We are all here for you. Keep posting because you help others. I hope I’ve help you in some way by sharing my story.

[KayC]

Thank you for sharing your story also, so hard, and in some way, comforting to know others are on the same trail.